WWE: World Wrestling Erotica

Let’s face it, sex sells, and with it garnishes revenue. However, the WWE writers and the McMahon’s seem to do nothing but sell sex. Most WWE storylines have some sexual relation, whether it would be John Cena’s constant gay jokes, Diva searches, Edge and Lita’s sexfest 2006, or Kelly’s terrible attempts to arouse the precocious male-demographic (Me, of course).

I don’t mind some T&A (no, not Test and Albert) in professional wrestling; however, the WWE has drawn out sexual innuendoes that the WWE’s “sexual side” is suffering from ennui; in other words, it’s boring.

Of course, this article may seem tendentious when it comes to some of the content of sex, and I will bring up some nostalgic material to prove that the WWE should stand for “World Wrestling Erotica,” because that is all they are selling.

Sex in wrestling is like the icing on the cake, if you eat the icing with the cake it’s great, but if you just eat the icing it will give you a bad toothache and you will probably wish you never ate it in the first place. When the WWE started the Attitude Era, it exuded intense sexual situations. Who can ever forget Sunny, Sable, and Terri Runnels during the mid-90's? Sunny was the salient prospect of what the WWE was changing into, an adult based wrestling company that no longer catered to children.

However, as time goes by, the WWE has been rife with sexual situations that almost every storyline has some sort of gesture, situation, slang, derogatory statements, and any other sexual innuendos that the amorphous McMahon’s can think of, and here are a few of those terrible ideas.

The Diva Search - Originally dubbed the “RAW Diva Search” has now morphed into just the “Diva Search.” The idea is a reminder of how banal the WWE really is, because it reminds you of American Idol, the only difference is the only talent these “Divas” need, by societal terms, is to look sexy and “hot.” The first Diva search would influx the ever so bubbly and popular Christy Hemme, whom was probably the only reason the Diva Search was a success. However, the second Diva search would influx a more callow female in Ashley Massaro, who has never seem to grasp overness by wrestling fans due to her mundane Lita-ish look, attitude, and even tryst of the month, Matt Hardy. The Diva search is an obvious tool for Mr. Libertine himself, Vince McMahon to drool all over, because despite having a smattering of boos from arena to arena, and not having any sort of reaction at all from the IWC (Internet Wrestling Community), the WWE Diva search has resurfaced yet again garnishing the hottest philistines around the country.

Kelly Kelly - The fledgling blonde bimbo known as Kelly Kelly (great idea for a name, a last name was too hard for the Hollywood wanna-be’s in the WWE?), surfaced onto every wrestling fan’s television screens when ECW debuted on the Sci-Fi channel; however, like a bad song that is stuck in your head, Kelly would also be the quintessential travesty of what is ECW. If having Kelly dancing, badly I may add, wasn’t bad enough for one week, but fans of wrestling had to spend five minutes EVERY WEEK watching this girl struggle taking her clothes off, it’s obvious that she isn’t a pro, and from this day forward she has been the anathema that can’t take off her own bra. Not to mention, she is an exhibitionist. Surprise, surprise from the WWE writing staff, a young blonde bimbo with a sexual fetish in the WWE? Talk about rarity. (Sarcasm at it’s best).

Viscera - Generally in wrestling carbon copies of old gimmicks resurface to new wrestlers. Of course, Mark Henry’s “Sexual Chocolate” gimmick has been passed down to Viscera. Viscera has had, shall we say, prurient thoughts about Lillian Garcia, WWE’s lovely ring announcer; however, the gimmick doesn’t stop there, oh no. Viscera has one problem, just one, his finishing move, it can only be described as him “dry-humping” a male from behind. Wow, that was more devastating than the FU. (Sarcasm at it’s best).

The Fat Male Stripper - I cried a little when I saw the male stripper dumping loads and loads of baby oil all over his portly body, not because I was laughing, but because the guy was a WWE writer. This adduced the fact that the WWE writers were fat, ugly, 40 year old virgins that probably never gotten a date in their lives. That explains the overly sexed storylines, go figure. This is what the WWE hires as their writers?

