Permission to Share Tears "It's okay to cry at funerals"

Permission to grieve. For some reason, many of us need permission to grieve publicly.

I will never forget a funeral I attended years ago when the pastor shared tears from the pulpit after a friend in the congregation died. This person's life mattered so much, the moment touched everyone including the pastor. It doesn't happen often and so when it does, it's memorable. This moment was not lost on me.

At most of my services, I don't cry. Funeral folk will call it professional not to shed a tear. But, I am a softie. Much like my sister who died in 2004, much like my sister who lives in Wisconsin, we have compassion and are sensitive. When we're touched by something poignant or an emotional story, tears build or sometimes roll down our cheeks. A male friend of mine cries at movies and Hallmark commercials. But at his young sister's funeral, he wore sunglasses so no one would see him crying, so he could be alone in his grief.

Why isn't it okay to cry at funerals? Who made it not okay? Why do we have to hold our feelings in? If a life mattered, why can't we cry?

Families often tell me they don't want crying at the funeral. Huh? Someone died, we're going to cry. After I explain this is part of the process, they double-check, "It's okay to cry? Are you sure?"

Family members also apologize to me for crying in our meetings. I tell them it's okay and I cry along with them. The grief is raw and you never forget who you cry with, that is a fact.

Truth be told, there are times in funeral services when I do shed tears. When a speaker shares a powerful story or when I am asked to read something so personal and beautifully written, a few tears may fall. I speak through tears and regain my composure quickly, of course. Don't misunderstand, I'm not sobbing up front. But, when I'm moved, how can I hide it? Has any family member ever complained? No family has ever complained to me. Not once. In fact, they thank me for being human and caring enough about their loved one to grab a tissue and share tears with them. Only one time in nearly four years, an elderly man (not a family member) approached me after a service when I shed tears at a service. He barked at me from the end of the receiving line, "This business is getting to you when you cry. You don't see me crying."

Are we weak when we cry? I don't think so. This reminds me that the side family rooms at funeral homes are outdated. They should be removed. It's absurd to think the family has to hide because they might show emotion. Someone has died, which is absolute permission to cry.

To the Celebrants and Funeral Directors reading this, isn't it better that we share a few tears with the family to show we're listening? Yes, absolutely. Of course, I have witnessed the opposite. I have seen clergy fall asleep at funerals. When it is their turn to speak, I have to nudge them to wake them to read a prayer. It's happened more than once. Is that better than sharing tears? No. I have seen clergy read through a folder of materials while relatives of the deceased speak at a funeral service, paying no attention to what is being said. Are their personal readings or taxes more important during the funeral than listening to personal words? I think not. I would much rather see clergy shed a tear or two, if for no other reason, to show that they are listening to what's being said. I've seen organists, soloists and funeral staff shed tears, so why not the officiant? Is it so wrong?

Of course, people are still confused at defining a Celebrant's role. I'll never forget when a Celebrant friend of mine was introduced at a writer's meeting as a "professional mourner." (Is there such a job?) The leader announced, "She's a Funeral Celebrant which means she works as a professional mourner. If you want someone to attend your funeral and cry out loud with feeling, hire her. In case no one else cries, she'll sob at your funeral. Isn't that great?" We looked at each other dumbfounded and laughed. He had no idea what a Celebrant did in a funeral service or how we work with families and get into their bucket of grief. Crying to him was a joke. It's not a joke, grief is real.

So, this holiday seaosn, my advice: it's okay to cry.

Feel free to shed tears over the loss of a loved one or the loss of a pet. Feel free to shed tears over a movie or a Hallmark commercial. Feel free to show emotion. You'll feel better after you do...

While there is power in laughter, there is also power in the sharing of tears. This holiday season, I know I will follow my tears with smiles, because of all the memories of those I've lost. This holiday season is a time to feel free to show emotion and remember...

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