SMOKING OBAMA

Dear Mr. President:

You won´t remember me, unless you have a hard time with names but never forget pushy rural humorists in Hawaiian shirts. There we were in the fall of 2007 at a campaign stop in Littleton, NH, sharing two common bonds: a handshake and a smoking addiction.

Now two years later, I´ve long-since stopped smoking, but I´ll still press the flesh with any politician who takes the time to stump this far north. We upper and outlying region Granite Staters prefer our smokescreens up close and personal. Just don´t ask us to speak for those kooky Nashuans (an inside New Hampshire joke).

Please note that I did say smoking "addiction," not habit. Here´s the Live Smoke-Free Or Die inside scoop on that oft-confused distinction:

Let´s suppose that when dressing yourself, you've always first put on a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe, versus a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe. We´ll call this your habit, your elective quirk, and one that is largely inconsequential. Even after an adult lifetime of donning sock-sock shoe-shoe, if you suddenly had to change this habit to sock-shoe sock-shoe, you could do it without feeling like you were unilaterally disarming your feet.

But, mere footplay pales against the nail-biting, weight-gaining, burning-down-the-lilacs real and imagined angst and agony and withdrawal pains one suffers when quitting a smoking addiction.

Here, like any good pol worth his weight in segues, we arrive at your problem: the one where you still call yourself "ninety-five percent cured." Excuse me, Mr. President, but you´re saying that you only smoke five percent of the time. Now we´re at the heart of your own double bind.

You´ve confessed that you still "mess up" and "fall off the wagon." Those mea culpas might be noble first steps in vetoing a craving, but I think if Patrick Henry had said "Give me liberty or give me a rationalization!" he might not have risen to American Revolutionary status.

Let´s stop quibbling and instead embrace your signature word: "CHANGE". It´s the only way to forever rid yourself of these smoking relapses. You can´t quit them. I know, because when it comes to quitting, even quitting doesn´t work. You must change the way you think.

There is only one way to live smoke-free, but there is a filibuster of ways to get there:

At the risk of alienating the quit-smoking lobbyists, you must eschew any applications of hypnotic triggers, skin patches, acupunctures, e-puff cigarettes, herbal tobacco, chewing gums, sublingual homeopathic sprays, extended filter perforators, aversion therapies, flavored tablets, behavior modification videos, no-smoking seminar audios, reformer testimonials, nicotine substitute inhalers, lozenges, oils, powders and salves.

And, don´t even think about "Snuffdogs," the company that provides an on-site, specially-trained, quit-smoking Portuguese water attack dog, (a companion for Bo) complete with its own handler and non-choking accessories for achieving private home cold turkeys.

Okay, I made that last one up, but let´s be honest: as a self-admitted hardcore five-percenting butt fiend, you were sucked in there for a minute, because it sounded like the solution that finally just might work for you, right?

When all else fails, (and it will) here´s THE surefire method: Remember that you promised your wife you'd quit. And, when that fails, remember that you promised your wife you'd quit. Oh, and if you get to where you can't stand it another second, remember that you promised your wife you'd quit.

When that method is successful (and it will be) you'll be a cinch for a non-smoking do-over on Oprah's couch trip, and that's no drag. Ever again.

You once said, in prepping for your Presidential bid: "I figure there´s nowhere to go from here but down. So tonight, I´m announcing my retirement from the United States Senate."

Spoken in the reverse logic of a true New Hampshirite – one who knows that when it comes to an addiction, you can stop smoking some cigarettes five percent of the time; you can stop smoking all cigarettes ninety-five percent of the time, but if you truly want to be smoke-free, you have to start not smoking any cigarettes a hundred percent of the time.

YES (if I can do it) YOU CAN get there from here.

Syndicated humor columnist writes from the New Hampshire north country, but still maintains a smoking section here. Copyright 2009 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Used here with permission. This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary internet links to this column at humoristonloan.com may be distributed without written permission.

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