Chronic Pain and Your Marriage: How to Improve Your Communication
Lisa Copen
October 12, 2009
"It feels like I'm lying on thumb tacks," I tell my husband as he crawls into bed beside me. "But there is nothing there! I feel so bruised."
"I'm sorry," he offers with a sympathetic smile, but what else is there he can offer me?
"I feel a little nauseous tonight too," I respond. "I wonder if I should eat some crackers or something. . . or if that would just upset my stomach more. It has to be the medications. It will probably pass soon." Before I can finish my sentence he is already asleep.
Most of us have a spouse who we would call our dearest friend. If our relationship is a good one, it is natural to want to share what we are experiencing with them. If our relationship is on the bumpy side, we may think that if he could just understand the daily pain we live with a bit better, maybe it would explain our moodiness, and in fact, bring us closer together emotionally.
I've never met anyone who desired to be a burden to their loved ones, but it's natural to want to talk about the invisible pain we are going through. When we are hurting we want those who care about us the most to have some idea of what our daily reality is and by talking about our pain, it makes it "real." It's no longer something "all in our head" but rather it becomes validated.
Galatians 6:2 tells us "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." At some point we must carry these burdens to the Lord, as well as a close friend, rather than just count on our spouse to carry the burden of listening about each ache.
Although your spouse may not be suffering from a physical ailment, there are still many losses that he is grieving. For example, it is an emotional thing to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to fix it. He may be suffering as he watches you lose the ability to do things you love. He likely misses the couple outings you once took together when you could do physically active events, whether it was skiing, or just taking long walks together on the beach. He may be frustrated that even his hugs can cause you to wince. Counselors have found that there are three major areas where marriages suffer: money, time and physical intimacy.
When it comes to chronic illness in a marriage, it's not unusual to have all three of these be influential in problems you are experiencing. Chronic illness adds a weighty burden to each of these. How can we learn to "share our burdens" within our marriage, yet also know when to not dish out our burdens one after the other onto our spouse?
Remember your spouse is on "your side"
Remember that the "team" is you and your spouse up against the illness. The illness is the third party, not your spouse. Yes, you will often feel that your spouse is the spectator in your life as you go through the ups and downs of your illness, but make him a part of fighting this battle with you in a way that he is most comfortable.
It is okay (and wise) to gently educate your spouse on your illness. Allow him to come to your doctor's appointments if he wishes, and ask his own questions about your illness, especially when you are first diagnosed. Don't overwhelm him, expecting him to read all the books you are reading, especially if he never reads. Instead, give him a brochure with the basics or see if there is a podcast he can listen to. Talk opening about some of the responsibilities or roles may change within your marriage due to the illness. Be open about what you think you can and cannot do, for example, maybe you can no longer scrub that tub. Be forthright about them so you can decide as a team how they can still be completed.
Connie Kennemer lives with multiple sclerosis and she candidly shares that struggle that it can be to find the right balance and word. "I am not as mobile as I used to be and I often ask more of my husband such as 'Can you work at home this afternoon?' or 'Why do you have to go to another meeting?' How much should he accommodate me because my body is changing? He doesn't always know when to stop and encourage me to try things myself. This is a constant challenge."
Be reasonable in your expectations
It's not uncommon for us to marry someone who has the opposite personality style as we do. You may feel the need to read everything you can get your hands on about your illness and attend all the support group meetings, but your spouse doesn't respond to your diagnosis in the same way. It's not because he doesn't care, he is just responding in a way that is different from your own.
On the other hand, maybe you take things as they come and don't want to get on the internet and read every detail about the symptoms you may have. Your spouse may wonder why you aren't more interested in finding out how to best treat (and even cure) this disease. He may go as far as to accuse you of being in denial about your illness. He may want to see you be more passionate about being healed than you are. A wonderful book that will help you smooth out some of your communication is "Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti" by Bill and Pam Farrell.
Have information about your illness readily available
Sometimes we can just talk in circles about our pain and illness, never really getting to anything specific or a topic that can help our marriage grow. Perhaps one of the most effective tools to share something is to place sticky notes on pages of a books you'd like him to review with comments about topics you'd like to discuss. You can hand it to him and say, "There is a great example in this book about what we are experiencing right now. Would you be willing to read it and then maybe we can talk about it later?" Shares Connie, "After ten years of living with MS, I am past the whiney stage, but Rex sometimes holds back; that's when I need to ask him more questions about his feelings."
Creatively keep him informed about the embarrassing parts of the illness
If your illness is going to cause you to be in the bathroom during eighty percent of the events you attend together, you need to let your spouse know that this is part of the disease. Health organizations have brochures on symptoms. You can say, "I'm dealing with some personal matters of this illness right now; I don't really want to talk about them yet, but they're in this brochure if you're wondering." Avoid sharing every detail if you can.
