The Way Things Are (between Husbands and Wives)
Gardenia Ramos-Banos
July 17, 2006
Nothing can be more exhausting than a couple who always ends up fighting. It makes one wonder why they ever got married in the first place, if there's not a single thing on earth they can seem to agree upon. Although it's absolutely normal for couples to have arguments now and then, such “innocent” disagreements are not supposed to escalate into a full-blown battles. Why do couples fight, and what do they fight about?
MONEY. Whether there's too much or too little of it, couples fight about money all the time. There's always the question of who should handle the household finances, especially at these times when both husband and wife are earning for the family.
If only we could stick to the ideal, old-fashioned set-up with the wife staying at home, and the husband working for the entire brood, then perhaps we would see lesser conflicts in this area.
But the way things are today, fewer women opt to remain at home and let their men be the main provider. They want to have a piece of the action, too.
SEX AND UNFAITHFULNESS. In a recent survey conducted in the US, sexual incompatibility and unfaithfulness topped the home-wreckers list. With the rate our own Filipino moral values are deteriorating, it won't be long before we “catch up” with America's percentile of marriages ending in divorce.
Some couples usually fight about sex when the wife declares herself unavailable for a lot of reasons. As a result, the husband who feels unloved, may just turn his eyes on somebody else willing to be the proxy (like GRO's?). A sure battle erupts when the wife discovers the unfaithful deed. So who's to blame for the way things are now?
CHILD-REARING DECISIONS. In the old (golden) times, the mother was naturally charged with rearing the children since the father was out most of the day. There was no confusion whatsoever on who must mold the children's values or guide them on the rightful path.
But now, that family set-up is slowly fading away because most mothers are out working all day. Somebody else (nannies, helpers, a relative) is left in-charge of the children, and when the parents see their kids picking up twisted or undesirable traits from these people, they fight. They blame each other for not teaching their kids proper behavior and good values.
Shame, shame, shame. And we wonder why drug abuse and juvenile delinquency abound? Tell me something new...
So why do couples fight? Mainly because men and women are different- they were made that way. In John Gray's book, “Men are from Mars, Women from Venus”, he said that most couples don't have a clear awareness of their differences. They expect the other to “feel” and “want” as they do, and cannot communicate their feelings directly. So they just let hurt feelings build inside and then let everything burst out when they fight.
If couples can only accept their differences, they can learn how to love and understand each other best: by taking the sting out, understanding what the other needs - and remembering to give it! John Gray's book tells of the six different love needs that men and women have:
1. She needs caring, He needs trust.
2. She needs understanding, He needs acceptance.
3. She needs respect, He needs appreciation.
4. She needs devotion, He needs admiration.
5. She needs validation, He needs approval.
6.She needs reassurance, He needs encouragement.
Whew! Just thinking about it makes my sockets twirl (eyes roll?). But the way things are, still I believe it is best to remember what God intended us to be: He made Eve to help Adam in his loneliness. It is also written clearly that wives should submit to their husbands. But husbands, take note: Love and Honor your wife. A lot simpler that way, don't you think?
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MONEY. Whether there's too much or too little of it, couples fight about money all the time. There's always the question of who should handle the household finances, especially at these times when both husband and wife are earning for the family.
If only we could stick to the ideal, old-fashioned set-up with the wife staying at home, and the husband working for the entire brood, then perhaps we would see lesser conflicts in this area.
But the way things are today, fewer women opt to remain at home and let their men be the main provider. They want to have a piece of the action, too.
SEX AND UNFAITHFULNESS. In a recent survey conducted in the US, sexual incompatibility and unfaithfulness topped the home-wreckers list. With the rate our own Filipino moral values are deteriorating, it won't be long before we “catch up” with America's percentile of marriages ending in divorce.
Some couples usually fight about sex when the wife declares herself unavailable for a lot of reasons. As a result, the husband who feels unloved, may just turn his eyes on somebody else willing to be the proxy (like GRO's?). A sure battle erupts when the wife discovers the unfaithful deed. So who's to blame for the way things are now?
CHILD-REARING DECISIONS. In the old (golden) times, the mother was naturally charged with rearing the children since the father was out most of the day. There was no confusion whatsoever on who must mold the children's values or guide them on the rightful path.
But now, that family set-up is slowly fading away because most mothers are out working all day. Somebody else (nannies, helpers, a relative) is left in-charge of the children, and when the parents see their kids picking up twisted or undesirable traits from these people, they fight. They blame each other for not teaching their kids proper behavior and good values.
Shame, shame, shame. And we wonder why drug abuse and juvenile delinquency abound? Tell me something new...
So why do couples fight? Mainly because men and women are different- they were made that way. In John Gray's book, “Men are from Mars, Women from Venus”, he said that most couples don't have a clear awareness of their differences. They expect the other to “feel” and “want” as they do, and cannot communicate their feelings directly. So they just let hurt feelings build inside and then let everything burst out when they fight.
If couples can only accept their differences, they can learn how to love and understand each other best: by taking the sting out, understanding what the other needs - and remembering to give it! John Gray's book tells of the six different love needs that men and women have:
1. She needs caring, He needs trust.
2. She needs understanding, He needs acceptance.
3. She needs respect, He needs appreciation.
4. She needs devotion, He needs admiration.
5. She needs validation, He needs approval.
6.She needs reassurance, He needs encouragement.
Whew! Just thinking about it makes my sockets twirl (eyes roll?). But the way things are, still I believe it is best to remember what God intended us to be: He made Eve to help Adam in his loneliness. It is also written clearly that wives should submit to their husbands. But husbands, take note: Love and Honor your wife. A lot simpler that way, don't you think?
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