A WOMAN'S SLEIGHT OF HANDYMAN -- THE MAGIC SEX

Of all things great and domestic and magical, these are the tried & true illusions naturally occurring when men and women live together, the unsung antics all of us know & practice, the sweetie-baby-cookie-honey household applications that distinguish us from the lower order of animals.

Dogs & cats wouldn’t be caught dead doing this stuff. Not to each other, anyway:

THE TOP FIVE MAGIC ACTS DONE BY WOMEN AT HOME

1. The Pantyhose Chicken Flamingo Dance.

The closest I come to actually performing this myself is with a pair of Kevlar chaps I always apply before chainsawing. The hilarious limb-lifting presentation makes for a centralized snugness, but the procedure spares me a lower extremity uni-dexterity that might ensue, should my grip slip.

The female nylon fashion version, however, has no such lifesaving motive, and it is often accomplished AFTER the performer’s skirt has been donned, thus giving an illusion akin to putting socks over one’s shoes in the midst of a pogo-stick endurance record.

Add movements that will complement a Chubby Checker and Ravel’s Bolero soundtrack combo, and you’ve got the picture.

2. The WonderBra Sleeve-Snatch.

An amazing feat, one I’ve witnessed countless times, and I’m still clueless on the natural and supernatural forces a woman must apply to accomplish it.

When I’ve seen a magician reach into the waistband of a hapless audience volunteer and whip out & off the stunned dupe’s jockey shorts, seemingly through his belt loops -- even that makes more sense to me.

But, watching a woman snap-slither a bra from under her blouse and out through the sleeve, and without herself dematerializing, just leaves me breathless.

For the first time anywhere, I’m admitting that I was once so driven by curiosity that I secretly tried to accomplish the WBSS with one of my housemate’s underwired wonders, and very nearly dislocated my shoulder.

Some things should remain a mystery. I really mean it. If hordes of well-intentioned female readers descended upon me, slingshotting brassieres in my general direction, bent on proving to me that the WBSS is not magic but mere womanipulation, I’d have to decline. I really don’t want to know how it’s done.

Really.

3. Thigh Master Dog Hypnosis.

Dogs understand cutting down a tree. They may not like the chainsaw din, but the end result, to them, is just their master’s version of fetch the (big) stick.

No dog, however, can tolerate watching its mistress caught in the grip of an invasive springy vise, planting herself into a grunting, reverse-fetal carpet squat, and repeatedly wishboning her legs into the air for no good apparent reason.

The flexing intruder must be attacked, she must be brought back to her senses, and the offending machine must be snagged and dragged outdoors past the tree line.

If said dog is not allowed to act on this impulse, he will be stupefied into a corner.

4. The Invisible Ink Floating Checkbook Balance.

Without ever making an entry into a checkbook ledger, a woman is able to keep the bounced check hounds at bay on a rotating basis. There does come a time, however, usually at year’s end, when the critical fiduciary mass spills over into an irreconcilable sum, and she simply abandons said account and begins anew at another bank.

Then, with the Hoosier cabinet’s flour bin stuffed full of canceled checks and unbalanced imbalance statements, she’ll credit everything into another debiting turnstile until said mass descends again next Christmas.

She’ll annually finagle this without ever facing culpability, much less prosecution.

I extend my sympathies right about here, to any male joint accountees.

5. The Sleight Of Handyman.

Don’t be fooled. Women can fix things around the house. Oh, sometimes semi-permanently, and often semi-permeably, but always just tough enough to tighten and tight enough to toughen.

It’s the same damnable anti-successes they have with checkbooks, and it drives men to premature grayness with what’s left, baldness with what isn’t, and Viagran iron pumping with what was.

They do have sense enough, however, to let their men pound and glue things into delusions of solid fixes, and when their men's mends break and their cemented seams crack, they're wise enough to at least feign surprise.

Privately, they harbor the wisdom of knowing the things could’ve been good-enoughed with a slip-knotted pair of pantyhose and/or a makeshift shim of discarded checkbooks.

THE TOP FIVE MAGIC ACTS DONE BY MEN AT HOME

(This list needs no qualifiers other than to name the tricks themselves. My male readers are humbled enough at this point.)

1. The Remote Control Beergut Vise.

2. The Standalone Skivvies.

3. The Reversed Vacuum Cleaner Hose Keyboard Dust & Leaf Blow.

4. The “Floating Ladder” Chimney Sweep Backdraft & Shingle Plunge.

5. The Duct Taped Blender Mummy.

Bonus Trick: I’m keeping that one in the bottom of my top hat.

Copyright 2007 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.