Save Yourself By Becoming An Atheist

Religionists get all riled up when news agencies trumpet the “all out war” between Israel and Hezbollah. Armageddon is whispered in Christian chapels all over Christendom. The Second Coming is shouted from the rooftops of zealots everywhere. Christ is coming again and he’s going to judge all you buggers. If you want to live on a glorified planet or go to the kingdom with golden streets and winged harpists, you better get on your knees and beg forgiveness for all those terrible things you’ve done. You know, like when you lusted after your neighbor’s husband or wife and that other time when you took five bucks out of the collection plate…you know what I’m talking about. Don’t look so surprised. You know who’s been naughty or nice.

Don’t panic. I have some saving news for you. The best way to weasel out of this Apocalypse is to change your belief. That’s right. Become an atheist. It’s easy. Convert to the truth and you will be passed by when you hear of earthquakes in diverse places and when somebody tries to tattoo the numbers 666 on your belly button. Just take your queue from Dorothy of the “Wizard of Oz” and close your eyes, snap your shoes together three times, and you will be saved from the hurricane that’s about to beset you.

It will be the simplest thing you will ever experience. Here’s how to do it. Walk slowly into your bedroom, skip the kneeling by your bedside thing, and lay calmly down on your bed. Close your eyes and begin thinking about Santa Claus, remember to be perfectly silent. Now, compare Santa Claus to God and repeat three times, God and Santa are the same. Soon you will begin to hear jingle bells outside of your bedroom and you will see the red glowing nose of Rudolph. This is the first step to an atheist epiphany. Once you realize that God is actually Santa Claus, your belief in the mythical Armageddon will dissipate into the atmosphere; in other words, it will vaporize into the land of make believe.

Take my word for it. Santa will save you and remember Santa has many helpers including the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and several Keebler elves. Peace of mind will overcome your continuous guilt for sleeping with that Joe Doe guy you met in a bar on Girls Night Out and that little sliver of guilt you have carried around for years in your conscience for taking your neighbor’s newspaper because the paperboy threw yours in a mud puddle. Remember, if you know the truth, the truth will set you free. Free yourself of your myths and accept Santa as your savior.