The Vince McMahon “Kiss my Ass” Club - What can I say about this one? Vince McMahon believes that shoving the face of a grown male, including his son, all over his buttocks is “entertainment,” then I will question Vince McMahon’s sexuality for the rest of my life. When the KMAC first came about, it was a ridiculous abuse of power by Vince McMahon, and I am referring to the storyline, not real life; however, the storyline fulminated into another WWE over sexual travesty that makes you wonder if Vince McMahon actually likes men’s face smudged all over his buttocks. Whatever floats your boat Vinny Mac, just stay away from me.

Candice Michelle and Triple H’s “hummers” - Seriously, what was the point of this? That Triple H is indeed a glorified adulterer? That Candice Michelle is bisexual? What does this have to do with wrestling? If I wanted to see “that kind of wrestling” I would buy pornography. On RAW, Triple H, gleefully standing in front of a table, was confronted by Candice Michelle who was just “curious” about the production truck. You’re telling me she’s been in the wrestling business how long, and she’s never seen the production truck? WOW! Suddenly, Candice gets an awakening from below and for a couple of well-wasted minutes we see Triple H and Candice moan and groan as Triple H tries to answer one simple question. God, what happened to the King of Kings? The Cerebral Assassin? It may have been “funny,” but if you thought it was funny, you’re either easily amused or you were 13 years old.

John Cena’s “Gay” Remarks - I’m not a fan of John Cena, but I’m not on the “it’s cool to hate John Cena bandwagon” either; however, if there was anything that I hated more about John Cena is his banal gay remarks to his opponents. I understand that John Cena is supposed to have a “rap” gimmick; however, does he always have to tell his opponents to give him the proverbial hummer? Why is it that John Cena always has to chastize Edge as if he was gay, when clearly Edge has one of the hottest divas in WWE history? Come on, John, be original, get fresh, or whatever you rappers like to say.

Gene Snitsky’s Foot Fetish - Enough said.

Randy Orton and Brooke Hogan - Once again, this story deduces my point that the WWE cannot create a storyline without having some kind of sexual innuendo in place. Randy Orton, all of a sudden, likes Brooke Hogan? Same ol song and dance, Brooke will turn on her dad, side with Orton, Orton will “screw her over,” Brooke will feel guilty, Hogan will win back her daughter’s honor, and they can return in time for Hogan Knows Best Season 3.

These were just some of the atrocious storylines that the WWE has spewed out on national television, and the bad thing is there’s more to come from the Hollywood rejects, the WWE writers. Watch to see if Torrie Wilson doesn’t have the fetish bestiality; think about it, she has Chloe, that could be a “great” WWE storyline. Next, the Undertaker will go crazy over being an open-necrophiliac. And, to top it off, why not have Tommy Dreamer have the fetish known as coprophaga, which is a fetish for feces. I bet Vinny Mac is writing all this down right now.

As I said before, sex in wrestling is okay as long as it’s done minimally and with class rather than just strange sexual situations all the time. It appears that no one can watch any WWE programming without having a sexual innuendo crammed down fans’ throats. While I do enjoy Lita and Edge, the Mickie James and Trish Stratus obsessed lesbian feud, and the Melina “splits,” I believe the WWE has used sex way too much in their storylines, because it’s hard to forget WWE’s sexual past of Mae Young’s hand, Triple H’s necrophilia escapade with Katie Vick, Torrie Wilson’s “father” having sex with Dawn Marie, and Heidenreich reading poems to scrawny announcers.

Erotica, or sex is okay in wrestling as long as it’s done with taste and not used to “entertain” Vince, Stephanie McMahon, and the fat 40 year old virgins that are known as the WWE writing staff rather than the fans. The WWE is supposed to be about wrestling, maybe the WWE forgot what kind of wrestling they were selling.