Would The Real God Please Stand Up?

Are people getting bored with their gods? Millions of people buy these tabloid newspapers with movie stars and nasty rumors pasted across front pages. Have we begun to worship Hollywood icons instead of our mythical gods? Since Christians, Muslims, Jews, and the likes can’t find any daring pictures of their holy ones, are they now turning their religious fervor to more believable gods, live ones?

Have we become obsessed with the likes of Tommy Cruise and Catie, Brad and Jol, Brittany and…what’s his name? Americans spend millions just to read about these iconic prima donnas. The British spend just as much money and time trying to catch a glimpse of Princes William and Harry in some compromising situation. Is the almighty Church of England falling to pieces?

Will we someday canonize Madonna, Angelina (with baby Suri in a manger scene), and Paris Hilton sculpted in marble with a wardrobe malfunction? Will our churches consist of flashing cameras and rose petals being thrown at the feet of Tyra Banks? Will our ministers sat on an “E” news set and preach of the second coming of TomCat’s second child born in Bethlehem with three Dianetic wise men bearing gifts of Ritalin and Zoloft?

These living gods are so much more interesting than the ones we read about in the Bible. They actually do things. The Christian god does nothing. He lets you scream in agony into your pillow every night because you’re starving. He let’s you give every penny you have to his holy servants. If you can’t leave home, you can send the title to your forty acres and a mule to Pat Robertson. Heck, that’s no fun. It’s definitely not as fun as watching Demi Moore walk into the academy award ceremonies with her eighteen year old lover. Get out of here. Christians beat that, will you?

By now, readers realize I am an atheist and not a man with spiritual tendencies. Sure, I’ll tune in an occasional down and dirty church service on television, but I enjoy watching facial expressions. That little beady-eyed guy, Benny Hinn, really makes me giggle. He had to be a nerd in school. Of course, I’ll never forget Jimmy Swaggart when he made those strange facial expressions while he confessed, “I have sinned against you.” Heck, he didn’t sin against me. It was his poor family he screwed up…hey but not his fortune. He’s still robbing the emotionally blind and his mentally empty followers.

As for me, currently I like the idea of worshiping Republican politicians. There’s never a dull moment. They’re always trying to cover their tracks and reading their bible, “Sex, Lies, And Video Tapes.” It such a fun pastime. Of course, I’ll never send them the title to my forty acres and a mule, I don’t own much thanks to their political belief system. In November, I will enjoy watching the Republicans fall like plastic soldiers in a child’s game, or like Jimmy Bakker in a prison game. I may change my belief system to Hillary Clinton or John Roberts. Hey! If god can be capricious, so can I.