Enjoying Difficult and Obnoxious People
Genie Z. Laborde, Ph. D.
January 02, 2007
You may encounter these people at work, at home, and even at play. The way you win is to enjoy, not "suffer" them. The point is not to just survive the interaction, but to actually enjoy it.
1. CROSS OUT AND REPLACE
The first, and possibly most difficult, is to cross out judgment and replace it with CURIOSITY. If you can do this, you won't need the other 8 because this changes the dynamics in such a way that you can simply sit back and enjoy what transpires. When we judge others as "stupid","boring", "dull", "awful", they get a whiff of this judgment, and that contaminates the interaction no matter how polite our external mannerisms. Don't believe me. Try this for yourself. Being truly non-judgmental and curious about the other person allows the other to move freely. To express themselves. You may be surprised at what they display.
TAG Before we unfold the other 8 strategies, there is a series of three steps you might want to consider using before you try the other mind shifts. These three steps are called TAG. TAG will allow you time to select the appropriate behavior to change the other and for your own enjoyment.
T. Take a deep breath. When we are stressed, we cut off the oxygen and this makes us stupid. Our brains need oxygen to work smoothly.
A. Ask yourself "What response do I want from the other person?" The response could be a. respect b. admiration c. anger d. anxiety e. puzzlement f. slight irritation g. interest h. dis-interest i. boredom.
G. Go for it! Select from all the words in your vocabulary, the exact ones you believe will elicit the response you want. After TAG, you are ready for strategy 2.
2. TMM
"Tell me more". then listen with the idea that each person on the planet has had some experiences not shared by others. See if you can find one piece of extraordinary information from this person. Once you hear it, say "Ah-hah" and move on.
3. INTERRUPT with"That reminds me of a story."Then tell a story about anything that moves the energy in a more positive, up-beat direction.
4. Look up and find a pleasant memory from your past, place this person inside that memory picture.
Then, in your imagination, go up to the person, whisper something in his/her ear and return to the present. All will be different.
5. Do not say a word. As you listen, you can use this time to learn about what is going on inside your own body at this specific moment. Any tightness? Relax. Enjoy being you. There's no hurry to answer. Just check out your own internal climate. Notice, if all is not quiet inside, if you can change your thermostat to comfort and relaxation. You can be happy, upbeat, energized. Do it now.
6. Swirl your eyes around in the shape of a lazy 8. A figure 8 on its side. Do this a couple of times, and notice what happens.
7. Consider what kind of life experiences could have made this person behave in this manner. Play with different possible scenarios until you hit on one that seems plausible.
8. If nothing else works, give up. Say, "Excuse me. I have to -- (get a re-fill...get something to eat ... talk to that person for a moment)". You did not find a way to enjoy the other, but you did shorten your time in misery.
Remember to play TAG before you chose one of these strategies. Take a deep breath. Ask for your outcome. Go for it! Enjoy the holidays!
1. CROSS OUT AND REPLACE
The first, and possibly most difficult, is to cross out judgment and replace it with CURIOSITY. If you can do this, you won't need the other 8 because this changes the dynamics in such a way that you can simply sit back and enjoy what transpires. When we judge others as "stupid","boring", "dull", "awful", they get a whiff of this judgment, and that contaminates the interaction no matter how polite our external mannerisms. Don't believe me. Try this for yourself. Being truly non-judgmental and curious about the other person allows the other to move freely. To express themselves. You may be surprised at what they display.
TAG Before we unfold the other 8 strategies, there is a series of three steps you might want to consider using before you try the other mind shifts. These three steps are called TAG. TAG will allow you time to select the appropriate behavior to change the other and for your own enjoyment.
T. Take a deep breath. When we are stressed, we cut off the oxygen and this makes us stupid. Our brains need oxygen to work smoothly.
A. Ask yourself "What response do I want from the other person?" The response could be a. respect b. admiration c. anger d. anxiety e. puzzlement f. slight irritation g. interest h. dis-interest i. boredom.
G. Go for it! Select from all the words in your vocabulary, the exact ones you believe will elicit the response you want. After TAG, you are ready for strategy 2.
2. TMM
"Tell me more". then listen with the idea that each person on the planet has had some experiences not shared by others. See if you can find one piece of extraordinary information from this person. Once you hear it, say "Ah-hah" and move on.
3. INTERRUPT with"That reminds me of a story."Then tell a story about anything that moves the energy in a more positive, up-beat direction.
4. Look up and find a pleasant memory from your past, place this person inside that memory picture.
Then, in your imagination, go up to the person, whisper something in his/her ear and return to the present. All will be different.
5. Do not say a word. As you listen, you can use this time to learn about what is going on inside your own body at this specific moment. Any tightness? Relax. Enjoy being you. There's no hurry to answer. Just check out your own internal climate. Notice, if all is not quiet inside, if you can change your thermostat to comfort and relaxation. You can be happy, upbeat, energized. Do it now.
6. Swirl your eyes around in the shape of a lazy 8. A figure 8 on its side. Do this a couple of times, and notice what happens.
7. Consider what kind of life experiences could have made this person behave in this manner. Play with different possible scenarios until you hit on one that seems plausible.
8. If nothing else works, give up. Say, "Excuse me. I have to -- (get a re-fill...get something to eat ... talk to that person for a moment)". You did not find a way to enjoy the other, but you did shorten your time in misery.
Remember to play TAG before you chose one of these strategies. Take a deep breath. Ask for your outcome. Go for it! Enjoy the holidays!
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