BALLS AND STRIKES -- A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ZONE

" ... Maria Cortesio Papageorgiou ...."

The name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but I predict that one day its abridged version will become as much a household fixture as a teenage cell phone.

Thirty-year old Ria Cortesio is on deck to become Major League Baseball's first regular season female umpire. No woman has ever done it, and when Ria recently umped in a big league exhibition game, she was the first woman to appear there in nearly twenty years.

But, a woman umpire going to "The Show" in MLB's regular season? The record books are waiting to be writ as Ria nears this ballpark benchmark. When asked for her pitch on the prospect of becoming the first woman to skirt the big league bases, her response was the height of low & outside: "It never comes up in my mind during the game. They hate me just like they hate any other umpire."

I couldn’t agree more, and would affectionately say: "Kill the umpire-ress!" I would say it, but I can't just yet, until I abandon my ingrained notion that baseball umpires should look like William Bendix and orate like Henry Kissinger, and I should be over that in another paragraph.

Ria Cortesio couldn't be further from the Bendix/Kissinger stereotype – she's tall and lithe, and fist-pumps her calls with a Ron Luciano-like flair. In his book: "The Umpire Strikes Back," Ron Luciano said: "Any umpire who claims he has never missed a play is ... well, an umpire." Umpirically-speaking, he was getting in touch with his feminine side without knowing it.

Women have been unreservedly calling men safe or out since Eden. Doing it while standing on a diamond instead of wearing one seems natural to me. In fact, a woman is not only equally suited as any man for this job – she may well be more qualified.

(Let's pause for a moment as the hardcore, mitt-slapping, cleat-tapping, bat-swinging male contingent among us falls into the dugout.)

First, a thumbnail explanation and history of the Grand Old Game:

Major League Baseball (MLB) is a game played between men of opposing teams. Originally, these men used flat wooden bats and round balls. When this caused a Revolutionary War, round bats were adopted in protest, the game here was dubbed the "National Pastime" in an independent declaration, and the Flat-Bats fled back to England. In the ensuing centuries, no American man ever challenged the folly of attempting to hit a round ball with a round stick of wood.

Women did, which is why they were not allowed to play. All the more reason why they should now be brought in to officiate.

A sensible woman, upon attending her first baseball game, once observed: "I don't like all this 'stealing' business. If they can't run over to the next boat cushion honestly, they shouldn't be allowed to play." She was hounded from the stadium, and went on to become my grandmother.

This is why women umpires in MLB will change the game for the better, because Grandma Verna also believed in the methodology and practice of: "Whatever flips your skirt," and once so-instructed my sister when asked how to best pursue her heart's desire.

Once women take the neutral high ground with the hardballers, however, I'll concede that a few rules may have to be fine-tuned:

The female umpire may toss out any pinch runner or pinch hitter caught in either of these acts, for reasons we needn't belabor.

A batter may run around the bases in any direction. If the object of the game is to "come home" safely ahead of being thrown out, he should not be restricted to, nor afforded any excuses for, which route he does or doesn't take.

A batter may hit only a limited number of pitches into foul territory. The number of times this is allowed will be determined solely by the discretion of the lady ump, and, once declared, will be known as the "Ump-Teenth Time," at which point he can be ejected from the game.

When any hitter, in the eyes of the new woman in blue, is deemed to have been "caught looking" on the third strike, he must retire from the game immediately and join his wife in the stands.

Clean-up hitters will be given special consideration if they find themselves in scoring position, but only if they don't intentionally walk or get there on an offensive play, and do, in fact, clean-up when they're done.

No more "male gestures," and we needn't belabor those particulars, either.

Lastly, if any player argues with a female umpire's call in the strike zone, he'll be given the silent treatment and will never get to the first boat cushion again unless he apologizes and starts over in Grandma's batting order.

Your call, Ria, and welcome to it!

Copyright 2007 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.