ALL THE NEWS THAT'S ALL THE NEWS
Barbara Anderson
August 25, 2006
BREAKING NEWS………BREAKING NEWS……..BREAKING NEWS…….
WELCOME TO C-WHATEVER AND ALL THE NEWS THAT’S ALL THE NEWS. I’M BAMBI LOOKINGOOD, WITH MY CO-HOST, TAD TOOSMOOTH. WE HAVE A BREAKING STORY.
SUSPECT JOHN KARR HAS LEFT ON HIS JOURNEY TO BOULDER IN RELATION TO THE JONBENET RAMSEY MURDER CASE. OUR REPORTERS ON THE SCENE TELL US THAT HE WAS WEARING CASUAL CLOTHING AND WAS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE. TAD, YOU HAVE SOMETHING……
Shelling continued for the fourth night in Israel. Estimated thirty people have died. Hezbollah vows to wipe Israel off the map. Back to you, Bambi.
SUSPECT JOHN KARR IS FLYING TO U.S. TO FACE MURDER CHARGES…..OR NOT. WE HAVE IT FROM RELIABLE SOURCES THAT HE ATE WELL, DINING ON FIRST CLASS FOOD AND DRINKING CHAMPAGNE. NO NEWS YET ON THE BRAND OF CHAMPAGNE, BUT WE’RE WORKING ON THAT AND WILL KEEP YOU POSTED. BACK TO YOU, TAD.
Lebanon is hit by shelling from Israel. Estimated two hundred people killed. Hezbollah vows to wipe Israel off the map. Back to you, Bambi.
THANKS, TAD, THIS JUST IN. IN OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH A FORMER NEIGHBOR OF JOHN KARR, WHO IS FLYING BACK TO FACE MURDER CHARGES….OR NOT, WE LEARN THAT KARR WAS DRAWING SUSPICION AT AN EARLY AGE. MS. BEEBODY, WHAT WAS YOUR IMPRESSION OF KARR WHEN YOU KNEW HIM? “WELL, HE WAS A STRANGE KID. AT TWO YEARS OF AGE HE COULDN’T TALK VERY WELL. I DISCUSS THIS IN MY BOOK THAT’S JUST OUT, ‘KARR WAS A STRANGE KID. AT TWO YEARS OF AGE HE COULDN’T TALK VERY WELL‘, WHICH IS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.COM RIGHT NOW.”
UH, THANK YOU FOR THAT INSIGHT, MS. BEEBODY. BACK TO YOU, TAD.
Iran tests eight more rockets in an effort to perfect missiles that will reach New York, Miami, Chicago, and even Los Angeles. U.S. State Department offers three billion dollars more in humanitarian aid to the Iranian government, but says the action is not connected to the rocket launches. Back to you, Bambi.
HURRICANE ALERT………HURRICANE ALERT…….HURRICANE ALERT…….
C-WHATEVER’S CRACK WEATHERMAN, TRU NERD, HAS INFORMED US THAT A HURRICANE IS FORMING OFFSHORE FLORIDA’S KEYS, BUT IT IS TOO EARLY TO TELL JUST HOW MUCH DAMAGE THIS STORM WILL CAUSE. TRU SAYS WE STILL EXPECT HUGE HURRICANES THIS SEASON AND WE WILL KEEP YOU POSTED SO THAT YOU CAN TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION. TRU, YOU HAVE SOMETHING MORE FOR US?
U.S. Weather Bureau reports no disastrous storms along the Eastern Coast so far. This is unusually good news as it portends a calmer than usual storm season for the year. Back to you, Bambi.
NEWS ALERT………..NEWS ALERT…………NEWS ALERT……..
C-WHATEVER HAS JUST LEARNED THAT THE PLANE CARRYING JOHN KARR HAS LANDED IN THE U.S. IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH A FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON THAT PLANE WE LEARN THAT KARR ONLY USED THE RESTROOM TWICE DURING THE ENTIRE FLIGHT. WHILE UNABLE TO CORROBORATE THAT STORY, WE ARE TOLD BY ALL WHO KNOW THIS FLIGHT ATTENDANT THAT SHE IS OBSERVANT, FRIENDLY, TRUSTWORTHY, NON-BIASED, AND KIND TO ANIMALS. WHEN WE CAN CORROBORATE THIS STORY, WE WILL BRING IT TO YOU…..FIRST, FAIR AND ON TOP OF THINGS, AS ALWAYS. BACK TO YOU, TAD.
