So, what is success?

March 11, 2016, 10:00 am. Martha was sitting on her couch in her bungalow at 9-Jasmine road. She had been sitting on the sofa for about four hours since the morning. She had not moved from her seat for almost four hours. Last night she could not sleep for even an hour. Every time, horrible dreams of her son’s soul wandering around awoke her. Since morning, she was dominated by a kind of hollowness and emptiness. She seemed in deep thought but she was thinking nothing. She was constantly gazing at the horizon from the window in front of her.

Knock, knock, knock. ‘Who is in the house?’ A sweet voice came from the main door of the house. Yeah coming, Martha said and proceeded to open the door. When she opened the door, standing there was a beautiful woman of around 40.

Does Sam live here?

Yeah, he used to. But who are you? (Without waiting for the answer Martha said ‘You must be Jim?’

How do you know?

Sam used to talk a lot about you. You look exactly like an angel Sam had described of you ten years before.

Where is he now?

Come in. Without any protest, Jim followed Martha. Matha signalled Jim to take a seat; Jim followed her. For a while, silence dominated them. Jim looked at Martha’s face, and found an unusual tiredness on the face of this above-60 woman.

Where is Sam now?

He’s gone.

Where?

How can I tell where is he gone? May be in the heaven or may be in the hell. Or he may not have gone anywhere and just wandering around. He came all the night in my dreams and did not let me sleep.

What are you saying?

If I say Sam dies just yesterday, you may say ‘so what?’ After all you used to say ‘so what’ in response to whatever happened to Sam in the past when you were together.

Shit. My god. I am sorry. You must be his mother and it must be hard on you to bear the loss. But madam, you cannot blame me like that and what you said just now is not right.

God knows what is right or what is wrong. But If I were wrong, you could have come to meet Sam when he lost his job, when he suffered from TB or when he lost one of his legs due top cancer.

I did not know anything about all these things. And Sam must have told you I was so far away.

Even if you had known about all these, you would have said ‘so what?’ (A kind of rage was seen on Jim’s face but she did not let it out.)

So what Sam died of?

I would say he dies of you. You were a kind of disease to him. He could not forget you. In the early years, he used to talk about you. He used to openly worship you. I have not replaced your portrait he has placed in the altar. He wished upon the stars for your happiness. Later he stopped talking about you but I found nothing but you in his eyes, his face, his thoughts and his actions. During the recent days, though he never in consciousness took your name but used to cry in the sleep and take your name. He was dying every moment to see you before he actually died. But he could not wait too long and left the world.

Did he love me so much? I am sorry for you and sorry for myself that I could not come on time. But he did not tell me he loved me so much when we were together.

Does love need to be told? Could not you see it on his face, his eyes, his feelings, his creations and his actions? Anyway what would have you said if he had told you about his feeling, say ‘so what?’? Neither you, I nor anybody can imagine how much he loved you.

How did he lose the job?

Do you know Harry?

Yes. He used to work with us when we were in Birminghum 10 years ago. But I did not like that guy. I used not to talk to him. Sam also did not like him. He was a wicked fellow.

Do you know he is dead?

Yes but I did not care about his death nor mourned it as I have already told you I did not like him. Actually I did not care where, when and how did he died.

Sam killed him

Oh my God, why?

After you left for US, Harry made some nefarious comments on you. One day, Sam took him to a nearby restaurant, offered him liquor and while returning from the restaurant Sam pushed Harry from the bridge on the way. Harry could not swim and drowned to death.

Oh my god. Was Sam not caught?

No. Police suspected Sam but could not prove him guilty. Court ruled that it was an accident and Harry himself and no one else was to be blamed for his death.

So Sam told all about it to you?

After the incident he quit the job and came to live with me. He was sorry for he used to think that he committed a murder, a sin. Except me, I guess he confessed it only with the god and perhaps he wanted to tell it to you. And I guess that’s why he wanted to see you once. Otherwise he had vowed not to want to see you, talk to you or let you know what he thought about you.

Was he so unhappy with me?

After all you are the one who broke him into pieces.

But why would he want to confess Harry’s killing with me?

I already told you he had raised you to the status of the God. You were his Goddess. Perhaps he wanted to seek forgiveness from his Goddess for his sin. He believed if you forgave him, he could care not even the God himself or the rest of the world.

Oh my God. Why are you telling all this to me? It hurts me. I lost a real friend, a real love. And now I am wandering here and there on the earth for nothing. I don’t have time to regret for what I did in the past. It won’t let me live in peace.

But why would you regret? You got all what you wanted to have.

But I still don’t know why did not Sam tell me that he loved me so much?

What would have you done even if he had told it to you? Would you have listened to him? Would your ego and ambition let you listen and consider Sam’s love? You were so blind with your ambition that you would have ignored him labeling him an emotional fool. Any way you are still lying by saying that you did not know that Sam loved you so much. You know Greta?

Yes. She was friend of both of us.

No, she was a friend of both of you but she was more a friend to you than to Sam. Otherwise why would she not meet Sam when, and talk to Sam, since you stopped talking to him? Anyway she had told you that Sam loved you very much. Do you remember what did you say when she told you that Sam cannot live without you?

No I don’t remember.

Yeah, that’s what you rich people do. You do care nobody’s feeling than yourself. You had said ‘So what? I did not ask him to fall in love with me and now if he cannot live without me, let him die. It makes no difference to me.’

No I did not say it.

Yes you had said so. Greta was here yesterday to attend Sam’s funeral. She told it to me before the God. And I hope you are not going to accuse her of lying.

