Emotions and Emotion Coaching of Children
Keira Soleore
February 03, 2011
What Am I Feeling? by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Talaris Research Institute from the Parenting Press, Inc.
"Research has found that children raised by parents who value and guide emotions do better in many ways. These children form stronger friendships.
They do better in school. They handle their moods better; have fewer negative emotions, and bounce back from emotional events more quickly. They even get sick less often."
So begins the book What Am I Feeling?, a book about "emotion coaching" that is based on John Gottman's book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. The focus of the Talaris Research Institute is set on the idea that social and emotional development in children helps to create a solid foundation for lifelong learning. "The way we feel about our own emotions—how we value them and how we cope with them—helps to shape how we parent and nurture children.
First, identify your parenting style:
1. The Dismissing Style — Downplays negative emotions and encourages positive emotions. The child feels ignored or disregarded.
2. The Disapproving Style — Criticizes or punishes negative emotions.
The child learns that negative emotions are bad.
3. The Laissez-Faire Style — Allows child to feel all emotions without explaining what they are or how to handle them. The child feels unable to trust own judgment in coping.
4. The Emotion Coaching Style — Encourages child to express feelings and validates the emotions while teaching how to deal with them. The child feels valued and comforted and knows there are boundaries on behavior.
"Emotion Coaching is an approach to caring for children," writes Gottman, "that values their feelings while guiding their behaviors. This approach encourages health emotional development, so that children delight in the happy times and recover more quickly from the bad ones. Emotion Coaching takes effort and patience" and honesty on the part of parents and caregivers.
There are five important steps in learning how to implement Emotion
Coaching:
1. Emotional Awareness — Being cognizant of your child's range of emotions is the first step towards helping him learn about what he is feeling. Try to see the world from her point-of-view when she's struggling with her emotions.
2. Connecting — Emotions are an opportunity to connect with your child. Don't dismiss or avoid them. Encourage him to share what he's feeling. If appropriate, share what you felt in a similar situation.
3. Listening — Pay attention and take your child seriously when she's enunciating how she's feeling. Don't judge or criticize the emotion, but instead let him know that what he's experiencing is okay and understandable.
Try to isolate what the underlying need she has separate from the emotions she's feeling and what she's expressing.
4. Naming Emotions — Identify the emotions your child is feeling, instead of telling her what she should feel given the situation. Give him the words for those emotions so he has a label for each feeling for future reference.
5. Finding Good Solutions — Explain the difference between what he's feeling versus how he's expressing them. Involve your child is coming up with solutions to his issues. If she has a stake in the outcome, she's more likely to comply. Setting limits on behavior involves disciplining him for what he does, not for how he feels.
These are the main ideas outlined in the book. Gottman also provides some helpful tips to support parents and caregivers to implement: Be patient and honest, avoid criticism or mocking, identify what the child enjoys and doesn't enjoy, empower a child by giving choices and respecting their wishes.
Gottman writes, "Emotion Coaching builds trust and leads to closer relationships between children and those who care for them.a benefit that is priceless."
"Research has found that children raised by parents who value and guide emotions do better in many ways. These children form stronger friendships.
They do better in school. They handle their moods better; have fewer negative emotions, and bounce back from emotional events more quickly. They even get sick less often."
So begins the book What Am I Feeling?, a book about "emotion coaching" that is based on John Gottman's book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. The focus of the Talaris Research Institute is set on the idea that social and emotional development in children helps to create a solid foundation for lifelong learning. "The way we feel about our own emotions—how we value them and how we cope with them—helps to shape how we parent and nurture children.
First, identify your parenting style:
1. The Dismissing Style — Downplays negative emotions and encourages positive emotions. The child feels ignored or disregarded.
2. The Disapproving Style — Criticizes or punishes negative emotions.
The child learns that negative emotions are bad.
3. The Laissez-Faire Style — Allows child to feel all emotions without explaining what they are or how to handle them. The child feels unable to trust own judgment in coping.
4. The Emotion Coaching Style — Encourages child to express feelings and validates the emotions while teaching how to deal with them. The child feels valued and comforted and knows there are boundaries on behavior.
"Emotion Coaching is an approach to caring for children," writes Gottman, "that values their feelings while guiding their behaviors. This approach encourages health emotional development, so that children delight in the happy times and recover more quickly from the bad ones. Emotion Coaching takes effort and patience" and honesty on the part of parents and caregivers.
There are five important steps in learning how to implement Emotion
Coaching:
1. Emotional Awareness — Being cognizant of your child's range of emotions is the first step towards helping him learn about what he is feeling. Try to see the world from her point-of-view when she's struggling with her emotions.
2. Connecting — Emotions are an opportunity to connect with your child. Don't dismiss or avoid them. Encourage him to share what he's feeling. If appropriate, share what you felt in a similar situation.
3. Listening — Pay attention and take your child seriously when she's enunciating how she's feeling. Don't judge or criticize the emotion, but instead let him know that what he's experiencing is okay and understandable.
Try to isolate what the underlying need she has separate from the emotions she's feeling and what she's expressing.
4. Naming Emotions — Identify the emotions your child is feeling, instead of telling her what she should feel given the situation. Give him the words for those emotions so he has a label for each feeling for future reference.
5. Finding Good Solutions — Explain the difference between what he's feeling versus how he's expressing them. Involve your child is coming up with solutions to his issues. If she has a stake in the outcome, she's more likely to comply. Setting limits on behavior involves disciplining him for what he does, not for how he feels.
These are the main ideas outlined in the book. Gottman also provides some helpful tips to support parents and caregivers to implement: Be patient and honest, avoid criticism or mocking, identify what the child enjoys and doesn't enjoy, empower a child by giving choices and respecting their wishes.
Gottman writes, "Emotion Coaching builds trust and leads to closer relationships between children and those who care for them.a benefit that is priceless."
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