WHY MEN DON'T CHANGE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Peter Andrew Sacco, Ph.D.
April 12, 2007
Imagine if you will: You have a pair of underwear, a pair of socks filled with several holes or a baseball cap which was pretty much from Hank Aaron’s era. You continually wear them as your wife continually nags you to throw them out and “for heaven’s sake, wear something new!” The more often she nags you, the more satisfaction you get wearing your nostalgic paraphernalia. Now, let’s turn the tables for a moment. Your wife has underwear or stockings with holes in the them. You notice the holes in her apparel. Before you even have a chance to clear your throat and tell her about them, in the garbage they go and out comes a fresh, new pair! Wow, what a dichotomy in the thinking process of “underwear”! So much made over a simple pair of underwear.
What is really going on in this example is more than underwear and what meets the naked eye, no pun intended! The process of change is what is occurring. In fact, change is occurring at several levels: The physical level and the intimate level. Let’s have a look.
At the physical level, most men are very superficial in judging things based on their visual perceptions. They look at situations or objects, and are more likely than women to perceive them in quantifiable terms. Using the example of the underwear or the baseball cap, she tells you “they look like hell, get rid of them.” You tell her “they are still wearable, the holes are not that bad.” Furthermore, you might also chide in something like, “they are counted and paid for!” What is going on is your tangible thinking process regarding change. You perceive something as “not broken”, so why fix it? Also, you have become comfortable with the way “things” are, so why change them now?
At the intimate or intangible level, when she asks you to throw something out, you may take it to a deeper level, to heart so to speak! “Who made you my mother thinking you can tell me what to wear and not wear?” you tell yourself. Women welcome change more so than men do. This has to do with their own psychological evolution.
Women are taught throughout their lives change is good and it promotes optimal well being. In fact, psychological evolution is very important for women as it facilitates continual personal growth. Women perceive the world at the intangible level and like to see the minor intricacies of things. Growth means positive change. Growth means connecting at a deeper intimate level in communication and affection. They want to know what makes their mate tick!
Many men on the other hand, may perceive change as threatening. Most men think in quantifiable ways and believe what they see is what matters most. A man may look at the marriage and believe he is doing his part by endeavoring in his career, buying her everything she asks for and even staying home instead of going out with his friends. When she says she wants more, he scratches his head and utters, “say what?” The change she is looking for is intimate growth. She needs to connect with him at a deeper level, the same way she connects with her female best friends. Her husband is now considered her best friend so she expects him to communicate the same way. For many men, this is asking a tall order. Women want what they can’t have… a man who can be like them intimately and understand them!
Those old tattered underwear are symbolic of perceptions of relationships for many men. They are satisfied with remaining status quo. Marriage often times means taking the relationship to the next level, one of deeper, intimate connection. Many believe to be intimate is to have sex with their wives and there “emotional duty” is complete. Wrong! There was probably sex before the marriage and there will be sex, hopefully after the marriage. Keep in mind, she is evolving psychologically as an individual and also as the role of wife in a married couple. She wants her husband to keep up with her and experience the same kind of change. For most women, this is a by-product of their early childhood when they were taught to become androgynous. In learning androgyny, women were also taught that emotional change is a huge part of the process. Males, on the other hand, as children are usually mainstreamed into becoming masculine thinkers. To be a masculine thinker is to become complacent in emotional and social values. Therefore, in becoming men most believe they are fine the way they are and the way they have always been so why change for anyone including their wives?
When wives speak of change or strive for change in a marriage they are seeking growth together with their mates. Most men perceive this change as a threat to their manhood and begin seeing their wives as nags. Only when husbands realize their wives are truly trying to better the marriage from they ways they have learned from their own “androgynous” teachings, will the dynamics of the marriage become more amicable.
The following was based on Why Women Want What They Cant' Have! To learn more about change in marriage and why so many marriages and relationships fail, read the very popular selling book Why Women Want What They Can't Have by Peter Andrew Sacco. Please visit: www.petersacco.com to read free chapters, or visit; www.barnesandnoble.com, www.amazon.com, or www.airleafpublishing.com
What is really going on in this example is more than underwear and what meets the naked eye, no pun intended! The process of change is what is occurring. In fact, change is occurring at several levels: The physical level and the intimate level. Let’s have a look.
At the physical level, most men are very superficial in judging things based on their visual perceptions. They look at situations or objects, and are more likely than women to perceive them in quantifiable terms. Using the example of the underwear or the baseball cap, she tells you “they look like hell, get rid of them.” You tell her “they are still wearable, the holes are not that bad.” Furthermore, you might also chide in something like, “they are counted and paid for!” What is going on is your tangible thinking process regarding change. You perceive something as “not broken”, so why fix it? Also, you have become comfortable with the way “things” are, so why change them now?
At the intimate or intangible level, when she asks you to throw something out, you may take it to a deeper level, to heart so to speak! “Who made you my mother thinking you can tell me what to wear and not wear?” you tell yourself. Women welcome change more so than men do. This has to do with their own psychological evolution.
Women are taught throughout their lives change is good and it promotes optimal well being. In fact, psychological evolution is very important for women as it facilitates continual personal growth. Women perceive the world at the intangible level and like to see the minor intricacies of things. Growth means positive change. Growth means connecting at a deeper intimate level in communication and affection. They want to know what makes their mate tick!
Many men on the other hand, may perceive change as threatening. Most men think in quantifiable ways and believe what they see is what matters most. A man may look at the marriage and believe he is doing his part by endeavoring in his career, buying her everything she asks for and even staying home instead of going out with his friends. When she says she wants more, he scratches his head and utters, “say what?” The change she is looking for is intimate growth. She needs to connect with him at a deeper level, the same way she connects with her female best friends. Her husband is now considered her best friend so she expects him to communicate the same way. For many men, this is asking a tall order. Women want what they can’t have… a man who can be like them intimately and understand them!
Those old tattered underwear are symbolic of perceptions of relationships for many men. They are satisfied with remaining status quo. Marriage often times means taking the relationship to the next level, one of deeper, intimate connection. Many believe to be intimate is to have sex with their wives and there “emotional duty” is complete. Wrong! There was probably sex before the marriage and there will be sex, hopefully after the marriage. Keep in mind, she is evolving psychologically as an individual and also as the role of wife in a married couple. She wants her husband to keep up with her and experience the same kind of change. For most women, this is a by-product of their early childhood when they were taught to become androgynous. In learning androgyny, women were also taught that emotional change is a huge part of the process. Males, on the other hand, as children are usually mainstreamed into becoming masculine thinkers. To be a masculine thinker is to become complacent in emotional and social values. Therefore, in becoming men most believe they are fine the way they are and the way they have always been so why change for anyone including their wives?
When wives speak of change or strive for change in a marriage they are seeking growth together with their mates. Most men perceive this change as a threat to their manhood and begin seeing their wives as nags. Only when husbands realize their wives are truly trying to better the marriage from they ways they have learned from their own “androgynous” teachings, will the dynamics of the marriage become more amicable.
The following was based on Why Women Want What They Cant' Have! To learn more about change in marriage and why so many marriages and relationships fail, read the very popular selling book Why Women Want What They Can't Have by Peter Andrew Sacco. Please visit: www.petersacco.com to read free chapters, or visit; www.barnesandnoble.com, www.amazon.com, or www.airleafpublishing.com
Print
Email
