How To Chase The Money Lenders Out Of The Temples And Into Your Home

Was Jesus married to Mary Magdalene? Did they have kids? Fred and Anna Maria Christ? Fred never learned to walk on water because his feet lost their webbing through evolution. Anna worked the streets of Bethlehem trying to turn a few tricks. It takes money to keep the church going (they didn?t have televangelists back then). Jesus wrote his own novel, ?How To Chase Money Lenders Out Of The Temple And Into Your Home.? Great book, I?ve read it twice.

A friend of mine sent me a copy of George Carlin?s perception of God; funny stuff. He makes a good point though; he stated he prays to Joe Pesci and gets better results than praying to the big guy in the sky. I have never prayed to Joe, but I may start. Joe being God makes more sense than God being God. Joe?s nicer and doesn?t want to send nonbelievers like me to a fiery pit to burn eternally.

Let?s face it, God doesn?t even have a name. God isn?t a name. Tim, Meri, Mac, Brooks, Skip, Fredrick, Patrick, and Michelle -- those are names. Those are names you can sink your teeth in, not that I would sink my teeth into anyone. I have rabies and don't want to start a pandemic.

I never understood this Jesus fellow. He and God, and the Holy ghost guy are three different people, yet they?re one. So, when Jesus was out in the garden of Gethsemane he was praying to himself and when he was stretched out on that cross he was giving himself, some nonsense when he asked, ?Why hast thou forsaken me?? In other words, he was either hallucinating or simply having a nervous breakdown. Hard to say really; my guess is that he had been eating too many olive branches. I mean, I see guys walking down the street talking to themselves, all the time. I never ask their names, but I?d be willing to bet my nicest robe that none of them are Jesus and that most of them are taking some kind of psychotropic medication.

I think people are getting way too excited about this ?DaVinci Code? thing. So what if the Bible got it wrong? What do you expect from some King named James? Kings aren?t Jesus experts are they? Now, if Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson wrote the Bible it would be flawless. I can tell you if Tammy Faye wrote it, it would be more fun to read. They could have episodes of Tammy?s Official Bible on MTV. Maybe the series would be called Surreal TV.