No. But even if I had said it so, I must have said it in a different state of mind. I was moody, and I am still. Sam knew I was moody. He should not have taken it that way.

Come on Jim. Fear at least with the God. How do you expect Sam to take your comments? You did not do it once. Once when you were sad and when Sam asked what happened to you, you said ‘Come on, It’s my life. I am not answerable to anybody.’ Do you think you could say it to your best friend? If you can say so, how would he take your comments? There are so many instances that broke his heart and that forced him to think that he had no place in your heart and life, he had kept no meaning in your life.

But he was my friend. He should have understood that I was moody and he should have told it to me in person what he felt about me.

When did you treat him as a friend? Why, why should he open his heart to you as if your sharp comments were not enough? When you felt interference when he expressed concerns about your sadness, when you made harsh comments whenever he tried to be friendly with you when you stopped talking to him for no reasons, when you ignored him labeling him as an emotional, idiot and fool whenever he tried to share his feelings with you, why would he still pursue you? Why would he disturb one whom he loved, respected and worshipped so much even after knowing that you felt nothing about him?

But I should have known it.

Don’t act Jim; don’t act. He had told it to you. When you asked who was his best friend, he had said it was you; when you asked who could be his ideal life-long friend he had said it was you; and when you asked which girl did he respect most he had said it was you. He had even written an email to you saying that his most loved, most respected and most worshipped friend was you. What more did you want him to tell than this? Did you want him to tell that he wanted to marry you, he wanted you to bear his child and he wanted to fuck you?

But I did not understand all this.

Yeah, I have already said you reach people are like that. You were blind with your ambition, aims and goals. The reality is that you were too selfish and you cared nobody’s feeling and emotions, except your own. Anyway let it be. What’s the worth of talking all these things after he is dead? And you must be happy now?

The world sees it that way. What I am going through is known only to me and the God if he exists.

Why are you not happy? You got everything you wanted to have. You wanted to be rich and the Forbes has listed you among the top 50 rich women of the world; you wanted to remain beautiful and you look like the angel Sam had described ten years ago; You wanted to be powerful and the Post had revealed that you were behind the toppling of the French government headed by Dr Villepin three months ago. You wanted to build your own identity and fame and the Time had you on its cover six months ago; you wanted popularity and tens of thousands gather at airports to have a glance at you wherever you go; you wanted to marry a rich, handsome, well-built and loving man and you did it. So what do you need to be happy?

Yeah, people look it that way. At times, I too wonder what do I need to remain happy? But what I lack is friends, real friends, true love and peace. I don’t have a single friend like Sam whom I could trust to tell everything. I cannot trust anybody around me. I did not find true love from the man I married. Whenever I feel low and if I sigh today, it becomes news tomorrow. I am tired of all these things. What’s the meaning of life if I am not able to share my feelings with anybody? What’s the worth of all these material things if I cannot draw satisfaction from them?

But you had so many friends then. You had considered them more trustful and helpful than Sam. You had told Sam once how well your friends understand you and Sam is just feelingless and cannot understand you. You had top politicians to diplomats, bureaucrats to lawyers, businessmen to intellectuals as your friends. They were rich, they were powerful and they were talented; they cared about you and they were able to help you not only with words but also with every mean. Sam was only able to help you emotionally, only with words. As he was poor he was unable to help you materially. Though he was ready to lay down his life to make you happy, you just ignored him. Where did all of them go now and you miss friends like Sam?

I don’t know. Majority of them sidelined themselves once I got married. A few were in touch for few years but later stopped communicating. I think they cared only about my body and remained faithful to me only until there was hope that they could get it. Once I got married their hope might have shattered and they sidelined themselves from me. Those who are around me now are there just because of my name, fame and money. I was left alone, I lacked a true friend and I rushed to meet Sam. But my fate had it not acceptable and Sam too left me without saying a word. (Jim started crying. Martha could say nothing. After a moment of silence, Martha said

Don’t cry; keep yourself in control. At least you realized what worth a real friend could be, what friendship is worth about, the meaning of a real friend. Friendship is not judged by what material help he or she can offer you but by how deeply he feels about you, not by what help can he or she offer to you but by to what extent can he go to help you. Sam must be seeing you now. His soul must be watching and listening you. He did not let me sleep all night. I am happy that his soul may now rest in peace.

(Jim was still crying.) Mom I want to talk to Sam alone. I want to say sorry to him. I need his forgiveness so that I could keep on living the rest of life in peace. Please show me the way to his grave. I want to sit with him for a while and bid goodbye to him.

And Martha took Jim to Sam’s grave and returned to the bungalow. Jim laid a bouquet of flowers over his grave and cried until it was evening. She returned to the bungalow in the evening. She could talk no more things with Martha. Without exchanging a single word, Martha and Jim spent the evening and went to the bed after dinner. Martha slept well that night, though Jim could not. Next morning Jim returned to the states on her private plane to carry on her usual business.

Two years later, there was a live coverage on many TV channels on a funeral of a very rich, beautiful and well-respected lady. Martha was also watching the coverage. It was none other than Jim’s funeral. TV channels were reporting that what Jim died of was not yet known and her doctors were quoted as saying that Jim’s health was normal. The reports also said that Jim had been living a kind of solitary life for the last two years. She had drastically cut her public appearances and she had willed almost all her property to be gone for a trust she had constituted a year ago in the name of her old friend called Sam, who died two years ago.

While watching the TV reports, Martha could not stop her tears. She sighed and said, ‘Poor girl. May her soul meet Sam’s in the heaven and they rest in peace forever.’