On Relationships
Jann Burner
February 15, 2007
When in a relationship we are involved in a tug-of-war. Someone else is holding the other end of our rope. Suddenly the other becomes the reason for our happiness, our unhappiness or our boredom. We now have an excuse. Suddenly our "illness" can be diagnosed and it has a name and so we call it Mary or Tom, or Bob or Jane. If only they would see things as we do, if only they would act as we would have them act, then we would be truly happy! It is a tug-of-war performed on a titter-totter. Up and down and back and forth.
When one person finally leaves, it is no longer a tug-of-war. Each perceives the other has dropped their end of the rope. So, soon, each person realizes he or she is sitting there with a big pile of rope in their lap and no one to pick up the other end. No one to care what we do, what we think, or don't thing.…or how we feel!
What we have is a distress pattern in the form of a pile of rope ( or maybe a pile of yarn). We've been sitting with this mass of tangled thought for a thousand years (maybe more) and from time to time we are able to seduce, cajole, convince or simply threaten another person into picking up the end of our rope and pulling on it. We secretly think (hope) that this will untangle it and give us the clarity that is our natural inheritance, that we had before we got all tangled up in patterns of thought. But what happens is when the other person pulls, our distress patterns become even more entangled and the knots even tighter, but at the same time we find this unsatisfactory, we also find it pleasing because we now have another being to place our imagined burden upon. Now we have an excuse as well as a name for our pain and we will eventually call it Mary or Tom or Bob and Jane. Someone cares! Whoopee! At least we aren't alone in our pain.
But then, again, at some point either we or the other simply lays down their end of the rope and walks away. Freak out time! Quick, which of the passing strangers can we get to pick up the end of our rope? Will it be the singles bar, self-help group or simply an Internet ad?
Instead of freak-out time, this can be a time of quiet joy and reflection for now we are with our problem on a one to one basis (as we have always been). Now one of the initial knots of confusion is already cleared. There is no other being to take the blame or accept the praise. There is just us, by ourself, with our pile of yarn, but the important thing is we now have both ends of the string in our hands and if we are patient and move slowly and reduce our moments of angst and panic, we will gradually manage to untangle our pile of personal distress and finally lay it aside, after all that is why we are here.
When one person finally leaves, it is no longer a tug-of-war. Each perceives the other has dropped their end of the rope. So, soon, each person realizes he or she is sitting there with a big pile of rope in their lap and no one to pick up the other end. No one to care what we do, what we think, or don't thing.…or how we feel!
What we have is a distress pattern in the form of a pile of rope ( or maybe a pile of yarn). We've been sitting with this mass of tangled thought for a thousand years (maybe more) and from time to time we are able to seduce, cajole, convince or simply threaten another person into picking up the end of our rope and pulling on it. We secretly think (hope) that this will untangle it and give us the clarity that is our natural inheritance, that we had before we got all tangled up in patterns of thought. But what happens is when the other person pulls, our distress patterns become even more entangled and the knots even tighter, but at the same time we find this unsatisfactory, we also find it pleasing because we now have another being to place our imagined burden upon. Now we have an excuse as well as a name for our pain and we will eventually call it Mary or Tom or Bob and Jane. Someone cares! Whoopee! At least we aren't alone in our pain.
But then, again, at some point either we or the other simply lays down their end of the rope and walks away. Freak out time! Quick, which of the passing strangers can we get to pick up the end of our rope? Will it be the singles bar, self-help group or simply an Internet ad?
Instead of freak-out time, this can be a time of quiet joy and reflection for now we are with our problem on a one to one basis (as we have always been). Now one of the initial knots of confusion is already cleared. There is no other being to take the blame or accept the praise. There is just us, by ourself, with our pile of yarn, but the important thing is we now have both ends of the string in our hands and if we are patient and move slowly and reduce our moments of angst and panic, we will gradually manage to untangle our pile of personal distress and finally lay it aside, after all that is why we are here.
Print
Email