Look for other ways to vent besides your spouse's shoulder
"I realized that I banked my frustrations of pain throughout the day and then 'threw' them at my husband when he walked through the door," shares Cheryl, who lives with chronic fatigue syndrome. "I was setting the tone for our entire evening. I felt better getting it off my chest, but he felt worse, and it lasted all night. I could tell he was beginning to dread walking through the door."
Cheryl began to put aside the last two hours of her day to spend time writing in her journal, praying and doing something she enjoyed that calmed her. "Writing in my journal gave me the chance to express my frustrations, and then prayer really began to minimize the negativity too. My husband quickly noticed a difference and it's made our relationship so much stronger."
Get involved in some new hobbies
Too often we talk about our illness because it's the only thing going on in our lives. Volunteer to be on a prayer chain, write that book you've been meaning to write, or get involved in a scrapbook club and start putting together albums for your grandchildren. You'll find even you aren't as interested in talking about your illness when you have more interesting things to share.
Conclusion
So, the real question is how much is too much! There is no perfect answer, because it's different for each person and each marriage. Practice being objective. How often are you bringing up your illness? How do you benefit from talking about it more often than necessary? Do you need validation? Understanding? Actual physical help with tasks? It's not wrong to admit that maybe there are days we really do just want the attention from our spouse and this seems to be the only way to get it! How can we get some of these needs filled by God instead of our spouse? How is it negatively impacting your life, or those around you, by discussing it all the time?
And then take a moment to really ask yourself "Is there a better, more creative way that I can create intimacy with my spouse, other than just complaining about each ache and pain? What activities can I still share that could help us grow closer together?"
When you want to share about your illness, say a little prayer first: "Lord, I bring to you my pain and my emotional needs because of it. You know that I don't want to burden anyone else with something they can't fix, but I also want a friendship where I can just be myself and really share what I am experiencing. I really need a hug from you right now. I know how much my spouse cares about me; please give me the wisdom to know when to ask for help and comfort from him/her and when to come only to You and ask you to fulfill all of my emotional needs."
You will find more articles and important support while living with chronic illness or pain visit Rest Ministries so you don't miss our fresh content and be entered for our monthly giveaway. Lisa Copen is the director of Rest Ministries, author of "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend" and founder of National Invisible chronic illness Awareness Week.
"I'm sorry," he offers with a sympathetic smile, but what else is there he can offer me?
"I feel a little nauseous tonight too," I respond. "I wonder if I should eat some crackers or something. . . or if that would just upset my stomach more. It has to be the medications. It will probably pass soon." Before I can finish my sentence he is already asleep.
Most of us have a spouse who we would call our dearest friend. If our relationship is a good one, it is natural to want to share what we are experiencing with them. If our relationship is on the bumpy side, we may think that if he could just understand the daily pain we live with a bit better, maybe it would explain our moodiness, and in fact, bring us closer together emotionally.
I've never met anyone who desired to be a burden to their loved ones, but it's natural to want to talk about the invisible pain we are going through. When we are hurting we want those who care about us the most to have some idea of what our daily reality is and by talking about our pain, it makes it "real." It's no longer something "all in our head" but rather it becomes validated.
Galatians 6:2 tells us "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." At some point we must carry these burdens to the Lord, as well as a close friend, rather than just count on our spouse to carry the burden of listening about each ache.
Although your spouse may not be suffering from a physical ailment, there are still many losses that he is grieving. For example, it is an emotional thing to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to fix it. He may be suffering as he watches you lose the ability to do things you love. He likely misses the couple outings you once took together when you could do physically active events, whether it was skiing, or just taking long walks together on the beach. He may be frustrated that even his hugs can cause you to wince. Counselors have found that there are three major areas where marriages suffer: money, time and physical intimacy.
When it comes to chronic illness in a marriage, it's not unusual to have all three of these be influential in problems you are experiencing. Chronic illness adds a weighty burden to each of these. How can we learn to "share our burdens" within our marriage, yet also know when to not dish out our burdens one after the other onto our spouse?
Remember your spouse is on "your side"
Remember that the "team" is you and your spouse up against the illness. The illness is the third party, not your spouse. Yes, you will often feel that your spouse is the spectator in your life as you go through the ups and downs of your illness, but make him a part of fighting this battle with you in a way that he is most comfortable.
