April Squishy

April is a green, squishy month.

April is the month when it rained yesterday, and you look out in your front yard and it’s bright sunshine today, and everything is steaming. The earth is damp and steaming from the sunlight hitting it, the plants are steaming. The dog poop is steaming.

That’s April.

Since everything is mucky and slippery, what better time for the government to squeeze more money out of you so they can pay for programs that if you knew what they were really up to….you’d be horrified. More than you already are horrified now.

For example, they take your taxes that you unwillingly contribute (a perfect Democracy), and use these funds to build a super sun powered gigantic magnifying glass ray gun that will melt a hole through the center of Mars to see what’s inside…the center of Mars. If they find out there’s nothing but a bunch of worthless rocks inside Mars, they can publish an official report costing upwards of sixty five million dollars, the report titled, Hey! There’s Nothing Inside Mars Except a Bunch of Worthless Rocks.

That sixty five million dollars could have fixed the pothole in the road that takes a chunk of your tire every time you drive by, or the World War Two air conditioning system in your kid’s school. Your kid should practice sweating in heat anyway.

The other super top secret project they (scientists) are working on without your knowledge is to create a race of test tube bred clones who look just like Clint Eastwood, using some DNA from the “Make My Day Punk” star.

This is to rid the world of ugly guys like you and me.

Who said your tax money doesn’t go for good purpose? They (government) know what they’re doing. Right?

It’s no secret that April Fool’s Day (April 1) and taxes take place at about the same time. The irony of this couldn’t be more sublime. To celebrate April Fool’s Day, you find a fool, maybe your mother-in-law, and lie to her and then play a cruel and tasteless prank on her. For example, placing a dead mouse at the bottom of her soup. Or, sending her name and phone number to a sex blog for degenerates.

Then, when she bursts into tears, you happily scream, “Happy April Fools Day!” Isn’t that what fun is all about? In other words, you can do something to someone you don’t like and get away with it. Maybe.

April is also the time for Easter (April 8), the observance of the crucifixion of the Messiah, and his rising from the dead. We celebrate this important event by hiding chocolate eggs in the steaming grass supposedly left by a fictional bunny. It all makes perfect sense to me because of the historical linkage between a chocolate egg laying rabbit and Jesus of Nazareth.

I do get a little more religious during April than the rest of the year. For example, instead of watching the show, Gorgeous Naked Ladies of Wrestling, I’ll watch instead, gladiator movies with religious background themes. You know the kind of movies I’m talking about, the ones with plenty of sword action, portraying back in the old old days when they used to “slay” guys.

Copyright 2007 by SammonSays.com