Always Within Ear Shot and other Contagious Conditions
Tara Paterson
July 25, 2007
"The odds of a child being within ear shot are as great as losing your money buying lottery tickets." -Unknown
I am convinced that children have selective hearing. I know this, because I can look my son square in the eyes and ask him to make his bed or pick up his toys and 5 minutes later when the tasks have not been completed, my son’s response is- "I didn’t hear you." I am always astounded at his response, because we made eye contact when having this conversation.
However, the minute I pick up the phone, 3 rooms away, both of my kids will inevitably have the urge to roll around on the floor outside of my office door. It’s as much a guarantee as death or taxes. I have yet to speak with a mom who doesn’t experience the exact same thing. I envision this antenna on the top of their head that sends out a vibe that interfaces with the phone wires. You may laugh, but what are the odds that a child, who is seemingly content playing or watching a TV program, could appear out of nowhere the moment you pick up the phone? I have more bad news. I have been told it does not end, EVER. My brother is 24 years old and just recently moved out of my parent’s house, for the second time. While living there this past time my mom would, on more than one occasion, have to explain to my brother that she was on the phone and they could discuss __X__ later. She enlightened me to the fact that it continues even into their 20’s. Are you kidding me? They need to be out of the house before we can have a peaceful phone conversation again?!!
Whatever happened to the luxury of using the bathroom- ALONE! Would you have ever thought that using a bathroom in peace could be considered a luxury?? My idea of a luxury is a spa vacation or a pedicure, not using a toilet.
Showers are also for the rich; rich and lathering soap commercials. I am not 100% sure that there even IS a soap commercial like this, but it sure sounds good. I used to love the 20 minute hot shower that allowed for: time to shave, exfoliate, and apply a treatment to beautify one’s hair. Now I have to be showered, dressed and out the door in half the time….sheesh.
And finally, whatever happened to that quick trip to the grocery store? At this point I have to allow a 3 hour turnaround time for my weekly shopping. Why? I usually walk out with the half of the store that was NOT on my list. Items just seem to magically appear in the cart as if the tooth fairy was standing at each corner waving her magic wand. Yeah right!
What I have figured out at this point, is that there are a few facts missing from all of the parenting or pre- parenting books out there :
a.) you will never have a peaceful phone conversation again;
b.)you will never be able to use the toilet by yourself again;
c.)a shower will only be allowed before 6am or after 9pm;
d.)and under no circumstances will you ever walk into a grocery store again and come out with ONLY the items on your list.
I like to call these ailments: the Theory of Selective Hearing; the Dual Potty Syndrome; the Anti- Clean Protest; and the Extra Out of Pocket Checkout Condition. I bet you feel better knowing these are actual conditions and not just your imagination playing tricks on you, don’t you…!
2004- 2007 by Tara Paterson, All Rights Reserved
Points made in this article are humor based and are not intended to attract advice!
I am convinced that children have selective hearing. I know this, because I can look my son square in the eyes and ask him to make his bed or pick up his toys and 5 minutes later when the tasks have not been completed, my son’s response is- "I didn’t hear you." I am always astounded at his response, because we made eye contact when having this conversation.
However, the minute I pick up the phone, 3 rooms away, both of my kids will inevitably have the urge to roll around on the floor outside of my office door. It’s as much a guarantee as death or taxes. I have yet to speak with a mom who doesn’t experience the exact same thing. I envision this antenna on the top of their head that sends out a vibe that interfaces with the phone wires. You may laugh, but what are the odds that a child, who is seemingly content playing or watching a TV program, could appear out of nowhere the moment you pick up the phone? I have more bad news. I have been told it does not end, EVER. My brother is 24 years old and just recently moved out of my parent’s house, for the second time. While living there this past time my mom would, on more than one occasion, have to explain to my brother that she was on the phone and they could discuss __X__ later. She enlightened me to the fact that it continues even into their 20’s. Are you kidding me? They need to be out of the house before we can have a peaceful phone conversation again?!!
Whatever happened to the luxury of using the bathroom- ALONE! Would you have ever thought that using a bathroom in peace could be considered a luxury?? My idea of a luxury is a spa vacation or a pedicure, not using a toilet.
Showers are also for the rich; rich and lathering soap commercials. I am not 100% sure that there even IS a soap commercial like this, but it sure sounds good. I used to love the 20 minute hot shower that allowed for: time to shave, exfoliate, and apply a treatment to beautify one’s hair. Now I have to be showered, dressed and out the door in half the time….sheesh.
And finally, whatever happened to that quick trip to the grocery store? At this point I have to allow a 3 hour turnaround time for my weekly shopping. Why? I usually walk out with the half of the store that was NOT on my list. Items just seem to magically appear in the cart as if the tooth fairy was standing at each corner waving her magic wand. Yeah right!
What I have figured out at this point, is that there are a few facts missing from all of the parenting or pre- parenting books out there :
a.) you will never have a peaceful phone conversation again;
b.)you will never be able to use the toilet by yourself again;
c.)a shower will only be allowed before 6am or after 9pm;
d.)and under no circumstances will you ever walk into a grocery store again and come out with ONLY the items on your list.
I like to call these ailments: the Theory of Selective Hearing; the Dual Potty Syndrome; the Anti- Clean Protest; and the Extra Out of Pocket Checkout Condition. I bet you feel better knowing these are actual conditions and not just your imagination playing tricks on you, don’t you…!
2004- 2007 by Tara Paterson, All Rights Reserved
Points made in this article are humor based and are not intended to attract advice!
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