You should take your time while compiling a list of totally unrealistic New Year's resolutions
Dan Brawner
January 02, 2007
It's January and the party is over. The Christmas tree is down, the confetti is swept into the trash. Now that we are, at least temporarily, incapable of anything sinful or strenuous, it is time to contemplate our future. New Year's resolutions are not only valuable for planning what you are going to do, but also for planning what you are not going to do. This year, I am following the wise example of president George Bush.
Ever since the Iraq Study Group respectfully suggested that his war strategy was an unprecedented disaster, Mr. Bush appears to be lost in thought. Generals, pundits, news anchors, pollsters, diplomats and professors of economics are all calling for the president to change course before his titanic war on terror hits the iceberg. But the commander-in-chief folds his arms like Sitting Bull and insists he will not be rushed. Such weighty matters, he instructs the impatient press corps, must be handled in a stately and deliberate manner. There is much to consider and much at stake.
Perhaps the president is using this time to rethink the run-up to the war on Iraq. Maybe while he had been making the decision with Donald Rumsfeld to go to war that day during lunch at Chuck E Cheese's, they might have had a more comprehensive methodology than Rock-Paper-Scissors.
So like our newly contemplative, Buddha-like president, I refuse to do anything hasty. I will carefully draw up a list of New Year's resolutions. And if I have any time left over, I may do some of them. First, I will not waste time looking for things. If I set down a tuna sandwich and a minute later, can't fine it. Fine. Who cares? Why should I look for it? What's the worst that could happen? If anybody asks about the smell, I could just say there is nothing to worry about and that I am consulting with a panel of experts on the matter and will announce my strategy shortly.
Next, I will stop worrying about money. Does president Bush lose sleep because he spends money we don't have? Never. Who needs to save money, when you can get all you could ever dream of by borrowing it?
I resolve to stop devising new ways of conserving energy. Wasting energy is good for the economy. And if I ever run out of fuel, there are a lot of trees in the city park.
I will go into the apple business this year. It's true I have only one apple tree. But taking a clue from No Child Left Behind, I will weigh each basket a hundred times and soon I'll have apples by the truckload!
After looking over my list of New Year's resolutions, it would seem I am going to be filthy rich and have a lot more leisure time. The future looks so bright when you live in a bubble!
Ever since the Iraq Study Group respectfully suggested that his war strategy was an unprecedented disaster, Mr. Bush appears to be lost in thought. Generals, pundits, news anchors, pollsters, diplomats and professors of economics are all calling for the president to change course before his titanic war on terror hits the iceberg. But the commander-in-chief folds his arms like Sitting Bull and insists he will not be rushed. Such weighty matters, he instructs the impatient press corps, must be handled in a stately and deliberate manner. There is much to consider and much at stake.
Perhaps the president is using this time to rethink the run-up to the war on Iraq. Maybe while he had been making the decision with Donald Rumsfeld to go to war that day during lunch at Chuck E Cheese's, they might have had a more comprehensive methodology than Rock-Paper-Scissors.
So like our newly contemplative, Buddha-like president, I refuse to do anything hasty. I will carefully draw up a list of New Year's resolutions. And if I have any time left over, I may do some of them. First, I will not waste time looking for things. If I set down a tuna sandwich and a minute later, can't fine it. Fine. Who cares? Why should I look for it? What's the worst that could happen? If anybody asks about the smell, I could just say there is nothing to worry about and that I am consulting with a panel of experts on the matter and will announce my strategy shortly.
Next, I will stop worrying about money. Does president Bush lose sleep because he spends money we don't have? Never. Who needs to save money, when you can get all you could ever dream of by borrowing it?
I resolve to stop devising new ways of conserving energy. Wasting energy is good for the economy. And if I ever run out of fuel, there are a lot of trees in the city park.
I will go into the apple business this year. It's true I have only one apple tree. But taking a clue from No Child Left Behind, I will weigh each basket a hundred times and soon I'll have apples by the truckload!
After looking over my list of New Year's resolutions, it would seem I am going to be filthy rich and have a lot more leisure time. The future looks so bright when you live in a bubble!
Print
Email
