Strange February

February is a real strange month, because it’s sort of the beginning of the downside (ending) of winter, and it has two sort-of holidays, one on the way down (devalued), and of course, a non-holiday, Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day was named for the Roman emperor Valentinian, who gave his concubine consort girl friend a greeting card right before he had her head chopped off. Roman emperors were always hard to please.

I started celebrating Valentine‘s Day in school as a kid by taking a shoe box as instructed by my teacher and placing it on my desk. I guess I didn’t have the right attitude, because I would place a card in the other little girls’ shoe boxes, and they wouldn’t place any in mine. I had an empty box on my desk at the end of the day while the other kids had full ones. I would put my own left-over cards in my own box to save face.

This devastating portent of what I had to look forward to with women based on this childhood experience led to my current masochistic tendencies.

As one little angelic girl to whom I wanted to open my heart put it later, I didn’t get a card because I was ugly and stupid and had some goo hanging out of my nose.

Well. Nobody’s perfect.

I could never love a holiday in which we didn’t get the day off anyway. I mean, if it’s a holiday, why am I in school? A holiday that isn’t a real holiday except for some stupid card? What a gyp.

I also ask, since this is an insipid holiday for children, why am I expected to continue this ritual as an adult? I’m supposed to buy a card and give it to someone and ask, will you be my valentine? This is supposed to prove my undying love?

My wife knows I love her or I wouldn’t still be at home paying bills.

Most Valentine’s Day cards don’t say much inside, unlike other cards, for birthdays and such, that have long poems. They usually just say “Be My Valentine,” or something like, “You’re My Favorite Valentine.” They’re also cheaper to buy than birthday cards.

So you can see, the holiday which isn’t a real holiday, is celebrated by buying a card that isn’t a real card.

If you’re lucky, you also get some candy, those tiny little heart shaped colored pieces of sugar with little messages written on them like “love.” Candy that isn’t real candy. This holiday has got it all.

And finally, we have President’s Day, two white guys. Washington and Lincoln, who used to have their own separate holidays, but now have to both share a day.

This is apparently because they’re only half as great as they used to be. Washington, a slave owner, didn’t really chop down a cherry tree or throw a silver dollar across the Delaware. Lincoln didn’t really think African Americans were equals.

The lesson here is clear. All fame is fleeting. As time goes by and they (historians) dig up more dirt about you, you go down in esteem.

Alexander the Great is today only called Alexander the Barely Competent.

But I get more enthusiastic about President’s Day than I do about Valentine’s Day. I get President’s Day off from work. I can fire up the barbecue and shoot down a beer.

Abe and George. I love you guys.

Copyright 2007 Sammonsays.