It is okay (and wise) to gently educate your spouse on your illness. Allow him to come to your doctor's appointments if he wishes, and ask his own questions about your illness, especially when you are first diagnosed. Don't overwhelm him, expecting him to read all the books you are reading, especially if he never reads. Instead, give him a brochure with the basics or see if there is a podcast he can listen to. Talk opening about some of the responsibilities or roles may change within your marriage due to the illness. Be open about what you think you can and cannot do, for example, maybe you can no longer scrub that tub. Be forthright about them so you can decide as a team how they can still be completed.
Connie Kennemer lives with multiple sclerosis and she candidly shares that struggle that it can be to find the right balance and word. "I am not as mobile as I used to be and I often ask more of my husband such as 'Can you work at home this afternoon?' or 'Why do you have to go to another meeting?' How much should he accommodate me because my body is changing? He doesn't always know when to stop and encourage me to try things myself. This is a constant challenge."
Be reasonable in your expectations
It's not uncommon for us to marry someone who has the opposite personality style as we do. You may feel the need to read everything you can get your hands on about your illness and attend all the support group meetings, but your spouse doesn't respond to your diagnosis in the same way. It's not because he doesn't care, he is just responding in a way that is different from your own.
On the other hand, maybe you take things as they come and don't want to get on the internet and read every detail about the symptoms you may have. Your spouse may wonder why you aren't more interested in finding out how to best treat (and even cure) this disease. He may go as far as to accuse you of being in denial about your illness. He may want to see you be more passionate about being healed than you are. A wonderful book that will help you smooth out some of your communication is "Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti" by Bill and Pam Farrell.
Have information about your illness readily available
Sometimes we can just talk in circles about our pain and illness, never really getting to anything specific or a topic that can help our marriage grow. Perhaps one of the most effective tools to share something is to place sticky notes on pages of a books you'd like him to review with comments about topics you'd like to discuss. You can hand it to him and say, "There is a great example in this book about what we are experiencing right now. Would you be willing to read it and then maybe we can talk about it later?" Shares Connie, "After ten years of living with MS, I am past the whiney stage, but Rex sometimes holds back; that's when I need to ask him more questions about his feelings."
Creatively keep him informed about the embarrassing parts of the illness
If your illness is going to cause you to be in the bathroom during eighty percent of the events you attend together, you need to let your spouse know that this is part of the disease. Health organizations have brochures on symptoms. You can say, "I'm dealing with some personal matters of this illness right now; I don't really want to talk about them yet, but they're in this brochure if you're wondering." Avoid sharing every detail if you can.
Look for other ways to vent besides your spouse's shoulder
"I realized that I banked my frustrations of pain throughout the day and then 'threw' them at my husband when he walked through the door," shares Cheryl, who lives with chronic fatigue syndrome. "I was setting the tone for our entire evening. I felt better getting it off my chest, but he felt worse, and it lasted all night. I could tell he was beginning to dread walking through the door."
Cheryl began to put aside the last two hours of her day to spend time writing in her journal, praying and doing something she enjoyed that calmed her. "Writing in my journal gave me the chance to express my frustrations, and then prayer really began to minimize the negativity too. My husband quickly noticed a difference and it's made our relationship so much stronger."
Get involved in some new hobbies
Too often we talk about our illness because it's the only thing going on in our lives. Volunteer to be on a prayer chain, write that book you've been meaning to write, or get involved in a scrapbook club and start putting together albums for your grandchildren. You'll find even you aren't as interested in talking about your illness when you have more interesting things to share.
Conclusion
So, the real question is how much is too much! There is no perfect answer, because it's different for each person and each marriage. Practice being objective. How often are you bringing up your illness? How do you benefit from talking about it more often than necessary? Do you need validation? Understanding? Actual physical help with tasks? It's not wrong to admit that maybe there are days we really do just want the attention from our spouse and this seems to be the only way to get it! How can we get some of these needs filled by God instead of our spouse? How is it negatively impacting your life, or those around you, by discussing it all the time?
And then take a moment to really ask yourself "Is there a better, more creative way that I can create intimacy with my spouse, other than just complaining about each ache and pain? What activities can I still share that could help us grow closer together?"
When you want to share about your illness, say a little prayer first: "Lord, I bring to you my pain and my emotional needs because of it. You know that I don't want to burden anyone else with something they can't fix, but I also want a friendship where I can just be myself and really share what I am experiencing. I really need a hug from you right now. I know how much my spouse cares about me; please give me the wisdom to know when to ask for help and comfort from him/her and when to come only to You and ask you to fulfill all of my emotional needs."
You will find more articles and important support while living with chronic illness or pain visit Rest Ministries so you don't miss our fresh content and be entered for our monthly giveaway. Lisa Copen is the director of Rest Ministries, author of "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend" and founder of National Invisible chronic illness Awareness Week.
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