Eating Disorders- A Family's Story About Family Therapy, Loss, Anorexia And Bulimia
Darren Chow
January 25, 2011
Let me give you an example of a family dynamic that contributed to the development of an eating disorder in a particular adolescent. I worked with a family, years ago, where the dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
As the family rallied around him, there were no extended family members to help attend to the kids needs, while their mom attended to their dad's needs. Several things happened in this situation.
The kids not only lost their dad to a debilitating and progressively deteriorating illness that was ultimately fatal. They also lost their mom to an extent because she was doing all she could to take care of her husband.
Her kids understandably got less than in the past. Let's face it; they were all in survival mode.
The second thing that happened is the mother and oldest teenage daughter developed a special bond following dad's death. A couple years later mom met a man and remarried, and the oldest daughter felt abandoned and a deep sense of loss.
From her perspective, she lost her dad, her mom during her dad's illness, got her mom back after he died and now lost her again to another husband. Within a few months of her mother's remarriage, they were in my office because the daughter was losing weight, binging, and purging.
Let's look objectively at this. Is it the parent's fault their daughter developed an eating disorder? Of course not.
Were their things that occurred in the family that contributed to the
development of an eating disorder? You decide.
This family did the best they could to cope with a husband's and dad's devastating illness and the traumatic loss of him. They did not see the soil ripening for an eating disorder to develop and what family would? Besides, other families have similar traumatic experiences and their child doesn't develop an eating disorder.
The reality is most families are rolling along and then one day someone notices a behavior pattern that raises a red flag. Your child is going to the bathroom more often after meals; she's wearing loose fitting clothes, is more irritable at meal times, and is retreating from family and friends.
You may have noticed bits and pieces over time, but all of a sudden the pieces seem to be getting larger and a new image begins to develop in your mind. You wonder, "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"
And when the truth comes out, you wonder how you didn't see it and where you went wrong. I can't stress enough the balance between understanding what the family dynamics might be and working together to change them if necessary. It is no one's fault and there is no one to blame.
You are a family and when one of you hurts, you all hurt. Each family member contributes to the family dynamics and contributes to the changing of those dynamics. The important thing is to pull together and find the help and treatment that will work for your family.
Let's look at this family from one final angle. The fact that the daughter developed an eating disorder let her mom know there was something that needed their attention.
This family was able to experience a great amount of healing because the daughter's eating disorder called attention to her grief and loss; and theirs. It also brought healing to the mother and daughter relationship that had been unintentionally damaged when the mom remarried.
The family needed help too, they just didn't know it. It is possible to see an eating disorder as a chance for a family to heal and grow. It is not easy to keep this perspective, but it will help you through painful times if you can look for meaning and growth for everyone.
Do you want to learn more about eating disorders?
If so, download my free e-book "Eating Disorder Basics for Parents" here http://www.why-my-daughter.com/edb.html
Lynn Moore educates, coaches, and consults parents on how to help their adolescent with eating disorder behavior. She will guide you through the treacherous waters of deciding what kind of help you need. Also what you, the parents need to do and can do to help your child.
As the family rallied around him, there were no extended family members to help attend to the kids needs, while their mom attended to their dad's needs. Several things happened in this situation.
The kids not only lost their dad to a debilitating and progressively deteriorating illness that was ultimately fatal. They also lost their mom to an extent because she was doing all she could to take care of her husband.
Her kids understandably got less than in the past. Let's face it; they were all in survival mode.
The second thing that happened is the mother and oldest teenage daughter developed a special bond following dad's death. A couple years later mom met a man and remarried, and the oldest daughter felt abandoned and a deep sense of loss.
From her perspective, she lost her dad, her mom during her dad's illness, got her mom back after he died and now lost her again to another husband. Within a few months of her mother's remarriage, they were in my office because the daughter was losing weight, binging, and purging.
Let's look objectively at this. Is it the parent's fault their daughter developed an eating disorder? Of course not.
Were their things that occurred in the family that contributed to the
development of an eating disorder? You decide.
This family did the best they could to cope with a husband's and dad's devastating illness and the traumatic loss of him. They did not see the soil ripening for an eating disorder to develop and what family would? Besides, other families have similar traumatic experiences and their child doesn't develop an eating disorder.
The reality is most families are rolling along and then one day someone notices a behavior pattern that raises a red flag. Your child is going to the bathroom more often after meals; she's wearing loose fitting clothes, is more irritable at meal times, and is retreating from family and friends.
You may have noticed bits and pieces over time, but all of a sudden the pieces seem to be getting larger and a new image begins to develop in your mind. You wonder, "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"
And when the truth comes out, you wonder how you didn't see it and where you went wrong. I can't stress enough the balance between understanding what the family dynamics might be and working together to change them if necessary. It is no one's fault and there is no one to blame.
You are a family and when one of you hurts, you all hurt. Each family member contributes to the family dynamics and contributes to the changing of those dynamics. The important thing is to pull together and find the help and treatment that will work for your family.
Let's look at this family from one final angle. The fact that the daughter developed an eating disorder let her mom know there was something that needed their attention.
This family was able to experience a great amount of healing because the daughter's eating disorder called attention to her grief and loss; and theirs. It also brought healing to the mother and daughter relationship that had been unintentionally damaged when the mom remarried.
The family needed help too, they just didn't know it. It is possible to see an eating disorder as a chance for a family to heal and grow. It is not easy to keep this perspective, but it will help you through painful times if you can look for meaning and growth for everyone.
Do you want to learn more about eating disorders?
If so, download my free e-book "Eating Disorder Basics for Parents" here http://www.why-my-daughter.com/edb.html
Lynn Moore educates, coaches, and consults parents on how to help their adolescent with eating disorder behavior. She will guide you through the treacherous waters of deciding what kind of help you need. Also what you, the parents need to do and can do to help your child.
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