THE TERRORISTS CAN-DO, IF TOM CRUISE & MADONNA DON'T

If you need a break from this world's current sandstorm politics, rock-diva religions and star-crossed mudpies, have I got a diversion for you.

I've just been pleasantly so-diverted via a letter from my physicist friend Stan, advising me that a broadcast media contact of his, uncertain of how to arrange some local programming, needed to "regidify" his position on expanding air times.

Now, as a humorist, I've often used words I've never heard, but when I hear a word I've never used, it's my duty to investigate. Perish forbid, I may have unknowingly "regidified" something or someone in my life, or even been the butt of a "regidification." If I did, or I have been, I need to come to grips with it. But, I couldn't be sure, so I looked it up.

I found it in a garbage can.

More accurately, the word appeared in a U.S. Patent description for a "garbage can assembly with lid anchoring means." In this case, the patent-seeker spoke of how the garbage can lid's "plurality of radial corrugations served to strengthen and regidify it."

TRANSLATION: Bumpy beats smooth, when it comes to a tough garbage can lid.

As we pick up speed into your diversion, I must warn you: The U.S. Patent people are another-worlders within this world of cause, concern and effect. Most of the time, it's best we leave them alone. They busy themselves, and get their messages across to each other, with terrifying phrases like this:

" ... If the patent disclaimer disclaims the terminal portion of the term of the patent which would extend beyond the expiration date of an earlier issued patent, then the expiration date of the earlier issued patent determines the expiration date of the patent subject to the terminal disclaimer...."

The Mad Hatter meets the Scarecrow.

If I read that a hundred times, even after my morning brain had been sparked into crisp thinking by my beloved Maxwell House, I wouldn't understand it. Eventually, I wouldn't care that I didn't understand it. And, lastly, I might even begin to care again about sandstorm politics, rock-diva religion and star-crossed mudpies.

But, firstly, I would've been pleasantly diverted, as noted, and read on.

We're now at maximum velocity in your diversion. Here is the summary of the invention, verbatim, filed with the United States Patent Office. Please proceed carefully. This may cause a closed head injury:

# 4279357 --- The Garbage Can With The Anchored Lid:

" ... This invention generally comprises a receptacle having a mouth, a lid, at least one handle having a closed loop structure which is pivotally mounted on a side wall of the receptacle adjacent to the mouth, and a tab lock means integrally connected to the lid and receivable into the closed loop of the handle for anchoring the lid to the handle whenever the lid is not engaged over the mouth of the receptacle...."

(Take a breath, a gulp of coffee, and focus. We'll get through this together)

" ... The tab lock means of this improved garbage can assembly includes a tab portion which is no wider than the maximum width across the closed loop structure of the handle, as well as a lock portion which is wider than the maximum distance across the closed loop...."

(Steady on)

" ... Preferably, the tab lock means is formed from a flexible, resilient sheet material, so that the lock portion of the tab may be conveniently engaged to the handle of the receptacle by manually contracting it and inserting it through the closed loop structure of the handle and allowing it to expand back to its normal width, including a bead of reinforcing material around the connection between the tab portion and the tab lock means, as well as an aperture for effecting the display of the lid by hanging on a peg hook at the point of sale."

TRANSLATION: The can has handles so you can pick it up. The lid opens so you can open it. It has a hinge so it doesn't fall off. When you close it, it closes. Home Depot can hang 'em from the ceiling on Garbage Can Sale Day.

If you haven't suffered enough sidebar intrigue at this point, you can check out more U.S. patents for (so help me): a Smoker's Hat, a Paddle Wheel Aircraft, the Inclining Coffin, and (I'm not kidding!) an "Apparatus For Facilitating The Birth Of A Child With Centrifugal Force."

Oh, baby.

I know --- right about now you're feeling maximally diverted and are dying to relax and get back to the important stuff. Will we fight terrorists over there, or terrorize the fight over here? Will Madonna, following her Crucifix-ation, next descend upstage affixed to a Menorah? Can Tom cruise?

It's all regidifiable, but if it isn't, I'll try to keep the lid on it.

Copyright 2006 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.