COMMITTEMENT
Joseph Danladi Elvis Bot
September 05, 2006
There are two different definitions of "commitment". One definition is being sent to an institution. The other deals with making and keeping pledges or promises to another person.
Some couples have troubles with commitment because they confuse the two definitions. They are afraid that commitment in a relationship means getting into an institution with too much structure, control and barriers to their freedom to be themselves.
They are wrong. A commitment is a freeing and growing experience. When two people make a commitment to each other to grow, learn about life and love together, they are creating a positive place to be. I believe that a commitment is an act of trust, both of yourself and of your partner.
Some couples choose to commit themselves to each other for life, through a marriage ceremony, either religious or civil.
Some couples haven't reached that stage of formal public commitment decision. They may not know if or when they will reach it.
If a relationship is to have a chance, people must make their own commitments between themselves about their goals and expectations, as individuals, and as partners or lovers.
Commitment requires you to explore, develop and nurture a co-created boundary around a relationship. You have to work together at it. You each need personal autonomy within that relationship, but you also need to recognize, honor and respect those agreed-upon and shared boundaries as well.
Boundaries aren't static. They may need to change over time. This requires both of you to acknowledge and continually review what you expect of each other as the relationship grows. For example a woman who initially wanted and agreed to be a stay-at-home mom, may a few years later, find that her needs have changed. That means revisiting the earlier agreed-upon commitment.
You can't demand boundaries in advance, or impose them on your partner, since you don't have the right to be charge of the other person. You have to negotiate them. People who try to impose on their partner tend to have short-lived relationships. People want to be loved and cared for, not controlled or ordered.
Besides agreeing to work on issues that you are important to both of you, it is important to recognize your differences, and make a commitment to respect these differences.
You are both human. It is possible one or both of you may step outside those boundaries of what is seen as acceptable at some time. This doesn't mean the relationship is automatically over, unless one of you makes that decision on your own.
You need to learn about and practice forgiveness, when your partner makes mistakes, is unfair or even hurtful. We all make mistakes. If we expect our partner to tolerate and accept our mistakes, we must also forgive our partner's mistakes.
This means both of you have to work actively at forgiving the behavior of the other, and forgiving yourself as well, for your own mistakes. That is a tough part of a commitment, for when you feel hurt, it is not that easy to forgive. But if you can succeed at this, the relationship can probably continue. If you can't, despite your genuine efforts at it, than it is best to let go with love.
This can even apply if a serious mistake, like sexual infidelity occurs. But in that case a person must accept that they made a mistake in their actions, realize the hurt that it caused their partner, develop ways to avoid it in the future, and allow time for healing.
If hurts continue and turn into abuse and violence, the relationship becomes unsafe. At that point, taking care of one's personal safety and well-being must come ahead of any commitments made to your partner.
What you must know is that, commitment to your mate is not your marriage license, your wedding ceremony, nor your living arrangements. When you commit, you are in fact agreeing to the following:
"After serious consideration and with full responsibility and integrity, I am agreeing to share my life with my partner; to assist in his/her personal growth development and happiness wherever and whenever I can. I also agree to cherish and protect this union with my partner so it can forever flourish and always remains a happy one. I am agreeing to this because I want to, and for no other reason."
When you look at marriage in this way, it becomes easier to see why a marriage commitment does not end with a ceremony. Instead, it becomes a commitment for two people to strive toward, on a day-to-day basis. The commitment is to ensure the continued growth of each other and the relationship.
The problem is that, too many people see marriage as a point of arrival instead of the beginning of a long journey.
Too many people tend to support the belief that after they have taken the necessary steps to secure a marriage commitment, they can relax in the comfort that their work is done. This kind of thinking can cause complacency, which is one of the killers of love relationships. I am reminded of an old saying: "The same things you did to win your partner are the same things you should do to keep him/her."
Yes, there are good reasons to celebrate when two people decide to commit to each other in a loving relationship, but remember that this is only the beginning. Celebrate that you have been blessed with the good fortune to find a mate who has met your standards for eligibility, and that you have both fallen in love with each other.
You must also realize that an offer of a commitment is a demonstration of the highest regard and a great compliment of love. When your partner offers marriage or another form of formal commitment to you for the right reasons, he/she is saying you have been placed as the highest priority in his/her life. Treasure this commitment and use your relationship as a launching ground. This launching ground marks the beginning of a new journey, which can take you to new places in life you've only dreamed about.
