IF YOUTUBE ON MYSPACE, YOU'LL FIND THEIR INTERNET

I'm warning you in advance: you may not be ready for some of the following. I've spent a day researching this, and I'm now convinced, more than ever, that for all the beauty and grandeur found in the human animal, we are also the strangest & silliest creatures on the planet.

This column is dedicated to that person in the world who I today found posing this question on an internet search engine: "Where was I now that I'm here?"

I take that as either a philosophical profundity worthy of a Descartes think tank, or the first question asked by the only barroom patron ejected at last call, when he discovers he's missing his car AND his pants. Poto, ergo sum, dude.

It's possible, if you know where to look on the internet, to sit and watch a real time ticker of what people are trying to find out about themselves and their roles in the world. After spending the better part of a day reviewing this crazy warehouse of cyber-wise why's and why-nots, I've selected ten favorites.

I've not changed a word of these queries, and I followed the links to their answers. These are the questions we're asking out there, dear dedicated readers, taken verbatim from the search terms posed. Last warning: leave now, or forever risk wondering why you ever wondered....

10. "How far back does marijuana show up on oral drug tests?"

No doubt this was a career-conscious college student majoring in biochemistry, researching immunoassay principles and trace detoxification applications. I found that there are, in fact, makers of saliva cleansing kits guaranteeing a 99.95 percent success rate, which allow the user to "go to that drug test feeling confident!" Cost: $49.95.

I'm encouraged that our young people are arming themselves with such scientific exactitude in their postsecondary pursuits. But, my next search engine question would be: "If I find myself in the remaining .05 percent, will I get a refund? I'll need it because I'll be unemployed."

09. "Where can I talk to a robot?"

Apparently this person has never made a phone call to any public utility, credit card company or customer service department.

I'm more concerned, however, that they find themselves WANTING this service. Somewhere, there is a spouse at the end of his/her marital tether. A moment of silence, please.

08. "Where can I buy a: 'I Would Set Myself On Fire For You' t-shirt?"

Yes, and though I'm reluctant to admit it, there IS some industrious marketing webberhead out there selling this item. We can only hope that the plea did not come from the same cyber-searcher in question number 09.

07. "How do I get free poems and roses for the asking?"

I'm beginning to think I've stumbled on a search thread from the same desperate individual.

06. "Where can I find dancing banana emoticons?"

Now I'm sure of it.

05. "Where can I learn German fast?

We may not want to know why this is an issue with this questioner, but there are several websites touting swift Teutonic savvy. My favorite would have this eager Deutschlander wannabe: "speaking fluent German easily and naturally in less than 8 weeks!"

I hope this searcher is cautious, however. JFK may have gotten away with telling the world that he was a jelly doughnut (Ich bin ein Berliner!) but if this guy blurts that out, he may find himself needing to get out of Germany fast, especially if he announces it wearing a self-immolating t-shirt.

04. "Like, how does a tree make carbon dioxide?"

Like, I think we're back to the .05 percentile of those who failed the marijuana saliva test.

03. "Which bicycle gets the best mileage?"

I'll going out on an oxygenated limb here and guessing that it's the one with a seat, foot pedals, wheels, and a manual transmission.

I confess that I didn't try to otherwise find an answer to this, because there may just be one, and I couldn't stand it.

02. "Can I wear sunscreen under eye makeup?

Questions like that, in my opinion, leave no doubt that Armageddon is upon us.

01. "Where was I now that I'm here?"

I need this person to write to me. Your question is based upon a time-honored country witticism, and left unanswered, may leave you in peril.

You can't get here from there, so you couldn't have been there in the first place. If you were there, then you're NOT really here, and you must have left from somewhere else.

Good luck on the return trip.

And, if You Tube on My Space as part of your daily search for Truth, click here and discover why your host switched to an Apple cell phone.

You might just find me where you're going.

Copyright 2006 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.