On Stranger Tides Just Stops Trying

The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is probably the most blatant example of product exploitation that exists today and demonstrates how one simple idea can sprout into a multibillion dollar operation. What started out as a thrill ride at a theme park has grown into a leviathanistic film franchise that has spawned games, toys, and eventually a small island nation (probably). If the first three films in the series are any indication as to how well a cow can be milked then the fourth and most recent installment is an example of how to gut said cow and grind up whatever´s left into what will eventually become ballgame hotdogs and then sell said hotdogs for several million dollars.

Like the previous films "On Stranger Tides" begins with a rudimentary hanging that´s inevitably thwarted by Jack Sparrow/Mad Hatter/Every Character Johnny Depp Has Ever Played followed by a quest to find the Fountain of Youth. The movie´s premise seems to have everything going for it at first, utilizing all the most famous elements of pirate lore: the fabled fountain, mermaids, and Blackbeard.

Of course just having the ingredients is no guarantee that whatever comes out of the oven will be edible and indeed what director Rob Marshall has cooked up tastes more like an episode of a television series than a feature film besides its ass-numbing 120+ minute runtime. There are more swordfights than I can count and despite the fact that they´re well-choreographed they´re just so numerous that they start to get really, really boring. I can only watch two pieces of metal clash together so many times before I figure out that they make a clinging noise and the least-likable people will be the ones to meet the business end.

Perhaps the largest complaint is aimed at the film´s primary antagonist. Blackbeard is unarguably the world´s most infamous pirate who, as Sparrow puts it, is the "pirate all pirates fear." But Ian McShane´s rendition of the character is no more fearsome or unique than Geoffrey Rush´s Barbossa from the first three films (Barbossa returns in this one, but his presence is somewhat saddening by the powdered wig and makeup he adorns in his opening scene…a somewhat tragic epitomization of the shameless lady of the evening the franchise has become). Blackbeard is simply boring. There´s nothing scary about him aside from a magical sword that can somehow make the ropes on his ship move like snakes, a problem that can easily be solved with a handy pair of scissors. Penelope Cruz, who plays his estranged daughter, brings eye candy but little else to the screen.

"Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" is a by-the-numbers, predictable movie that appears very rushed and stitched together at the last minute. It doesn´t have the epic feel of the previous installments, and it´s not just because it lacks the big budget special effects of its predecessors. Its only real redeeming quality is the growing love between a deadly-yet-beautiful mermaid and a clergyman, a love that is full of potential but never really fleshed out. There´s not much I can say to keep it from making half the GDP of most countries by the end of the month but there´s nothing about it that merits the inevitable profits it´s going to scoop up.