Animals threatened by global warming speak out
Dan Liftman
August 29, 2011
According to recent reports, animals are fleeing global warming by heading north faster every year. From bats to badgers and butterflies to bears, creatures large and small are heading away from the equator as quick as they can.
Environmentalists are alarmed and dismayed at the trends in animal migration. They point to former Vice President Al Gore´s movie, An Inconvenient Truth, as proof that the world is headed for disaster if major changes are not made soon. Unfortunately for those concerned about the steady pace of industrialization and its harmful effects on our atmosphere, many in the United States Congress have dismissed the alarms as "false" and "nothing to worry about." Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn has referred to global warming as "just a lot of crap."
If people can´t persuade Congress to take action, maybe animals can. On Sunday, a new organization called Sensible Attitudes Victory for the Environment and United Species (SAVE US) held a press conference in front of the White House. Composed of various animal species, the group has begun speaking out in defense of their homes and their lives. SAVES President Tom Turtell, a gopher tortoise from Florida, said, "This is ridiculous. You people are wrecking the ecology. You think nothing of building more nuclear plants and lopping off mountain tops for coal, just so you can run your hair driers, microwaves and 60" TVs. You ´drill, baby, drill´ idiots want more oil so you can drive SUVs the size of moon rockets, but you don´t care about us. We were here first, damn it!"
SAVE US Vice President, Robert Elkhart, an elk from Alaska, pleaded, "Don´t you see what´s happening? We´ll be the first to die, but you´ll die, too, eventually. You have to stop electing morons like Tom Coburn, Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann. All of them together don´t have even the brains God gave Glenn Beck. I visited Sara Palin once when she was governor to try to talk some sense into her. She´s a hot babe, but she has bricks for brains. She listened to me for a while, but she wasn´t going to change her mind. When she pulled out a .006, pointed to a wall and said, ´Your head would look good up there,´ I hightailed it. Seriously, people, you have got to change your ways!"
George Baer, a grizzly who lives in Yellowstone National Park, is president of Wyoming SAVE US. He added, angrily, "It´s been hot as Hell this summer and it´s getting hotter every day. Back in July, I had to strip to my skivvies and stay that way for a week. Do you know how embarrassed I was when I was spotted by a group of tourists? National Geographic was there, too, that week, filming a documentary. When the cameraman got real close, I gave him the finger. You didn´t see that because they cut my scene. If something doesn´t change soon, we´re all going to move in with you to share your air conditioning and cold beer!"
I. Will Eadam, a vulture from California, closed out the press conference. "I live in Death Valley, so I´m used to the heat. It´s actually been a good summer for me, thanks to a handful of hikers who dropped dead in my neighborhood. Nonetheless, you people need to do a major rethink. You can´t just keep pumping more poisons into the atmosphere and go on your merry way. That BP oil spill in the Gulf killed thousands of turtles, dolphins, fish and other animals. One of the pelicans I saw covered in oil was a friend of mine." Eadam ended his remarks with this warning for members of Congress: "We want change and we want it now. You will all be hearing from us very soon. Tom Coburn will be first. We´re going to show up at his home and crap on his lawn. You´ve all heard of sit-ins. Well, we´re going to have a [expletive]-in!"
Environmentalists are alarmed and dismayed at the trends in animal migration. They point to former Vice President Al Gore´s movie, An Inconvenient Truth, as proof that the world is headed for disaster if major changes are not made soon. Unfortunately for those concerned about the steady pace of industrialization and its harmful effects on our atmosphere, many in the United States Congress have dismissed the alarms as "false" and "nothing to worry about." Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn has referred to global warming as "just a lot of crap."
If people can´t persuade Congress to take action, maybe animals can. On Sunday, a new organization called Sensible Attitudes Victory for the Environment and United Species (SAVE US) held a press conference in front of the White House. Composed of various animal species, the group has begun speaking out in defense of their homes and their lives. SAVES President Tom Turtell, a gopher tortoise from Florida, said, "This is ridiculous. You people are wrecking the ecology. You think nothing of building more nuclear plants and lopping off mountain tops for coal, just so you can run your hair driers, microwaves and 60" TVs. You ´drill, baby, drill´ idiots want more oil so you can drive SUVs the size of moon rockets, but you don´t care about us. We were here first, damn it!"
SAVE US Vice President, Robert Elkhart, an elk from Alaska, pleaded, "Don´t you see what´s happening? We´ll be the first to die, but you´ll die, too, eventually. You have to stop electing morons like Tom Coburn, Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann. All of them together don´t have even the brains God gave Glenn Beck. I visited Sara Palin once when she was governor to try to talk some sense into her. She´s a hot babe, but she has bricks for brains. She listened to me for a while, but she wasn´t going to change her mind. When she pulled out a .006, pointed to a wall and said, ´Your head would look good up there,´ I hightailed it. Seriously, people, you have got to change your ways!"
George Baer, a grizzly who lives in Yellowstone National Park, is president of Wyoming SAVE US. He added, angrily, "It´s been hot as Hell this summer and it´s getting hotter every day. Back in July, I had to strip to my skivvies and stay that way for a week. Do you know how embarrassed I was when I was spotted by a group of tourists? National Geographic was there, too, that week, filming a documentary. When the cameraman got real close, I gave him the finger. You didn´t see that because they cut my scene. If something doesn´t change soon, we´re all going to move in with you to share your air conditioning and cold beer!"
I. Will Eadam, a vulture from California, closed out the press conference. "I live in Death Valley, so I´m used to the heat. It´s actually been a good summer for me, thanks to a handful of hikers who dropped dead in my neighborhood. Nonetheless, you people need to do a major rethink. You can´t just keep pumping more poisons into the atmosphere and go on your merry way. That BP oil spill in the Gulf killed thousands of turtles, dolphins, fish and other animals. One of the pelicans I saw covered in oil was a friend of mine." Eadam ended his remarks with this warning for members of Congress: "We want change and we want it now. You will all be hearing from us very soon. Tom Coburn will be first. We´re going to show up at his home and crap on his lawn. You´ve all heard of sit-ins. Well, we´re going to have a [expletive]-in!"
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