Iran vows it is not trying to make a bomb to threaten or destroy Western civilization. However, it does threaten to wipe Israel off the map. Back to you, Bambi.
TIME NOW TO HEAR FROM OUR BUSINESS CORRESPONDENT, ERNEST LEE. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US, EARNEST?
Today the third deputy to the administrative assistant to the sixth departmental spokesman informed us that because the Congress has exceeded its own spending limit, we are broke, busted, NSF. Back to you, Bambi.
TO KEEP YOU UP TO DATE ON THE JOB MARKET, HERE IS OUR FINANCIAL ANALYST, CY ZEMUP. CY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US TODAY?
Yes, Bambi, the job market remains strong, with African-Americans losing jobs to the Hispanic population. More low-paying jobs being taken by the influx of Hispanics, especially Mexican immigrants. No response from those losing their jobs yet, but those gaining jobs tell us, as one Hispanic we interviewed said, through an interpreter, “I no speak English, but I love hiring hall U.S.” Back to you, Bambi.
TERRORIST ALERT……..TERRORIST ALERT……..TERRORIST ALERT……
WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED THE LATEST TAPE FROM THE KIDNAPPERS OF TWO AMERICAN JOURNALISTS. TAD BRINGS US UP TO DATE ON THAT. TAD?
The tape we received shows the two American hostages while a man’s voice speaks. He says that first of all he wants to commend our government’s Norman Mineta, who would not allow any racial profiling at our airports. It is only fair that old ladies and kids get examined along with anyone else. He says he would like to send Mineta a commendation, but he doesn’t know how to get it to him. Maybe he should send it in a bomb, ha ha. He says that unless we return all Islamic hostages they will cut out the tongues, cut off the limbs and cut off the heads of the hostages. He says it is their intention to do this to any American they can get their hands on. Bambi?
THANKS, TAD, NICE TIE.
WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON THE U.N. SANCTION OF NORTH KOREA. ALSO, THIS MARKS THE TWO HUNDREDTH SANCTION OF ISRAEL BY THE U.N. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US, TAD?
The U.N. marked the two hundredth sanction of Israel today, for which all members voted except Israel and the U.S. Kofi Annan commented on the occasion by stating that, while he remains hopeful that diplomacy can work with Israel, it should be evident that most everybody would just as soon see Israel pushed into the sea. He also took the occasion to chastise the U.S. for its “stingy” monetary support of the U.N. Back to you, Bambi.
WE HAVE SOME MORE BREAKING NEWS ON THE JONBENET MURDER CASE. WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CONFIRM OUR PREVIOUS STORY REPORTED TO US FROM A FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON THE PLANE FLYING JOHN KARR BACK TO THE U.S. ANOTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT HAS CORROBORATED THE FIRST FLIGHT ATTENDANT’S STORY. GOOD NEWS, RIGHT, TAD?
Right, indeed, Bambi. Now for our latest from North Korea. Kim Jong Il, leader of North Korea, has steadfastly refused to halt his development of nuclear weapon capacity. The State Department announced shortly after his refusal that North Korea would be receiving an extra sixteen billion dollars in humanitarian aid from the U.S. soon. The State Department added that this action had nothing to do with North Korea’s decision to go full speed ahead on the nuclear weapons initiative. In a rare statement, Kim Jong Il confided that, although he was a peaceful man, it wouldn’t bother him to see Israel blown off the map, and thoughtfully added that went for the U.S, too, which he playfully called by a popular nickname, “The Great Satan”. Bambi?
REALLY REALLY BREAKING NEWS…….REALLY REALLY BREAKING NEWS
C-WHATEVER AND ALL THE NEWS THAT’S ALL THE NEWS HAS JUST LEARNED THAT WE HAVE NEW INFORMATION IN THE NATALEE HOLLOWAY MISSING PERSON CASE. MORE TO FOLLOW AT NOON, SIX O’CLOCK AND TEN O’CLOCK. DON’T MISS IT.
