WHAT A PARENT SHOULD TELL THEIR DAUGHTERS ABOUT COHABITATION
Domingo Ivan Casaņas
November 11, 2005
My dear______There is no way I can give you the Blessings you desire when it comes to Cohabitation.
You see a man can get away with anything rotten, political and personal if a woman allows it. Remember a woman is not responsible for man's choices. She is, however, responsible for her own. Many times women make the wrong choices due to thier lonliness, self-assertiveness, and self- sufficiency and they even allow the male to get away with obnoxious male behaviors and tolerate the choices he is making.
If a woman from the first meeting with an ill-mannered lout would express her disdain clearly and confidently, the guy would either shape up or expect to get shipped out. If instead, a woman focuses on her dependency and desperate need for male acceptance while forgetting about his dependency and craving for approval and then continues to be sexually receptive, she'll be giving him a strong signal that she condones his behavior.
WHY PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH YOUR LIFE?
Is it desperation? Fear of not having somebody ....of not having a life if a man doesn't want you. Perhaps waiting and growing in maturity, independence, and security-of-self are too tough to do...especially when you are young and needy and hoping to escape an unhappy past. Usually insecurity is what often makes a very young women move in with a man early in their hope that by association, (preferably marriage) with the guy, they will feel better about themselves and about life. The sad part it nevers works that way.
Love is Blind they say....my child by building your self-esteem and competency it will allow you to choose and make the right choices. By fantasizing and wanting something beautiful for the two of you there is almost inevitably the vain hope that being with a man will make something magical happen. Many young woman fall into this trap with fantasies that bypass the hard work of growing up and growing stronger. Just remember that you can create something beautiful not hope for it. YOU AND ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER, THE SOLE POWER, TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. When you blindly leap for a man, you generally end up repeating, reliving, the pain you've been trying to flee.
Once you start living with a partner, most man will talk about marriage but they don't know when, because they don't feel ready. Living together is like an audition, hoping to become a bride. IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE DATE THEM....DON'T MOVE IN! (Add this if it applies to you: I know your mother and I have not been the best example of this, so we are at fault also.)
Denial and being owned because it relieves you of responsibility is another way jumping on the living in arrangement. Remember, self-esteem is centered in the will to overcome circumstance, not to give in to being overcome. The act of GIVING is often takes the form of living-in. Women, have so much power when they know how to use it. By using courage and creativity a woman can choose and not become beggars.
If a man cannot rise to the occasion of respecting you fully he should be dumped. By hoping and trying you will end up the loser. When a woman moves in with a man, he does not have to do much to get you. If he decides to fool around he tells you his sorry, you forgive him and he learns something new...That he doesn't have to do much to keep you, either. Your self-respect is abandoned when you move in and when you accept his mistakes.
Living together is not a commitment. The immaturity has to do also with not having developed an esteem and identity that permit you to be right out there with the truth of your needs and feelings. Women tend to lie to themselves when making this kind of choice because they hope that the relationship will evolve. Many women tend to be kidding themselves in order not to lose their man, and that is a huge mistake.
Choices, to leave someone you love is an agonizing choice. To leave a satisfying relationship, to leave someone you love because the so called promise or fantasy of marriage does not arrive is difficult once you are living together. Then you SETTLE. The long-term gain is unpredictable, no matter how sure you are right now. Often, when a woman states her intent to jump ship, suddenly the man, not wanting to experience great loss either, will start paddling faster, but remember it is temporarly and this cycle will continue. My concern is that when relationships prematurely take on elements of sexuality and living-in, it makes it more difficult to have the objectivity required to make good decisions.
The sad part is that many times a woman does not move in because she wants to check her guy from a closer range. You move in to be protected, taken care of, to be wanted. And when you are in this mind-set, you can't for a moment wonder (especially not out loud) if you even want the guy...you're too busy making sure HE wants you. CONTROLLING, PETTY, SELFISH, INSECURE, DESTRUCTIVE, INMATURE, AND HURTFUL BEHAVIORS of the man in question become things to WORK AROUND rather than qualities to examine to decide on his worthiness to you! ONCE YOU ARE DUG IN, LIVING TOGETHER IT IS HARDER TO ASK YOURSELF THE VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: "IS THIS HOW I WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE?
Once you take the step to live together it is difficult to imagine backtracking. If you were simply dating, you'd look at his hypersensitivity and immaturity or anything else you don't approve of and be turned off by it, and not date him anymore..because you you'd have a whole other life to fall back on. WHEN YOU COMMIT THIS MUCH TO LIVING TOGETHER, IT MAKES IT EXTREMELY HARD TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. SO YOU USE A BAND-AID RATHER THAN A SCALPEL WHEN MAJOR SURGERY IS REQUIRED.
