I know what will happen in Copenhagen

MANILA - There is going to be the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen from 7 to 18 December 2009. I'm not invited. Neither are you.

I'm not sorry. If I were there, I will talk too much myself. Too many talks will spoil the truth. The inconvenient truth.

Really, I don't mind. I already know what will happen in that conference. No Copenhagen treaty, no Climate Facility. Am I a visionary or something? No, I'm a dreamer.

I dream that in Copenhagen, the big boys and the small boys will meet at a round table, to be fair, following the legendary example of the British King Arthur. You know what happened to King Arthur's court, don't you? There was complete chaos in Camelot.

Expect that in Copenhagen, science will be the flavor of the mouth. They will joust with words instead of swords. They will debate theories. They will discuss assumptions. They will deliberate on methods and analyses. They will delineate findings. They will delimit conclusions. They will dissertate on recommendations. In the end, they will agree to disagree. The small boys have no choice. And, as expected, the big boys will have their cake and eat it too.

You have to understand the big boys. If you force them to do things against their will, they will cry. Big boys do cry. They're spoiled brats.

So, I beg the small boys to show mercy on the big boys and demonstrate to them how to behave in a gentlemanly manner. Or as Christians. You have to show them what they lack in breeding. Or in scruples.

Here is a different idea from Hawa Sow, Africa Climate Policy Coordinator of WWF, as quoted by Morten Andersen (''Africa afraid of being taken hostage,' en.cop15.dk):

If the (Copenhagen) deal does not respond to the expectation of African nations to adapt to climate change, (and) if it fails to provide the necessary finance, technology and capacity building, then Africa should consider not signing in Copenhagen. A really bad deal could be worse than no deal.

To walk out of a conference is in bad taste. It is also an exercise in futility. You're mad. It's not healthy. It's also defeatist. We're defeating ourselves, shame on us!

I say we don't have to ask the big boys for help. I say we small boys can help ourselves.

Starting now. I think I have a brilliant idea. We ought to plan on Copenhagen right this minute. Let the small boys gang up on the big boys and turn the round table on them. Let the small boys grab the mike first thing in the meeting and have the first word. The big boys will be shocked, but they will pay attention.

Now, instead of arguing against the arguments of the big boys, let the best speakers among the small boys come up with the best arguments that they know the best of the big boys will come up with - and let the small boys harangue the big boys with the big boys' own arguments for hours and hours. A privilege speech followed by another privilege speech. A filibuster. Call all the mass media! Tell the whole world! It will be fun to listen and watch, live, via satellite, on TV or streaming video.

Will the big boys believe their own lines?

Let the small boys say to the big boys, for starters:

Quiet, boys, and let's begin by agreeing. So, let us small boys present to you your side of the equation and you tell us if we understand you perfectly. We will tell you what you already know just to see if we are thinking along the same lines.

They already got their attention. And the small boys will tell the big boys that it is not true that we have a window of only 10 years. That it is not true that converting corn to bioethanol results in more carbon emission than continuing to buy oil from the Middle East. That it is not true that diverting corn to biofuel is the cause of the food crisis. That it is not exactly true that there is global warming at all. Frank Roche, candidate for US Congress, is already saying, as quoted by David Morris, 'As more and more scientific evidence is gathered, the case for man-made global warming gets weaker and weaker' (24 October, wake.mync.com). And wouldn't you know! A poll by the Pew Research Center reports that 20% less Americans believe in climate change caused by man ((James Heiser, 23 October, jbs.org). No, the Nobel Prize for Peace is not a true measure of global warming. The American opinion is. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, IPCC, and what's-his-name were simply talking off the hind legs of different donkeys. And what does the newest winner of the Nobel Prize for Peace US President Barack Obama have to say? He's not saying enough, according to Rajendra Pachauri, head of the IPCC (google.com/hostednews/afp). Enough said!

Will the big boys listen to the small boys? Those who have ears, listen!

Notwithstanding the reversed roles, I doubt that the big boys will listen to the small boys parroting them. Nobody listens to parrots, ever. Pay attention, but not listen.

The big boys will have the last word of course. Size matters. Big boys will always be big boys. Or should I say, lifestyles matter. The big boys won't change their lifestyles for the sake of the small boys. As in, the American Dream is not for everybody. So, if nothing happens in Copenhagen, I told you so.

Climate change is no respecter of persons. Time, tide or global warming waits for no man. If my expectations are correct, when it's time for all of us to say 'So long, farewell! It's time to say goodbye' simultaneously, at least we small boys can face the big boys, if it's the last thing we'll ever do; we'll point our fingers to them and we'll tell them and be excused for name-calling, shouting at the top of our lungs:

We told you so, you unintelligent, dense
imbeciles!
incompetents!
knuckleheads!
addleheads!
boneheads!
flibbertigibbets!
jackasses!
turkeys!
birdbrains!
madmen!
morons!
ninnies!
nincompoops!
dimwits!
dingbats!
dolts!
fools!
idiots!

Goodbye ...