Why Fingernails?

Okay, you’ve got these little pieces of wood on the ends of your fingers and toes called fingernails and toenails.

Why?

They’re not wood exactly, but a substance called “keratin,” a kind of solid protein just like the horn on a cow, or the tusk of a hog. This was your failed attempt to be a cow. Maybe, if reincarnation is true, you’ll come back more successfully.

I want to come back as a muscle bound bunny. Lots of sex action.

Back to nails.

What did God have in mind? When he was putting us together, what was going through his head? “Let’s see. I’ve got this nifty little part I think I’ll place here on the ends of these (fingers and toes), only, uh, gosh darn….I can’t think of any reason for ‘em. And I don’t have a lot of time (seven days). I’ve really got to move on. I’ve got to design the reproductive organ. Oh well, nobody’s perfect. I’ll just leave ‘em the way they are.”

Just what you always needed and wanted. Something that traps dirt underneath that has to be pried out with a blade.

Somewhere, back in the mists of time, fingernails had to have served some purpose, just like the oversized molars on a saber toothed cat. In the dank stench of a Cro-Magnon cave, you may have needed them, the longer the better, to literally rip out the eyes of the crap-smelling, sweating, hairy, balls of feces-hanging, ape-like goon who shared your cave….in an ownership dispute over a piece of poisonous, rancid, dripping, oozing red meat recently ripped from the rotted anal region of a mastodon.

Since then, what gives?

Women, in their infinitesimal wisdom, decided to put nails to some use, and paint them, satisfying a basic human urge, a little message in the back of your mind that tells you if it doesn’t move, and serves no purpose at all (like the backyard fence)…..paint it.

Paint it red.

Women paint their nails red mostly. Sometimes they go to shops and have other women paint their nails red. Women paint no other parts of their body, except the lips, and maybe fake eyebrows. No other parts do they paint. Not the inside of the nostrils, or the rounded peaches on the butt.

Okay. I can see you have nails because they’re painted red. What does this do for me?

I’ll bet this is a thought you haven’t had recently. Can you recall the woman who had the longest nails that you ever had sex with? And did she use them in any way? (this question can also apply to women who are gay).

There seems to be a gender thing with nails. Women, as a general rule, have longer nails than men. Is this because they need one more potential weapon in their arsenal? We’ve all heard the saying, “I’ll scratch your eyes out.”

This is how women got the unfortunate comparison with cats. Thus, when two women fight, it’s a “cat fight.”

For centuries men used the cat comparison to portray women as evil, crafty, treacherous, witch-like. It was a good excuse to hold women back, and to sometimes burn them at the stake.

I will admit there is a certain attractiveness to having a sex partner who can flay and rake you with her nails during the act of lovemaking, realizing that a little SM spice is what most all of us crave.

You can also wear these badges (scars on your neck) of lovemaking prowess into the office on Monday, the hint being that the more she tore you up, the better a lover you were (shares the same honors with the timeless hickey).

But mostly, we clip our nails when they get too long, and simply ignore them. I think, like tonsils, nails are a reminder, a sort of symbol, that part of our existence is the unexplainable, and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

Copyright 2006 by SammonSays.com