An Anger Management Plan for a New Age
Beth Banning
September 21, 2009
Co-authored by Neill Gibson
You have probably over time developed a habitual way of dealing with anger. It might be a pattern in yourself that you are aware of, such as trying to explain to an angry person why this and that happened. You might have even noticed that you handle the anger of others differently depending on your relationship with them.
The Mindset of Anger
It is important as a first step to get clear in yourself how you react to the anger of others; clamming up, trying to soothe them and smooth things over or getting angry yourself, might be your choice. But the biggest realization is to understand that the anger from that person has nothing to do with you.
This is hard for us to believe. Think about the phrases we use when we are describing being around someone who shows us their anger. "They're angry at me." or "I made them angry." The thought process is, "I'm the cause of their anger." In reality it is a false belief that someone else can be angry "with you" or that you are the "cause" of another person's anger. It's the head trip of trying to find an external reason for anger.
Now try this, focus on separating the "stimulus" for the anger from the "cause" of the anger.
Here's an example:
"Sue is angry because I didn't arrive on time for lunch. This implies that the stimulus and cause of the person's anger is YOU. But the truth is that although you not arriving on time for lunch, might spark anger, it is not the cause of the anger. Someone else's actions or inactions can only be the stimulus for the anger.
At the root of the anger is Sue's belief that she is not getting something she values. In this case it might be something like consideration, predictability, or caring. If you can figure out what's missing for the angry person, then you're much more likely to begin to have a conversation with them about how important those things are to them and how they might be able to get them in the future.
Another person's anger, irritation or upset is never about you. It is always about how scared the other person is about whether or not they're going to get something they value, keep something they value or lose something they value.
The Heart of Anger
Here comes the getting out of the head and into the heart part. When you realize first that their anger has nothing to do with you, and second that you are only the stimulus for their anger and NOT the cause, you can begin to stop taking other people's anger personally.
At this point you've begun to get to the heart of anger. This realization gives you the freedom to really get underneath their anger and create practical, effective solutions that truly get to the heart of it--the values that are being threatened.
Next time a friend, lover or co-worker explodes with words of anger that look like they are directed toward you, stop a moment and realize it's all in their head. Watch for your habitual reaction. Remember that is all in your head too. Then shake it all out, literally shake your head. The physical action will clear your thoughts and remind you to get back to the heart of anger... back to what they value.
When you come from a value-based place, getting to the heart of anger and moving toward more productive conversation is just a shake away!
If you're ready to discover more valuable steps in dealing with anger or personal growth and self-help tips, tools and techniques, sign up for our complimentary thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=081030.
Or visit us at: http://www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com
You have probably over time developed a habitual way of dealing with anger. It might be a pattern in yourself that you are aware of, such as trying to explain to an angry person why this and that happened. You might have even noticed that you handle the anger of others differently depending on your relationship with them.
The Mindset of Anger
It is important as a first step to get clear in yourself how you react to the anger of others; clamming up, trying to soothe them and smooth things over or getting angry yourself, might be your choice. But the biggest realization is to understand that the anger from that person has nothing to do with you.
This is hard for us to believe. Think about the phrases we use when we are describing being around someone who shows us their anger. "They're angry at me." or "I made them angry." The thought process is, "I'm the cause of their anger." In reality it is a false belief that someone else can be angry "with you" or that you are the "cause" of another person's anger. It's the head trip of trying to find an external reason for anger.
Now try this, focus on separating the "stimulus" for the anger from the "cause" of the anger.
Here's an example:
"Sue is angry because I didn't arrive on time for lunch. This implies that the stimulus and cause of the person's anger is YOU. But the truth is that although you not arriving on time for lunch, might spark anger, it is not the cause of the anger. Someone else's actions or inactions can only be the stimulus for the anger.
At the root of the anger is Sue's belief that she is not getting something she values. In this case it might be something like consideration, predictability, or caring. If you can figure out what's missing for the angry person, then you're much more likely to begin to have a conversation with them about how important those things are to them and how they might be able to get them in the future.
Another person's anger, irritation or upset is never about you. It is always about how scared the other person is about whether or not they're going to get something they value, keep something they value or lose something they value.
The Heart of Anger
Here comes the getting out of the head and into the heart part. When you realize first that their anger has nothing to do with you, and second that you are only the stimulus for their anger and NOT the cause, you can begin to stop taking other people's anger personally.
At this point you've begun to get to the heart of anger. This realization gives you the freedom to really get underneath their anger and create practical, effective solutions that truly get to the heart of it--the values that are being threatened.
Next time a friend, lover or co-worker explodes with words of anger that look like they are directed toward you, stop a moment and realize it's all in their head. Watch for your habitual reaction. Remember that is all in your head too. Then shake it all out, literally shake your head. The physical action will clear your thoughts and remind you to get back to the heart of anger... back to what they value.
When you come from a value-based place, getting to the heart of anger and moving toward more productive conversation is just a shake away!
If you're ready to discover more valuable steps in dealing with anger or personal growth and self-help tips, tools and techniques, sign up for our complimentary thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=081030.
Or visit us at: http://www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com
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