DEMOCRATS AND THE DENVER BOOT -- THE UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM

To the Democratic Party Chairman.

Dear Dr. Dean:

" ... A political party which wishes to lead must listen to those it would lead ...."

So reads the Preamble of the Democratic Party Charter, adding: " ... A party which asks for the people's trust must prove that it trusts the people."

Thus, if you plan on leading me, listen up and trust me on this. What I'm about to propose has never been done. It may never have even been imagined. It's daring. It's open rebellion. It's our heritage. It's also likely that donkeys will fly, elephants will knit and Paris Hilton will become Mother Superior before we ever see it, but I'm suggesting it, anyway.

Hey, it's my Party and I'll try if I want to.

Ready? Hold on to your Green Mountain hat, and CANCEL THE 2008 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION.

Now, if you can get past the notion (and sounds) of a political platform dropping like a gallows trap door, plank by plank, pay close attention:

The whole shebang scheduled for August of 2008 at Denver's Pepsi Center, (AKA "The Can") counting everything from blimps to paper clips, will come in at around 100 million dollars. I'm not learned enough to know exactly how many more millions will be generated and spent, all in the cause of anointing a foregone conclusion, so let's just play it by earmarks, run fast & footloose with the figure, and call it a 200 million dollar hoopla, all to belabor the obvious. Now, add another 300 million for gratuities, t-shirts, traffic cops, limo drivers, laptops, party favors and room service.

Half a billion dollars, when all the backslapping's done, for ... well, confetti.

For decades, national political conventions have been the ratifying, not the determining factor in selecting a nominee. We'll all know by mid-winter of '08 who the standard bearer will be. No? I'll see your Iowa Caucus and raise you my Granite State Primary that by February, six months before the Convention, it'll all be over but the crying and the bookkeeping.

It's time to face it: We no longer need the grand old glitz & glamour ball with its horde of cheering fanatics in funny hats. That's why we have football stadiums in America.

So, as a working humorist and a registered, voting Democrat, I'm here to tell you how to not only cinch the election but do the right thing, by acting on the Party's "long and proud history of representing and protecting the interests of working Americans" -- and cancelling the Convention.

Let's instead spend the half a billion dollar bar tab on a little democracy. What kind, you might ask? (Actually, you're probably asking from which asylum I've escaped.)

But, I'm not one to curse the darkness without lighting a candle, so here's how I'd strike this alternative match. Come Democratic Convention day, the viewing world would tune into this:

Our candidate (and family) sitting on a front porch with a farmer (and family) somewhere in America's breadbasket.

(Please, let's not take our cue from George Bush, who once said he was "thrilled to be here in the breadbasket of America." Problem was, he was in California at the time, what he also called the "brie & cheese" basket of America.)

I'm talking Heartland. You know: tabletop terrain, porch swings, milk can end tables, hanging plants, a long-eared dog and a sprawling lap cat. Throw in a moo-cow or two, a red barn, and a few chickens.

Now, as backdrop, add a passing donkey pulling a vintage plow and steadied by a bibjeaned and waving House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Caution: There will be media consultants who'll want to juxtapose this with a herd of trumpeting, trampling, stampeding elephants, using clips from any old Tarzan movie. Throw those bums out.).

Our candidate and families wave to Nancy, then he/she puts down his/her potato salad, pets the dog, and strokes the cat. We'll then hear a speech, as a long version of "God Bless America" begins a slow background swell.

The speech will speak to how the Democratic Party is concerned not only with where the buck stops, but where it starts --- and it will start here, by not spending half a billion dollars on a self-serving shindig.

It will speak to how we'll instead spend that money where it is most needed: on America's children, the elderly, the disabled, our soldiers and their families, and generous grants for working humor columnists.

It will speak to Nancy Pelosi's response, when she learned of her appointment as chairperson for the 2008 Convention, and said: "At the convention, Democrats will share with the American people our priorities and values that will take our nation in a new direction."

(On second thought, right about here might indeed be a good place to insert the stampeding elephants.)

The point is, Dr. Dean, here's the new direction: Let's be bold, get rid of the ceremonial ballyhoo, trust that we know what we're about, listen up, prioritize some values, and represent a little protection.

Take back the White House?

Let's put a revolutionary rock in our sock, give our Primary shoe-in the Denver boot, and we'll walk away with it.

Copyright 2007 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.