WELCOME TO C-WHATEVER AND ALL THE NEWS THAT’S ALL THE NEWS. I’M BAMBI LOOKINGOOD, WITH MY CO-HOST, TAD TOOSMOOTH. WE HAVE A BREAKING STORY.
SUSPECT JOHN KARR HAS LEFT ON HIS JOURNEY TO BOULDER IN RELATION TO THE JONBENET RAMSEY MURDER CASE. OUR REPORTERS ON THE SCENE TELL US THAT HE WAS WEARING CASUAL CLOTHING AND WAS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE. TAD, YOU HAVE SOMETHING……
Shelling continued for the fourth night in Israel. Estimated thirty people have died. Hezbollah vows to wipe Israel off the map. Back to you, Bambi.
SUSPECT JOHN KARR IS FLYING TO U.S. TO FACE MURDER CHARGES…..OR NOT. WE HAVE IT FROM RELIABLE SOURCES THAT HE ATE WELL, DINING ON FIRST CLASS FOOD AND DRINKING CHAMPAGNE. NO NEWS YET ON THE BRAND OF CHAMPAGNE, BUT WE’RE WORKING ON THAT AND WILL KEEP YOU POSTED. BACK TO YOU, TAD.
Lebanon is hit by shelling from Israel. Estimated two hundred people killed. Hezbollah vows to wipe Israel off the map. Back to you, Bambi.
THANKS, TAD, THIS JUST IN. IN OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH A FORMER NEIGHBOR OF JOHN KARR, WHO IS FLYING BACK TO FACE MURDER CHARGES….OR NOT, WE LEARN THAT KARR WAS DRAWING SUSPICION AT AN EARLY AGE. MS. BEEBODY, WHAT WAS YOUR IMPRESSION OF KARR WHEN YOU KNEW HIM? “WELL, HE WAS A STRANGE KID. AT TWO YEARS OF AGE HE COULDN’T TALK VERY WELL. I DISCUSS THIS IN MY BOOK THAT’S JUST OUT, ‘KARR WAS A STRANGE KID. AT TWO YEARS OF AGE HE COULDN’T TALK VERY WELL‘, WHICH IS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.COM RIGHT NOW.”
UH, THANK YOU FOR THAT INSIGHT, MS. BEEBODY. BACK TO YOU, TAD.
Iran tests eight more rockets in an effort to perfect missiles that will reach New York, Miami, Chicago, and even Los Angeles. U.S. State Department offers three billion dollars more in humanitarian aid to the Iranian government, but says the action is not connected to the rocket launches. Back to you, Bambi.
HURRICANE ALERT………HURRICANE ALERT…….HURRICANE ALERT…….
C-WHATEVER’S CRACK WEATHERMAN, TRU NERD, HAS INFORMED US THAT A HURRICANE IS FORMING OFFSHORE FLORIDA’S KEYS, BUT IT IS TOO EARLY TO TELL JUST HOW MUCH DAMAGE THIS STORM WILL CAUSE. TRU SAYS WE STILL EXPECT HUGE HURRICANES THIS SEASON AND WE WILL KEEP YOU POSTED SO THAT YOU CAN TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION. TRU, YOU HAVE SOMETHING MORE FOR US?
U.S. Weather Bureau reports no disastrous storms along the Eastern Coast so far. This is unusually good news as it portends a calmer than usual storm season for the year. Back to you, Bambi.
NEWS ALERT………..NEWS ALERT…………NEWS ALERT……..
C-WHATEVER HAS JUST LEARNED THAT THE PLANE CARRYING JOHN KARR HAS LANDED IN THE U.S. IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH A FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON THAT PLANE WE LEARN THAT KARR ONLY USED THE RESTROOM TWICE DURING THE ENTIRE FLIGHT. WHILE UNABLE TO CORROBORATE THAT STORY, WE ARE TOLD BY ALL WHO KNOW THIS FLIGHT ATTENDANT THAT SHE IS OBSERVANT, FRIENDLY, TRUSTWORTHY, NON-BIASED, AND KIND TO ANIMALS. WHEN WE CAN CORROBORATE THIS STORY, WE WILL BRING IT TO YOU…..FIRST, FAIR AND ON TOP OF THINGS, AS ALWAYS. BACK TO YOU, TAD.
