Obscure Holidays You Never Needed to Know About
S. W. Vaughn
December 10, 2004
Last night, moments before bedtime, my sister informed me that it was National Give a Homemade Gift Day. Not wanting to miss out on the spirit of the holiday, I promptly grabbed a sheet of paper from my printer, crumpled it into a loose ball and presented it to her, saying, "Happy National Homemade Gift Day. This is an origami rock, just for you."
She was delighted--or possibly disturbed, though she did a good job at hiding it.
This got me thinking about holidays in general, and wondering if there were other occasions for celebration that I was missing out on. So I did a bit of digging and discovered several fascinating national holidays that everyone should observe, which I will now present here:
December is...
National Stress-free Family Holidays Month: Duh! Who would have ever thought December might be stressful? But, there you have it.
Bingo's Birthday Month: Not sure whether we're talking the delightful game characterized by crazies with fifty sheets of paper taped together, frantically daubing ink in the hopes of being able to shout out a nonsense word and win money, or the farmer's dog, but...happy birthday, Bingo!
It's About Time Week (Dec. 25-31): For what?
Hypnotize Yourself Out of Pain Now Day (Dec. 1): The day when people across the country stand in front of their mirrors swinging pocket watches on chains and repeat aloud in soothing voices: This broken arm does not hurt. This broken arm does not hurt...
Cliché Day (Dec. 13): This holiday goes out on a limb with more fun than a barrel of monkeys. But don't count your chickens before they're hatched on this day, because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
National Whiner's Day (Dec. 26): Feel free to complain that you didn't get that new Playstation 2 game or the diamond necklace you wanted.
January is...
National Radon Action Month: Lead a protest against your favorite mutant-powered superhero this month.
Walk Your Pet Month: Oh, yes. Because we all want to celebrate walking our pets through three feet of snow.
Someday We'll Laugh About This Week (Jan. 3-7): The week to get all of those embarrassing blunders you're sure to make this year out of the way.
Cuckoo Dancing Week (11-17): Swing your partner round and round; smash it in the face and throw it on the ground...
I'm Not Going to Take it Any More Day (7): Blast Quiet Riot, tell your boss exactly what he can do with your job, stick a pencil up the nose of your "curious" neighbor...liberate yourself today!
Appreciate a Dragon Day (16): First, you have to find one. Then you can go about appreciating it...preferably from a distance.
Rid the World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day (18): Shouldn't this be every day?
February is...
National Get to Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month: Go through the yellow pages and pick a real estate agent...any real estate agent. Then call him or her up and say, "Hello, and happy National Get to Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month! I'd like to get to know you by asking a personal question: is your refrigerator running?"
National Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month: My personal favorite; simply because I enjoy running around parking lots in sub-zero temperatures, cheerily reminding people of their civic duty to trudge back through the slush and put their carts in those little slots where they belong.
Solo Diners Eat Out Weekend (1-2): Sponsored by the Bar & Grill Association of America.
Jell-O Week (13-19): Oh, the possibilities...
Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbors Day (7): Make sure you gesture to every last one of them.
Get a Different Name Day (13): The day everyone checks out "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", and then assigns themselves names like Goober Liverchunks, Booger Gigglebutt, and Cheeseball Wafflefanny.
Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day (Feb. 20): Um...okay...
For the Love of Mike Day (22) and For Pete's Sake Day (26): All right! Does everybody get a day like these? When is "For the Sake of Sonya Day?"
These are but a few of the many, many holidays you can celebrate, just because someone else needed to take a day off from work. Want to create your own national holiday? Pick up a copy of Chase's Calendar of Events. There's an application form in the back of the book to have your special day commemorated forever in print.
I'm proclaiming tomorrow National Avoid the Holiday Shopping Rush by Lying Around in Bed in Your Pajamas Eating Chocolate and Potato Chips Day. Won't you join me in my jubilation?
She was delighted--or possibly disturbed, though she did a good job at hiding it.
This got me thinking about holidays in general, and wondering if there were other occasions for celebration that I was missing out on. So I did a bit of digging and discovered several fascinating national holidays that everyone should observe, which I will now present here:
December is...
National Stress-free Family Holidays Month: Duh! Who would have ever thought December might be stressful? But, there you have it.
Bingo's Birthday Month: Not sure whether we're talking the delightful game characterized by crazies with fifty sheets of paper taped together, frantically daubing ink in the hopes of being able to shout out a nonsense word and win money, or the farmer's dog, but...happy birthday, Bingo!
It's About Time Week (Dec. 25-31): For what?
Hypnotize Yourself Out of Pain Now Day (Dec. 1): The day when people across the country stand in front of their mirrors swinging pocket watches on chains and repeat aloud in soothing voices: This broken arm does not hurt. This broken arm does not hurt...
Cliché Day (Dec. 13): This holiday goes out on a limb with more fun than a barrel of monkeys. But don't count your chickens before they're hatched on this day, because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
National Whiner's Day (Dec. 26): Feel free to complain that you didn't get that new Playstation 2 game or the diamond necklace you wanted.
January is...
National Radon Action Month: Lead a protest against your favorite mutant-powered superhero this month.
Walk Your Pet Month: Oh, yes. Because we all want to celebrate walking our pets through three feet of snow.
Someday We'll Laugh About This Week (Jan. 3-7): The week to get all of those embarrassing blunders you're sure to make this year out of the way.
Cuckoo Dancing Week (11-17): Swing your partner round and round; smash it in the face and throw it on the ground...
I'm Not Going to Take it Any More Day (7): Blast Quiet Riot, tell your boss exactly what he can do with your job, stick a pencil up the nose of your "curious" neighbor...liberate yourself today!
Appreciate a Dragon Day (16): First, you have to find one. Then you can go about appreciating it...preferably from a distance.
Rid the World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day (18): Shouldn't this be every day?
February is...
National Get to Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month: Go through the yellow pages and pick a real estate agent...any real estate agent. Then call him or her up and say, "Hello, and happy National Get to Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month! I'd like to get to know you by asking a personal question: is your refrigerator running?"
National Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month: My personal favorite; simply because I enjoy running around parking lots in sub-zero temperatures, cheerily reminding people of their civic duty to trudge back through the slush and put their carts in those little slots where they belong.
Solo Diners Eat Out Weekend (1-2): Sponsored by the Bar & Grill Association of America.
Jell-O Week (13-19): Oh, the possibilities...
Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbors Day (7): Make sure you gesture to every last one of them.
Get a Different Name Day (13): The day everyone checks out "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", and then assigns themselves names like Goober Liverchunks, Booger Gigglebutt, and Cheeseball Wafflefanny.
Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day (Feb. 20): Um...okay...
For the Love of Mike Day (22) and For Pete's Sake Day (26): All right! Does everybody get a day like these? When is "For the Sake of Sonya Day?"
These are but a few of the many, many holidays you can celebrate, just because someone else needed to take a day off from work. Want to create your own national holiday? Pick up a copy of Chase's Calendar of Events. There's an application form in the back of the book to have your special day commemorated forever in print.
I'm proclaiming tomorrow National Avoid the Holiday Shopping Rush by Lying Around in Bed in Your Pajamas Eating Chocolate and Potato Chips Day. Won't you join me in my jubilation?
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