Preparation-H for Wrinkles: Myth or Miracle

“Hey Uncle Howard, let me borrow some of your Preparation-H®. I just used my last tube of generic StriVectin-SD® and I hear that hemorrhoid cream works wonders on wrinkles,” says Jennifer.

Since he’s on Medicare Part D, Uncle Howard has a tendency to play stingy with his meds, even if they are over-the-counter. Before sharing his goods, he demands, “Why in the world would you use a hemorrhoid cream on your face?”

Uncle R”, quips Jennifer, “I watched a video on YouTube and this up-and-coming star from Wichita named Tama-Ra swears that Preparation-H saved her eyes from looking like they had vomited raisons the day before she auditioned for American Idol.”

Forget that garbage honey. All that my tube of Prep-H has is a vasoconstrictor. It closes up blood vessels. Unlike my rectum, your face needs blood to look young and vibrant. You get me? My blood doesn’t flow as freely and robustly as it did when Sammy Davis Junior was hip. Ergo, I look like an ‘Old Farf’ as you call it.”

Old Fart, Uncle H, not ‘Old Farf’, it’s “Old Fart,” corrects Jennifer.

Anyway,” continues Uncle Howard, “Preparation-H has a lot of moisturizers similar to those you’d find in any overpriced wrinkle cream, such as mineral oil, petrolatum, corn oil, lanolin, thyme oil and shark liver oil.”

Looking dazed and a tad annoyed, Jennifer ponders, “Well, what should I do? I don’t want to look old.”

From his pedestal of knowledge, Uncle Howard offers, “I know of two no-nonsense ways to look good: Take care of yourself and have lots of good, and in your case, protected sex. This way, your blood is carousing fast and the pale face of yours will rosy up and look plumper than prize winning pig.”

After realizing to whom he was talking, Howard suggests, “If you’re looking for a better way to spend your puny allowance on creams you don’t need, buy something with retinoids in it. That stuff helps prevent your skin and collagen from degrading like sugar cubes in rain. Now get out of the bathroom. I need to inject myself with the one of the best wrinkle creams in the world.”

Sources:

The Science behind Wrinkle Erasers. Prevention; August 2007; vol 59, no 8, p 110.

Wyeth Consumer Healthcare. http://www.preparationh.com/hemorrhoid_medications/ointment/ointment_package_label.asp. November 12, 2007.

Photo credit:

Mary R. Vogt. http://www.morguefile.com. Reference id: 162038