DATING ...NOT LIVING-IN ...IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT LEARNING AND DISCERNING. DATING IS SUPPOSED TO BE A KIND OF LEASE WITH AN OPTION...SO DON'T GET SEXUAL AND COHABIT RIGHT AWAY AND CHANGE THE MEANING OF DATING TO A "LEASE WITH PREMATURE OBLIGATIONS" SITUATION!
Man will say anything to get you to move in. Remember, Don't compromise yourself. If you want to get married and you feel this guy is the guy, date him, enjoy him, and see if in time you both feel the desire for that commitment. Otherwise, all you are doing by moving in is to play marriage, you really have compromised ...and gained nothing!
MY LOVE, REMEMBER ONE THING WHAT EVER YOU DO NOT LIKE ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND AT THIS POINT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP...YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE IT...NO MATTER IF HE PROMISES THAT HE WILL EVENTUALLY CHANGE. I BELIEVE YOU, THAT YOU LOVE HIM, THAT HE IS DIFFERENT AND VERY SPECIAL TO YOU. I AM NOT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY FROM WHAT YOU FEEL....BUT PLEASE RECONSIDER THE MOVING IN....ADVANTAGE GOES TO THE MAN WHEN THIS HAPPENS....WOMAN GETS HURT AT THE END.....PLEASE RECONSIDER.
I HAVE SAID MY PEACE ON THE MATTER...YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU AND YES! YOU WILL BE HURTING ME BY MOVING IN WITH HIM...PLEASE READ WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN A FEW TIMES....LET IT SINK IN.....LIFE IS ABOUT CHOICES....I DON'T AGREE WITH YOURS....BUT I AM YOUR FATHER AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU...THRU THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY. ALWAYS KNOW YOU CAN TURN TO ME AT ANYTIME,
I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU AS LONG AS I AM ALIVE. YOU ARE DISSAPOINTING ME ON YOUR CHOICE TO LIVE-IN, AND MOVING IN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. PLEASE READ WHAT I HAVE SAID AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND GUIDE YOU ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU!
PARENTS: A GOOD GIFT FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS IS: 10 STUPID THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES By:
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
You see a man can get away with anything rotten, political and personal if a woman allows it. Remember a woman is not responsible for man's choices. She is, however, responsible for her own. Many times women make the wrong choices due to thier lonliness, self-assertiveness, and self- sufficiency and they even allow the male to get away with obnoxious male behaviors and tolerate the choices he is making.
If a woman from the first meeting with an ill-mannered lout would express her disdain clearly and confidently, the guy would either shape up or expect to get shipped out. If instead, a woman focuses on her dependency and desperate need for male acceptance while forgetting about his dependency and craving for approval and then continues to be sexually receptive, she'll be giving him a strong signal that she condones his behavior.
WHY PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH YOUR LIFE?
Is it desperation? Fear of not having somebody ....of not having a life if a man doesn't want you. Perhaps waiting and growing in maturity, independence, and security-of-self are too tough to do...especially when you are young and needy and hoping to escape an unhappy past. Usually insecurity is what often makes a very young women move in with a man early in their hope that by association, (preferably marriage) with the guy, they will feel better about themselves and about life. The sad part it nevers works that way.
Love is Blind they say....my child by building your self-esteem and competency it will allow you to choose and make the right choices. By fantasizing and wanting something beautiful for the two of you there is almost inevitably the vain hope that being with a man will make something magical happen. Many young woman fall into this trap with fantasies that bypass the hard work of growing up and growing stronger. Just remember that you can create something beautiful not hope for it. YOU AND ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER, THE SOLE POWER, TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. When you blindly leap for a man, you generally end up repeating, reliving, the pain you've been trying to flee.
Once you start living with a partner, most man will talk about marriage but they don't know when, because they don't feel ready. Living together is like an audition, hoping to become a bride. IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE DATE THEM....DON'T MOVE IN! (Add this if it applies to you: I know your mother and I have not been the best example of this, so we are at fault also.)
Denial and being owned because it relieves you of responsibility is another way jumping on the living in arrangement. Remember, self-esteem is centered in the will to overcome circumstance, not to give in to being overcome. The act of GIVING is often takes the form of living-in. Women, have so much power when they know how to use it. By using courage and creativity a woman can choose and not become beggars.