Some couples have troubles with commitment because they confuse the two definitions. They are afraid that commitment in a relationship means getting into an institution with too much structure, control and barriers to their freedom to be themselves.
They are wrong. A commitment is a freeing and growing experience. When two people make a commitment to each other to grow, learn about life and love together, they are creating a positive place to be. I believe that a commitment is an act of trust, both of yourself and of your partner.
Some couples choose to commit themselves to each other for life, through a marriage ceremony, either religious or civil.
Some couples haven't reached that stage of formal public commitment decision. They may not know if or when they will reach it.
If a relationship is to have a chance, people must make their own commitments between themselves about their goals and expectations, as individuals, and as partners or lovers.
Commitment requires you to explore, develop and nurture a co-created boundary around a relationship. You have to work together at it. You each need personal autonomy within that relationship, but you also need to recognize, honor and respect those agreed-upon and shared boundaries as well.
Boundaries aren't static. They may need to change over time. This requires both of you to acknowledge and continually review what you expect of each other as the relationship grows. For example a woman who initially wanted and agreed to be a stay-at-home mom, may a few years later, find that her needs have changed. That means revisiting the earlier agreed-upon commitment.
You can't demand boundaries in advance, or impose them on your partner, since you don't have the right to be charge of the other person. You have to negotiate them. People who try to impose on their partner tend to have short-lived relationships. People want to be loved and cared for, not controlled or ordered.
Besides agreeing to work on issues that you are important to both of you, it is important to recognize your differences, and make a commitment to respect these differences.
You are both human. It is possible one or both of you may step outside those boundaries of what is seen as acceptable at some time. This doesn't mean the relationship is automatically over, unless one of you makes that decision on your own.
You need to learn about and practice forgiveness, when your partner makes mistakes, is unfair or even hurtful. We all make mistakes. If we expect our partner to tolerate and accept our mistakes, we must also forgive our partner's mistakes.
This means both of you have to work actively at forgiving the behavior of the other, and forgiving yourself as well, for your own mistakes. That is a tough part of a commitment, for when you feel hurt, it is not that easy to forgive. But if you can succeed at this, the relationship can probably continue. If you can't, despite your genuine efforts at it, than it is best to let go with love.
This can even apply if a serious mistake, like sexual infidelity occurs. But in that case a person must accept that they made a mistake in their actions, realize the hurt that it caused their partner, develop ways to avoid it in the future, and allow time for healing.
If hurts continue and turn into abuse and violence, the relationship becomes unsafe. At that point, taking care of one's personal safety and well-being must come ahead of any commitments made to your partner.
What you must know is that, commitment to your mate is not your marriage license, your wedding ceremony, nor your living arrangements. When you commit, you are in fact agreeing to the following:
"After serious consideration and with full responsibility and integrity, I am agreeing to share my life with my partner; to assist in his/her personal growth development and happiness wherever and whenever I can. I also agree to cherish and protect this union with my partner so it can forever flourish and always remains a happy one. I am agreeing to this because I want to, and for no other reason."
When you look at marriage in this way, it becomes easier to see why a marriage commitment does not end with a ceremony. Instead, it becomes a commitment for two people to strive toward, on a day-to-day basis. The commitment is to ensure the continued growth of each other and the relationship.
The problem is that, too many people see marriage as a point of arrival instead of the beginning of a long journey.
Too many people tend to support the belief that after they have taken the necessary steps to secure a marriage commitment, they can relax in the comfort that their work is done. This kind of thinking can cause complacency, which is one of the killers of love relationships. I am reminded of an old saying: "The same things you did to win your partner are the same things you should do to keep him/her."
Yes, there are good reasons to celebrate when two people decide to commit to each other in a loving relationship, but remember that this is only the beginning. Celebrate that you have been blessed with the good fortune to find a mate who has met your standards for eligibility, and that you have both fallen in love with each other.
You must also realize that an offer of a commitment is a demonstration of the highest regard and a great compliment of love. When your partner offers marriage or another form of formal commitment to you for the right reasons, he/she is saying you have been placed as the highest priority in his/her life. Treasure this commitment and use your relationship as a launching ground. This launching ground marks the beginning of a new journey, which can take you to new places in life you've only dreamed about.
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