Reporting From Ground Zero

I am writing to you from Anchorage, Alaska, quite possibly the only place in the United States that might be in danger should North Korea decide to unleash nuclear terror upon America. Although analysts disagree whether or not a nuclear test was actually successful yesterday, it is generally agreed that Pyongyang’s latest threat – to launch a nuclear-tipped missile should the United States not agree to bilateral talks – is meaningless. Basically the only way North Korea can deliver a missile to the US is by using a slingshot. Anchorage is unfortunately just within slingshot range.


Tensions here in Alaska are high, but not strained to the breaking point. Preparations are under way for the end of the world in a very calm, matter-of-fact way. Yesterday I purchased three cans of baked beans (for sustenance) and a bottle of Evian. Those items are now stored in my pantry, should they become necessary for survival. I also bought three 1950’s-era school desks for my and my family to crouch under in the event of a nuclear explosion in the immediate vicinity. I have read that those things are damn near indestructible, and also protect against radiation poisoning, flash burns and halitosis.


I am hoping I will not have to kill any radiation-created zombies anytime soon, since it would definitely interfere with my spice gardening. My basil looks very promising this year. I have investigated different ways to survive a zombie attack, but I might need to spend some time with my copy of Resident Evil to brush up on some helpful tips.


I am afraid that should nuclear devastation occur, updating my blog and adding articles will be very difficult, if not impossible. Rest assured, however, that I shall do my damnedest to keep you updated as to the state of things.


And if I have to eat my next-door neighbor’s poodle, somebody is gonna get sued.