Superman should have stayed on Krypton

I shelled out nine bucks last night and settled into a packed showing of Superman Returns at the local Marcus UltraScreen. Early reviews and trailers depicted lots of special effects, a couple story twists, and compelling acting by Brandon Routh (in his third film role). I noted Producer Bryan Singer's lengthy credits alongside other blockbuster efforts (such as X:2), read a couple of his interviews (he's been highlighted by every major magazine in the US), and therefore figured he could make a pretty darn-good Superman flick.

I was wrong.

Partly.

First of all, the action is spectacular; what you'd expect for a film that cost over 200 million to make (and millions more to market). At the same time, Peter Jackson's 207 million dollar epic King Kong looked a thousand times better and was nearly an hour longer. Go figure. In fact, Singer's Superman contained only about two scenes of REAL action. One featured as Superman's return-to-the-limelight-grand-appearence (after he'd been AWOL on Krypton for 5 years), while the latter wasn't even against bad guys...it was against Lex Luthor's (diabolically--but flatly--played by Kevin Spacey) Kryptonic-Crystal-creation.

This is a problem. In a 160 minute film that doesn't have the best story to work off of, you better have a whole lot of action to keep your audience (primarily teens and comic-book addicts) hooked. Bryan Singer failed woefully, giving us only one--I repeat: ONE--spectacular look at the Steel Man's super abilities (a bullet crunches and bounces off his eyeball). The other action is stilted and unimaginary, making even the heroic motifs of the original Superman theme (employed early and often by the movie's music composer John Ottman) feel hollow and listless.

There are a few moments of brilliance in the CGI, however. Whenever Superman takes to flight (fueled by sheer willpower) it is a beautiful thing. He takes a romantic "joyride" with Lois Lane (now living with the son of the Daily Planet's Editor....and--SURPRISE--a five-year-old son), and the effects are seamless. Skimming above the water, careening between buildings, slamming through walls, and burrowing through the earth, nothing can stop Superman--except green Kryptonite (of course). Lex Luthor finds Superman's Fortress of Solitude early in the film, and uses the knowledge gained there to craft yet another plan to make himself billions (and kill billions in the process, of course). At the same time, he ascertains Superman's weakness and uses it eventually (to disturbing on-screen results!).

The story is this: Superman returns (yes, really!) to Smallville after an extended hiatus on Krypton. All we ever hear of his five year pilgrimage is that the planet is a desolate graveyard. His mother (portrayed by Titanic's Eva Marie Saint) appears only twice, but gives Martha the sweet, yet weathered look she has earned over the long years. Kate Bosworth's role as the confused Lois Lane is her best yet, and she really burns as the reporter who is embittered against Superman for impregnating (oops! did I say that?!?) her and then leaving immediately after. It takes Superman the entire movie to win her loyalty back (she did--after all--write the Pulitzer-winning article "Why the World doesn't need Superman"), but he does...only to leave the question hanging--do they ever form any semblance of a REAL relationship (again)?

In between several meandering acts of service to his country as Superman re-establishes himself as the Savior of the world (complete with all of two decent lines of dialogue by the 'Man), the camera follows Kevin Spacey's twisted Lex Luthor character as he makes good on his plan to create a continent just off the East Coast and flood the rest of North America...thus monopolizing real estate and land and ultimately forcing the rest of the world ultimately to its knees...yadda yadda yadda. Coming from Luthor's mouth it sounds like the exact same mantra we've heard a thousand times before in similar movies, and we aren't even remotely scared of him, let alone his threats. (And why the senseless entourage of bumbling thugs and a girl who does........basically nothing but whine????)

All in all, this film has nothing spectacular to offer (outside of a couple isolated special effects moments) and is sunk with plot holes. As I watched the movie I wondered why Superman would go right up to Lex Luthor for a face-to-face confrontation when he knew Lex was aware of his weakness. (Just burn him with heat vision, for goodness sake!) Or why did being stabbed with Kryptonite and hurled off a thousand-plus foot peak into the ocean disable him for only a few minutes, while merely touching Kryptonite (and then falling again) send him to the hospital with...HEM...shall we say...more serious injuries. There are countless more holes in this blockBUSTer, but to go through them would be to give away more of the ridiculous plot than I already have; so I'll stop here. What makes the movie even more annoying is that, throughout its 2 and a half hours, I got the feeling that Bryan Singer actually felt like he had something worthwhile to tell--in the form of a story or philosophy. In all actuality, however, these moments of "profound brilliance" were about as senseless as Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and the Matrix Reloaded (both films that thought they had something 'cool' to say, but didn't).

I never thought I'd say this....but if you're looking for a good superhero flick to watch this year...check out X3: The Last Stand. At least THAT movie's horrible story has non-stop action to plug into, and pretty good acting (spearheaded by Sir Ian McKellen)!

With over 21 million dollars its first day in theatres, Superman is an easy bet for 100 million. But it'll be lucky if it passes up King Kong's numbers. Regardless of mine or anyone else's bad reviews of Superman Returns, practically everyone will see this film during its first week (as a matter of cultural literacy), but watch its second-week sales at the box office to plummet as heavily as the film's giant airliner does. (Now that might be the only sequence in the movie worth watching. But then again...how come Lois is thrown around in the plane for like five minutes and doesn’t even get scratched?!)

MY RATING: ** (out of 5)

Sam Van Eerden