BOWLING FOR NINTENDO -- WHERE DO Wii THINK WE'RE GOING?

The world is making my job easier every day.

I no sooner sit down at this workstation, bent on finding and chasing the muse through a suitable topic, when my wonder about where I'll find it vanishes before a second sip of my beloved Maxwell House, with headlines like this:

"NINTENDO CAUTIONS GAMERS ON Wii SAFETY"

My first thought? The Second Coming -- because it must be right around the corner when this is our primary caption of concern on a planet that we can't decide whether to blow up or liquefy.

(To be honest, my FIRST thought was wondering when and why I started calling this a workstation and stopped calling it a desk, but I won't trouble you with my modern problems.)

I must now assume that you know who Nintendo is, what constitutes a "gamer," and the definition of a "Wii" (pronounced: "Weee!"). If you're unaware of any or all these terms, I can only assume you're just now emerging from a vanishing glacier.

But, you know that we operate here on the lowest common denominator, so first a thumbnail sketch of humanity:

Once upon a time along rolled the Hula Hoop, and children played in real virtuality. This worked fine, and the children grew into robust adults armed with the hip-swiveling skills needed to make more generations.

Then, some guy named Nintendo invented the Slinky, and children delighted in watching their toys play FOR them. But, boredom quickly set in, and the children all turned into rocks, along with their pets. Parents could not help, because they'd already become fenceposts.

Somewhere in there, all the dinosaurs died. The End.

Now we come to the virtual reality of play. As Nintendo releases its Wii gaming console upon the land, it has also published its Health & Safety Precautions. Some "unexpected events" in the lives and properties of Wii consumers are surfacing, and Nintendo now has to qualify how the thing should be used.

Case in point: One Wii user, so caught up in the "motion-sensing" capabilities of its remote controller when playing a bowling game, (otherwise known as "bowling") let fly of the thing, much like one does with a virtual grip on a real bowling ball.

The result was twofold:

1. Confirmation that this young user's cognitive prowess was one stairwell short of a Slinky (not his fault. He was caught somewhere between a rock and a fencepost).

2. One smashed TV screen.

Nintendo has now devoted a mass of customer e-mails and a page on its website to cautionary tales. As I said at the beginning, this is what makes a humor columnist's job a breeze.

The Wii-maker warns that parental fenceposts should halt the game play of their offspring pebbles and consult a doctor immediately, should they observe any of the following: "convulsions, altered vision, eye or muscle twitching, involuntary movements, loss of awareness or disorientation."

I suggest that if this is something the guardians of this generation need telling, then our new Stone Age gamers are already lava food. It also questions how -- because Nintendo recommends that grown-ups play this game with their young people -- a bunch of blind, spasming, confused humans will get each other to a clinic.

Nintendo also says that if you or your fledgling Wii-er become "nauseated or dizzy" as a result of play, (or, as in the above case, while in the grip of thinking that you're REALLY BOWLING) to then stop and "not drive or engage in demanding activities until you feel better."

Are there really people out there who need to be told this?

"Honey, I feel like throwing up. Howzabout we grab the sick kids, take Pothole Road and drive the Hummer over to Impassable Canyon for a little family free-climbing?"

You should also "not operate the console or remote within nine inches of a pacemaker." Virtual bowlers please adjust your approach, and always hold the thing at arm's length. Then, do NOT, as I swear they tell you, "let go of the remote itself."

This is how far we've evolved as a species, dear dedicated readers. We've long been hurling remote controls at televisions, (usually during football games and Congressional hearings) but this is the first time anyone has done this believing it would actually score a touchdown or voir dire a material witness.

The hazards and warnings go on: leaky batteries, flyaway wrist straps, injuries to bystanders, images burned into your TV sets, damage if you stand closer than three feet to your television -- we're even warned about being struck by lightning. The latter may prove the first time anyone's ever been electrocuted just before bowling a remote control into a two-dimensional 7-10 split.

Lastly, we're advised that the gaming console "may be damaged if knocked over."

Must be something like what happens when a rock rolls into a fencepost.

Copyright 2006 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.