The Name Game

I thought I was a little confused when I found out "gender reassignment” was a sex change operation instead of an editor sending a man to cover an afternoon tea social. Now it turns out the Global War on Terror has actually been the ”Global Struggle Against Extremism™”. While I can’t prove it, I have a sneaking suspicion the same “geniuses” who suggested “New Coke” or the marketing gurus behind changing the name of Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC were probably involved with the new official name of the war . . . uh, I mean struggle. Let’s take a look at how Dictionary.com defines the word "struggle".

v. intr.

1. To exert muscular energy, as against a material force or mass: struggled with the heavy load.

2. To be strenuously engaged with a problem, task, or undertaking: struggled with his math homework.

3. To make a strenuous effort; strive: struggled to be polite.

4. To contend or compete: “Right and wrong... will ever continue to struggle” (Abraham Lincoln).

5. To progress with difficulty: struggled through the novel.

v. tr.

1. To move or place (something) with an effort: struggled the heavy desk into the elevator.

n.

1. The act of struggling.

2. Strenuous effort; striving.

3. Combat; strife: armed struggle.

After looking through all the definitions, I’ve come to the conclusion (at least in this instance) struggle is not a verb, so let’s move on to the nouns.

The act of struggling. I suppose we are in the process of struggling, but are we really struggling against extremism? I’m actually having a harder struggle growing my tomatoes in this wretched heat wave. But I suppose I’ll have to give this up to someone, our local parks are having a constant struggle keeping extreme skateboarders out of the park.

Strenuous effort; striving. I’m not so sure we should compare what our soldiers are doing in Iraq to Laurel and Hardy pushing a piano up a flight of stairs, but I still don’t understand how Bush’s brain works (either his real brain or Rove).

Combat; strife; armed struggle. Wow, this sounds like the same definition one might get if they looked up the word "war”.

So we can assume we are in a war against terrorism. I guess it’s all just semantics.

Allow me now to proffer a few more suggestions in the event Bush or the Pentagon needs a new catch phrase for their war . . . uh . . . struggle.

• Planetary Bloodshed Diametrically Opposed to Brutality



• Blanket Hostility Impeding Unreasonableness



• Extensive Endeavor Excoriating Extreme Entanglement (I love alliteration)



• International Conflict to Fend Off those Nasty Guys with Bombs and Backpacks

Hey, what do you expect, I’m the same guy who once told a teacher Splotch Twosome wrote “Tom Sawyer”.

I’m not sure how much more inane this “struggle” can get, but I have a feeling if costs keep going up in Iraq, we may someday see Corporate sponsorship. I can’t wait for “Halliburton’s Battle for Babylon™”