Breaking the Cycle of Rage
Victoria Hardy
April 26, 2007
Three times I have attempted to write an article about the Alec Baldwin voice mail incident and each time I have failed, or stumbled. I realized the reason this article was so hard to write is because I would have to be honest, I couldn’t gloss it over or judge it harshly, and I would have to acknowledge to myself and those reading that this is a very personal subject. I don’t want to talk about custody battles, or who is right or wrong, but I do want to speak on the power of words and how they can hurt, worse than sticks and stones. I had a raging father, a father who thought nothing of calling me pig, stupid, whore, lazy or fat, occasionally he used his hands and his view of raising children was that they should be seen, not heard. But I am also not seeking to condemn my father, I know in his way and in his pain, he often did try and I forgave him before he died in 1990.
I have heard so many defend Alec Baldwin, mention his frustration and point fingers at his ex-wife, I’ve even heard some blame his daughter and express how difficult it is to raise children. I think we all understand that it is no easy feat to be a parent, kids do push our buttons, irritate us and challenge us, they make noise, make messes, can be selfish and have opinions that we may not like, but to call our children names creates a reality for them that may last the rest of their lives. I think as parents we forget how much influence we have over our children, they watch us, study us and their emotions are tuned in to ours, they observe, remember and file away everything. Add that silent communication to a verbal onslaught and it’s like setting off a bomb in the landscape of the child’s brain, it changes their view, their vision, of the world.
When I left home at 17 I had no idea how angry I was, I didn’t recognize how that environment of fear and intimidation had colored me. I spent my 20’s running from job to job, relationship to relationship, crazed it seems, looking back and totally unaware of how much pain I was carrying. Somewhere inside of me I believed my father’s words about my worth, I believed I was inferior and I understood that I was stupid, slow and unattractive. I assumed, as most do, that my family knew me best and assuming that, I accepted my role. But something in me raged against those barriers, I was reckless, self-destructive and defensive. I knew something wasn’t right and I looked everywhere, except inside. Eventually, after years of punching the wind, exhaustion set in and I was forced to acknowledge the demon.
I believe as parents we all try to do better for our kids than was done for us, I think we consciously try to fix the wrongs we recall from our own upbringing and I know we all make mistakes. But we must remember that words are powerful tools and just like any other tool, they can be used to create beauty or destruction. Although I found Mr. Baldwin’s tirade disturbing, I figure he is in just as much pain as anyone else and probably witnessed rage himself as a child. And although I understand why Ms. Basinger may be concerned about exposing her daughter to that type of behavior, I don’t think it’s about choosing sides or assigning blame, it should be about breaking cycles.
I have heard so many defend Alec Baldwin, mention his frustration and point fingers at his ex-wife, I’ve even heard some blame his daughter and express how difficult it is to raise children. I think we all understand that it is no easy feat to be a parent, kids do push our buttons, irritate us and challenge us, they make noise, make messes, can be selfish and have opinions that we may not like, but to call our children names creates a reality for them that may last the rest of their lives. I think as parents we forget how much influence we have over our children, they watch us, study us and their emotions are tuned in to ours, they observe, remember and file away everything. Add that silent communication to a verbal onslaught and it’s like setting off a bomb in the landscape of the child’s brain, it changes their view, their vision, of the world.
When I left home at 17 I had no idea how angry I was, I didn’t recognize how that environment of fear and intimidation had colored me. I spent my 20’s running from job to job, relationship to relationship, crazed it seems, looking back and totally unaware of how much pain I was carrying. Somewhere inside of me I believed my father’s words about my worth, I believed I was inferior and I understood that I was stupid, slow and unattractive. I assumed, as most do, that my family knew me best and assuming that, I accepted my role. But something in me raged against those barriers, I was reckless, self-destructive and defensive. I knew something wasn’t right and I looked everywhere, except inside. Eventually, after years of punching the wind, exhaustion set in and I was forced to acknowledge the demon.
I believe as parents we all try to do better for our kids than was done for us, I think we consciously try to fix the wrongs we recall from our own upbringing and I know we all make mistakes. But we must remember that words are powerful tools and just like any other tool, they can be used to create beauty or destruction. Although I found Mr. Baldwin’s tirade disturbing, I figure he is in just as much pain as anyone else and probably witnessed rage himself as a child. And although I understand why Ms. Basinger may be concerned about exposing her daughter to that type of behavior, I don’t think it’s about choosing sides or assigning blame, it should be about breaking cycles.
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