If a man cannot rise to the occasion of respecting you fully he should be dumped. By hoping and trying you will end up the loser. When a woman moves in with a man, he does not have to do much to get you. If he decides to fool around he tells you his sorry, you forgive him and he learns something new...That he doesn't have to do much to keep you, either. Your self-respect is abandoned when you move in and when you accept his mistakes.
Living together is not a commitment. The immaturity has to do also with not having developed an esteem and identity that permit you to be right out there with the truth of your needs and feelings. Women tend to lie to themselves when making this kind of choice because they hope that the relationship will evolve. Many women tend to be kidding themselves in order not to lose their man, and that is a huge mistake.
Choices, to leave someone you love is an agonizing choice. To leave a satisfying relationship, to leave someone you love because the so called promise or fantasy of marriage does not arrive is difficult once you are living together. Then you SETTLE. The long-term gain is unpredictable, no matter how sure you are right now. Often, when a woman states her intent to jump ship, suddenly the man, not wanting to experience great loss either, will start paddling faster, but remember it is temporarly and this cycle will continue. My concern is that when relationships prematurely take on elements of sexuality and living-in, it makes it more difficult to have the objectivity required to make good decisions.
The sad part is that many times a woman does not move in because she wants to check her guy from a closer range. You move in to be protected, taken care of, to be wanted. And when you are in this mind-set, you can't for a moment wonder (especially not out loud) if you even want the guy...you're too busy making sure HE wants you. CONTROLLING, PETTY, SELFISH, INSECURE, DESTRUCTIVE, INMATURE, AND HURTFUL BEHAVIORS of the man in question become things to WORK AROUND rather than qualities to examine to decide on his worthiness to you! ONCE YOU ARE DUG IN, LIVING TOGETHER IT IS HARDER TO ASK YOURSELF THE VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: "IS THIS HOW I WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE?
Once you take the step to live together it is difficult to imagine backtracking. If you were simply dating, you'd look at his hypersensitivity and immaturity or anything else you don't approve of and be turned off by it, and not date him anymore..because you you'd have a whole other life to fall back on. WHEN YOU COMMIT THIS MUCH TO LIVING TOGETHER, IT MAKES IT EXTREMELY HARD TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. SO YOU USE A BAND-AID RATHER THAN A SCALPEL WHEN MAJOR SURGERY IS REQUIRED.
DATING ...NOT LIVING-IN ...IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT LEARNING AND DISCERNING. DATING IS SUPPOSED TO BE A KIND OF LEASE WITH AN OPTION...SO DON'T GET SEXUAL AND COHABIT RIGHT AWAY AND CHANGE THE MEANING OF DATING TO A "LEASE WITH PREMATURE OBLIGATIONS" SITUATION!
Man will say anything to get you to move in. Remember, Don't compromise yourself. If you want to get married and you feel this guy is the guy, date him, enjoy him, and see if in time you both feel the desire for that commitment. Otherwise, all you are doing by moving in is to play marriage, you really have compromised ...and gained nothing!
MY LOVE, REMEMBER ONE THING WHAT EVER YOU DO NOT LIKE ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND AT THIS POINT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP...YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE IT...NO MATTER IF HE PROMISES THAT HE WILL EVENTUALLY CHANGE. I BELIEVE YOU, THAT YOU LOVE HIM, THAT HE IS DIFFERENT AND VERY SPECIAL TO YOU. I AM NOT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY FROM WHAT YOU FEEL....BUT PLEASE RECONSIDER THE MOVING IN....ADVANTAGE GOES TO THE MAN WHEN THIS HAPPENS....WOMAN GETS HURT AT THE END.....PLEASE RECONSIDER.
I HAVE SAID MY PEACE ON THE MATTER...YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU AND YES! YOU WILL BE HURTING ME BY MOVING IN WITH HIM...PLEASE READ WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN A FEW TIMES....LET IT SINK IN.....LIFE IS ABOUT CHOICES....I DON'T AGREE WITH YOURS....BUT I AM YOUR FATHER AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU...THRU THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY. ALWAYS KNOW YOU CAN TURN TO ME AT ANYTIME,
I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU AS LONG AS I AM ALIVE. YOU ARE DISSAPOINTING ME ON YOUR CHOICE TO LIVE-IN, AND MOVING IN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. PLEASE READ WHAT I HAVE SAID AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND GUIDE YOU ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU!
PARENTS: A GOOD GIFT FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS IS: 10 STUPID THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES By:
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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