Satirist Jonas Holmes: 'President Bush Suspends United States Constitution'
Jonas Holmes
June 01, 2006
Editor's Note: Amchron writer, Jonas Holmes, offers a hyperbolic news headline and accompanying story for our readers:
President George Bush called an emergency staff meeting two nights ago in which he temporarily suspended the United States Constitution. Today the Congress is expected to ratify the transition of power to the Executive Branch via a little known provision contained in the Patriot Act. The president will be speaking to the nation some time this week. The President’s Press Secretary, Tony Snow, says the President will explain to the nation that US Intelligence has learned of a grave threat to National Security. In order for the President to effectively combat this threat to freedom and democracy he must temporarily suspend the Constitution. This is so he can effectively marshal US forces as Commander in Chief. Additionally, Mr. Snow said, that the President will not be able to specifically identify the terror threat currently faced by the United States because Americans do not have the proper clearances to receive this information. A program is available for all US citizens with proper identification to go to their local Post Office. After presenting their documentation each citizen will be given a brief presentation and information about the Terror threat. Contained within these documents will be information on how each citizen can help fight this Terror Threat in there own neighborhood.
A recent poll by DRT Research surveyed a number of Americans. The question they asked is, “Do you support the War on Terrorism? At least 90% of those surveyed say they strongly support the War on Terrorism. Another survey by the Naze Group show almost 100% of Americans would rather suspend the Constitution then get hit by Weapons of Mass Destruction.
As of the announcement, two days ago, several changes have occurred in the Department of Defense. These changes include the retirement of three generals and the resignation of two. Other changes include record numbers of one way tickets being purchased at all major airlines in the country. Also, there have reportedly been several clashes within the US military although these reports are not confirmed. Sources have confirmed that the President expects the suspension to last no less than six to twelve months.
http://www.synonym.com/definition/assumed
President George Bush called an emergency staff meeting two nights ago in which he temporarily suspended the United States Constitution. Today the Congress is expected to ratify the transition of power to the Executive Branch via a little known provision contained in the Patriot Act. The president will be speaking to the nation some time this week. The President’s Press Secretary, Tony Snow, says the President will explain to the nation that US Intelligence has learned of a grave threat to National Security. In order for the President to effectively combat this threat to freedom and democracy he must temporarily suspend the Constitution. This is so he can effectively marshal US forces as Commander in Chief. Additionally, Mr. Snow said, that the President will not be able to specifically identify the terror threat currently faced by the United States because Americans do not have the proper clearances to receive this information. A program is available for all US citizens with proper identification to go to their local Post Office. After presenting their documentation each citizen will be given a brief presentation and information about the Terror threat. Contained within these documents will be information on how each citizen can help fight this Terror Threat in there own neighborhood.
A recent poll by DRT Research surveyed a number of Americans. The question they asked is, “Do you support the War on Terrorism? At least 90% of those surveyed say they strongly support the War on Terrorism. Another survey by the Naze Group show almost 100% of Americans would rather suspend the Constitution then get hit by Weapons of Mass Destruction.
As of the announcement, two days ago, several changes have occurred in the Department of Defense. These changes include the retirement of three generals and the resignation of two. Other changes include record numbers of one way tickets being purchased at all major airlines in the country. Also, there have reportedly been several clashes within the US military although these reports are not confirmed. Sources have confirmed that the President expects the suspension to last no less than six to twelve months.
http://www.synonym.com/definition/assumed
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