Mishaps of Gum Drop Island--Issue One

I’ve always heard the Beginning is a good place to start. I’m not exactly sure where Beginning is located, so I hope you’ll bear with me if I start Someplace between Here and There. My memory tells me I was either Here or There, most definitely at Someplace one summer day when, as a young lass, I played childish games with my two older cousins, Zack and Mort. Both boys decided hide-n-seek was a ‘must’. My chosen spot to hide was, unknown to me until years later, a large cardboard box. Once I dashed inside, thinking ‘Ah ha! This dark corner is a place where they’ll never find me!’ the waiting boys deftly slammed down the lids, taped up the box, stamped on a label, and promptly mailed me off. The Himalayans was the intended destination. (Ah, boys will be boys, won’t they?) But the postal worker overseeing my travel had a hangover. With bloodshot eyes, he squinted at the mailing label atop my cardboard box, reading the words upside down. So, instead of the Himalayans, I was delivered to the upside down address—which turned out to be a remote island called Noplace-in-Particular, or Nip for short.

Ah, a lovely spot, Nip. Green and lush from its tropical atmosphere, the island supplied daily playmates. I don’t mean the usual inhabitants such as monkeys or birds. No, pythons and anacondas begged for a game I dubbed ‘Bowling Alley’. Wrapped snugly inside their affectionate, coiled hugs, I’d fall backwards to the ground. Kicking with my feet, I used the creature’s encircling body like a huge bowling ball and propelled us forward. Picking up speed, we bounced and rolled through the foliage, bumping over tree roots and banging against sharp rocks. Before I could call out, “Strike!”, however, I’d find myself lying face down in the dirt. Apparently, the snake tired quickly from this carefree, wild ride game, almost always immediately releasing me. Lying alone in the dirt, I’d watch the departing reptile. Moving sluggishly through the underbrush, the snake’s broad head swayed from side to side much like a drunken person unable to maintain their balance.

Aside from the frolicking games with the island’s creatures, I learned the ways of the jungle, becoming as competent as one of the natives. I forgot my trickster cousins, lost all knowledge of Rice Krispies ‘snap, crackle, pop’ fame and—horrors!—I never heard of Bill Gates.

Idyllic years passed.

Then one day an explorer happened upon the beach. Well, perhaps he didn’t just ‘happen’. Sailing in his Good Ship Lollipop from Point A to Point B, the captain lost his way. Now don’t get technical and ask me how anyone traveling in a straight line can possibly get lost. You’d need to ask the navigator, Captain Bootlegs. Perhaps his name can give you a clue. But, back to my story—

For several days, the yacht aimlessly circled Nip until its supply of black energy—molasses, that is—became depleted. (After all, what else would a lollipop ship run on?) Captain Bootlegs saw no alternative but to drop anchor. Unfortunately, it landed on his foot. Howling with pain, he hopped about in a tight circle for several minutes, cradling his injured piggies. Finally, he managed to heave the iron weight to its proper place. Since the ship was now stuck fast in the lagoon, the next question asked was: Who would attempt to actually come ashore?

Why, the brave explorer, of course. Sir O. Yuri Wiseguy-eh, owner of the Good Ship Lollipop, stepped to the challenge. Squaring his shoulders, he poked his monocle over his right eye, sniffed a pinch of cocoa off his wrist, sneezed, wiped his nose with a lacy hanky, straightened his belt, rubbed one shoe on the back of a pants leg, coughed—You get the picture. Obviously, he couldn’t wait to see what awaited him. After fifteen minutes of prep time, said explorer walked down the gangplank and arrived at Nip.

Immediately, he engaged in a battle with ferocious snap-Dragons. Staggering through the dense population, he tore and ripped the attacking beasties off his body. Next, he confronted an arena full of fuzzy-headed dandy-Lions. The sharp blade of his sword cut a path through the monsters and Yuri escaped with his life. Panting from exhaustion, he stumbled through the jungle, slipping on some loose rocks and fell—head over heels—down a steep ravine. Whose feet should he land at except my own?

I sat in a sunlit area surrounded by my usual friends. Missy Toe draped off an overhead branch of the nearest tree, while Willow continued her incessant weeping. I hoped one day she’d recover from her guilt of accidentally slapping Susie and giving her perpetual black eyes.

Trying to complete my intense, artistic, ‘make-sure-I-hold-my-tongue-just-right’ task of a brand new daisy chain necklace, I was more than a little surprised when in burst this most peculiar intruder. For a long moment, I stared at the unmoving form before me. Just as I was ready to inquire if my assistance might be needed, the form moved.

Pushing himself out of the dirt from where he landed face first, the stranger announced, “I’m a warrior! I just fought dragons and lions!”

Yes,” I answered. “I know.” Indeed, the evidence was obvious. Mutilated snap-Dragons clung to this filthy creature’s hair and collar. Beheaded dandy-Lions covered his clothing in a thick layer, giving him the appearance of a woolly caterpillar. I must admit, at first sight of him, I remember thinking, My, he’s quite a sight.

He stood to his feet. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am the adventurous explorer Sir O. Yuri Wizeguy-eh.” Cleaning his monocle with his slightly used lacy hanky, he adjusted it over his right eye. Peering at me, he announced, “I must say, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!”

(Well, you didn’t think I was going to be ugly, did you?)

I batted my eyelashes. “Well, if you must say it, please do.”

My dear,” Yuri told me. “You don’t belong here tucked ‘n Nip.”

Why do you say that?”

Look about you. You’re the only one walking upright.”

And with that, I considered. True, my friends the pythons and anacondas slithered. The monkeys swung through the trees, the birds perched on branches or flew through the air. I was the only being who walked the straight and narrow.

What should I do?” I asked O. Yuri Wizeguy-eh.

Come away with me,” he offered. “To my castle atop the bluff of Gum Drop Island.”

Startled, I looked around. “What’s that noise?”

Yuri gazed at the treetops. “Sounds like music,” he answered. “It happened after I said Gum Drop Island.”

There it is again,” I gasped. “What does it mean?”

In the movies, they always play music during the love scenes or at happy endings.” He looked at me and I looked at him.

So,” I asked, “how will we get there with your ship tucked at Nip?”

No fear,” he assured me. “My captain, Bootlegs is his name, always seems to have something smuggled onboard. I’m confident he’ll find the fuel necessary to get us started on our way.”

With that, he took my arm and led me to the lagoon. Before walking up the Good Ship Lollipop’s gangplank, Yuri gave me a critical gaze. “When we arrive at Gum Drop Island—” He looked about him. “There’s that music again.” Turning back to face me, he went on, “As I was saying, when we arrive at my castle, I’ll have my housekeeper, Ms. Whales, teach you the Ways of Civilization.”

Why can’t you?”

Me?” He blinked with surprise.

Yes. You’re a wise guy, eh?”

Hmm.” He frowned. “In this particular matter, you need a wise gal. Now, come along. Let’s head for Gum Drop Island.”

As Yuri guided me up the gangplank, the music sounded again.

(To be continued)