Is Your Friend Adopting? 20 Things Not to Ask About the Birth Mom

Your friend has just announced that she is going to pursue adoption to build her family. Whether this is her first child or her eighth, this decision is a big one. It's special and personal. She may have many fears of that which she doesn't have any control over, and yet also resigned to the fact that this is the right path. She may not talk about it frequently or it may be something she enthusiastically updates you on every time you chat.

It's natural for you to have questions and curiosity about how the whole adoption process works. You may even be concerned for her feelings. You don't want to see her hurt or disappointed. But hold back on your questions and give her respect and privacy regarding the adoption. She will share what she desires in her own time.

I've provided some things that most adoptive moms have been asked from well-intentioned best friends to curious strangers. Regardless of who says them, the remarks still hurt. Be a true friend by being aware of what not to say during this precious time in your friend's life.

1] Why did she give him up?

2] Do you know if she smokes or takes drugs? Do you know how that can affect a baby?

3] How much does she drink do you think?

4] Has she even seen a doctor while she's pregnant?

5] Does she have mental problems?

6] What does it say about a person who can give her baby to a total stranger?

7] What will you do if she changes her mind?

8] Hasn't she ever heard of birth control?

9] Where is her family in this picture? I wonder why her parents won't just help her raise the baby.

10] Are you expected to just pay for all of the medical costs? I've heard stories where the gal never plans to give the baby up. She just gets everything paid for and then says she had changed her mind and takes off.

11] What if she changes her mind? How could you not give her the child back?

12] If she gets knocked up again will she expect you to raise that one too?

13] Aren't you terrified if she sees her she will want her back? I wouldn't agree to any reunions.

14] How can she not want to see any pictures of her own child? How cold is it to just move on with your life and forget the baby?

15] How sure are you that she is really being honest about what she shares?

16] What is her ethnicity? Have you ever question what her motive may be in giving her child specifically to you?

17] How can she keep her other children and give him up?

18] She just torturing herself by wanting to have an open adoption. Wouldn't everyone be better off if she just stayed out of the picture?

19] Do you think there are parts of her medical history she's not telling you about?

20] What can you possibly tell your child about his birth mom some day that won't make him feel bad?

If you are the friend of a mom who is adopting you may have read a few of the comments above and remember saying them. Or perhaps some were on the tip of your tongue and you held back because it just didn't feel like the right thing to say. Maybe some of these comments horrified you and you cannot even image anyone saying them. Sadly, most adoptive moms have heard them, though from different sources.

I personally want to say thanks for being a caring friend and reading this article. Explain to your friend who is adopting, "I really care about you and am excited about your adoption. But I don't always know what okay to say or what may be tacky. Please let me know when I stick my foot in my mouth so I don't do it again."

There is no such thing as a perfect friend, but those who go the extra mile to care enough to understand our needs is one of those most precious gifts we can ask for.

Adoption baby books make the perfect personalized gift for an adopting family. Scrapbook My Adoption uses transparency overlays, digital files or embellishments to make it simple to have a beautiful lifebook your friend will treasure. Find more useful checklists for friends of those who are adopting at scrapbookmyadoption.com