Woman's Injustice to Man
Wolfram Donat
October 18, 2005
My wife is being unreasonable again.
She has a habit of grasping the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes, and shaking her head slowly. A few moments later, she will slowly rub the middle of her forehead. This is normally immediately after I have come up with some brilliant idea or another, such as changing the local climate using vacuum cleaners. There is now a shiny, calloused area on her forehead which she calls her ‘husband spot,’ which I feel is totally unfair. My genius has yet to be recognized, and I’m sure Edison’s wife had a few interesting days as well.
My wife claims that the reason I need constant supervision ("Mom? He's home by himself today. Would you drive by the house and make sure it's still standing?") is to keep me from hurting myself, and maybe she has a point. One thing men have always been good at is actually trying all the stupid ideas they come up with, regardless of the consequences. Orville and Wilbur Wright probably weren't in the air for more than seventeen seconds before Orville thought to himself, "Hey! I could grab four corners of a blanket and jump out of this contraption!" If it weren't for women, mankind would have died off long ago.
Kind of puts a new spin on Darwinism, doesn't it? Perhaps therein lies the real reason for relationships - simple survival of the species as well as the obvious advantages of procreation. The man may contribute his genetic material once and then be out of the picture, but if June wants Ward to be around any length of time to help care for the little one, then she’s stuck making sure he survives past thirty.
Of course, if she gives birth to a son, then she’s going to be outnumbered as soon as the boy is able to walk and talk. Boys inherit their father’s natural inclination to do stupid things. Or I suppose it could be a learned behavior. I remember the time I first taught my son that heartwarming phrase, “Now, Mommy doesn’t need to know about this, right?” I also am looking forward to the first time she comes home from having coffee with her mother and I have to explain exactly why my son’s tricycle is in a tree.
But my argument here is that women can take it too far. In retrospect, I’m glad she didn’t let me install an ejection seat in my Jeep. But why won’t she let me write “UFOS LAND HERE” in bright red paint on the roof of the house? It’s not like the neighbors are going to see it. And why won’t she let me put an escape hatch in the bedroom? I think that would greatly enhance the resale value of the house. “And this, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, is the main bedroom. As you can see, the former owner had the incredible foresight to install an escape hatch over here in the corner.” At which point Mr. Smith will be completely sold, already planning how it could be used during the next invasion of rabid water buffalo.
I suppose my point is this: Men can be odd and incredibly idiotic, but sometimes that’s a good thing. It’s just a matter of deciding the difference between a ‘good’ odd and a ‘bad’ odd, and who gets to decide that? I would like to think that if my neighbors are pointing and whispering then my genius is finally showing through. However, I can rely on my wife to point out that it may only be because my shoes don’t match and I’m fastening a home made rocket engine onto my mountain bike.
I suppose I shall have to live with the injustice as long as I remain unable or unwilling to predict all the consequences of my actions. I’m sure I could think things through if I took the time, but it’s more fun to just jump and see what happens. Luckily for me, I have a very patient woman who loves me to look after me and keep me (and the world) safe.
I’m hoping my hair will grow back by Christmas.
She has a habit of grasping the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes, and shaking her head slowly. A few moments later, she will slowly rub the middle of her forehead. This is normally immediately after I have come up with some brilliant idea or another, such as changing the local climate using vacuum cleaners. There is now a shiny, calloused area on her forehead which she calls her ‘husband spot,’ which I feel is totally unfair. My genius has yet to be recognized, and I’m sure Edison’s wife had a few interesting days as well.
My wife claims that the reason I need constant supervision ("Mom? He's home by himself today. Would you drive by the house and make sure it's still standing?") is to keep me from hurting myself, and maybe she has a point. One thing men have always been good at is actually trying all the stupid ideas they come up with, regardless of the consequences. Orville and Wilbur Wright probably weren't in the air for more than seventeen seconds before Orville thought to himself, "Hey! I could grab four corners of a blanket and jump out of this contraption!" If it weren't for women, mankind would have died off long ago.
Kind of puts a new spin on Darwinism, doesn't it? Perhaps therein lies the real reason for relationships - simple survival of the species as well as the obvious advantages of procreation. The man may contribute his genetic material once and then be out of the picture, but if June wants Ward to be around any length of time to help care for the little one, then she’s stuck making sure he survives past thirty.
Of course, if she gives birth to a son, then she’s going to be outnumbered as soon as the boy is able to walk and talk. Boys inherit their father’s natural inclination to do stupid things. Or I suppose it could be a learned behavior. I remember the time I first taught my son that heartwarming phrase, “Now, Mommy doesn’t need to know about this, right?” I also am looking forward to the first time she comes home from having coffee with her mother and I have to explain exactly why my son’s tricycle is in a tree.
But my argument here is that women can take it too far. In retrospect, I’m glad she didn’t let me install an ejection seat in my Jeep. But why won’t she let me write “UFOS LAND HERE” in bright red paint on the roof of the house? It’s not like the neighbors are going to see it. And why won’t she let me put an escape hatch in the bedroom? I think that would greatly enhance the resale value of the house. “And this, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, is the main bedroom. As you can see, the former owner had the incredible foresight to install an escape hatch over here in the corner.” At which point Mr. Smith will be completely sold, already planning how it could be used during the next invasion of rabid water buffalo.
I suppose my point is this: Men can be odd and incredibly idiotic, but sometimes that’s a good thing. It’s just a matter of deciding the difference between a ‘good’ odd and a ‘bad’ odd, and who gets to decide that? I would like to think that if my neighbors are pointing and whispering then my genius is finally showing through. However, I can rely on my wife to point out that it may only be because my shoes don’t match and I’m fastening a home made rocket engine onto my mountain bike.
I suppose I shall have to live with the injustice as long as I remain unable or unwilling to predict all the consequences of my actions. I’m sure I could think things through if I took the time, but it’s more fun to just jump and see what happens. Luckily for me, I have a very patient woman who loves me to look after me and keep me (and the world) safe.
I’m hoping my hair will grow back by Christmas.
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