Iran vows it is not trying to make a bomb to threaten or destroy Western civilization. However, it does threaten to wipe Israel off the map. Back to you, Bambi.
TIME NOW TO HEAR FROM OUR BUSINESS CORRESPONDENT, ERNEST LEE. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US, EARNEST?
Today the third deputy to the administrative assistant to the sixth departmental spokesman informed us that because the Congress has exceeded its own spending limit, we are broke, busted, NSF. Back to you, Bambi.
TO KEEP YOU UP TO DATE ON THE JOB MARKET, HERE IS OUR FINANCIAL ANALYST, CY ZEMUP. CY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US TODAY?
Yes, Bambi, the job market remains strong, with African-Americans losing jobs to the Hispanic population. More low-paying jobs being taken by the influx of Hispanics, especially Mexican immigrants. No response from those losing their jobs yet, but those gaining jobs tell us, as one Hispanic we interviewed said, through an interpreter, “I no speak English, but I love hiring hall U.S.” Back to you, Bambi.
TERRORIST ALERT……..TERRORIST ALERT……..TERRORIST ALERT……
WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED THE LATEST TAPE FROM THE KIDNAPPERS OF TWO AMERICAN JOURNALISTS. TAD BRINGS US UP TO DATE ON THAT. TAD?
The tape we received shows the two American hostages while a man’s voice speaks. He says that first of all he wants to commend our government’s Norman Mineta, who would not allow any racial profiling at our airports. It is only fair that old ladies and kids get examined along with anyone else. He says he would like to send Mineta a commendation, but he doesn’t know how to get it to him. Maybe he should send it in a bomb, ha ha. He says that unless we return all Islamic hostages they will cut out the tongues, cut off the limbs and cut off the heads of the hostages. He says it is their intention to do this to any American they can get their hands on. Bambi?
THANKS, TAD, NICE TIE.
WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON THE U.N. SANCTION OF NORTH KOREA. ALSO, THIS MARKS THE TWO HUNDREDTH SANCTION OF ISRAEL BY THE U.N. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US, TAD?
The U.N. marked the two hundredth sanction of Israel today, for which all members voted except Israel and the U.S. Kofi Annan commented on the occasion by stating that, while he remains hopeful that diplomacy can work with Israel, it should be evident that most everybody would just as soon see Israel pushed into the sea. He also took the occasion to chastise the U.S. for its “stingy” monetary support of the U.N. Back to you, Bambi.
WE HAVE SOME MORE BREAKING NEWS ON THE JONBENET MURDER CASE. WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CONFIRM OUR PREVIOUS STORY REPORTED TO US FROM A FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON THE PLANE FLYING JOHN KARR BACK TO THE U.S. ANOTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT HAS CORROBORATED THE FIRST FLIGHT ATTENDANT’S STORY. GOOD NEWS, RIGHT, TAD?
Right, indeed, Bambi. Now for our latest from North Korea. Kim Jong Il, leader of North Korea, has steadfastly refused to halt his development of nuclear weapon capacity. The State Department announced shortly after his refusal that North Korea would be receiving an extra sixteen billion dollars in humanitarian aid from the U.S. soon. The State Department added that this action had nothing to do with North Korea’s decision to go full speed ahead on the nuclear weapons initiative. In a rare statement, Kim Jong Il confided that, although he was a peaceful man, it wouldn’t bother him to see Israel blown off the map, and thoughtfully added that went for the U.S, too, which he playfully called by a popular nickname, “The Great Satan”. Bambi?
REALLY REALLY BREAKING NEWS…….REALLY REALLY BREAKING NEWS
C-WHATEVER AND ALL THE NEWS THAT’S ALL THE NEWS HAS JUST LEARNED THAT WE HAVE NEW INFORMATION IN THE NATALEE HOLLOWAY MISSING PERSON CASE. MORE TO FOLLOW AT NOON, SIX O’CLOCK AND TEN O’CLOCK. DON’T MISS IT.
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