The Trouble with Husbands
Gardenia Ramos-Banos
April 16, 2006
Being a full-fledged housewife has opened up a whole new world for me. Although I?ve never been on a magic carpet ride with Aladdin, my experiences are not that too different with Princess Jasmine?s - a lot of bumps and surprises along the way with emotions soaring high or low in every turn. And like a collection of multi-faceted gems, each role I carry : wife, mother, friend, playmate, manager of the household ( the list goes on and on)... is equally valuable as the rest. And the most interesting of them all is when I play the ?unofficial shrink? to my co-members of the female species.
Over the years, the friendships I?ve nurtured with them are more personal than spectacular ( me being confined to a home-school-church-grocery routine), but the secrets they shared are realer-than-real as they are. What do women talk about when we gather? Endless. It is kind of therapeutic for us to talk about our lives, our joys, our dreams, and of course...our husbands. May this essay (however one-sided it may be) serve as an eye-opener to WHOEVER you are, bearing in mind that in this world there are no such things as perfect husbands.
MY HUSBAND IS SO INCONSIDERATE AND THOUGHTLESS : This, I scale as the number one trouble most wives complain about. How? When Alice was sick due to over fatigue one night, she woke her snoring husband and asked him to get her some medicine or boil some hot water for her chill. He went out grumbling and disappeared. Two hours later, Alice managed (barely!) to get up at dawn and found her dear hubby peacefully sleeping on their couch.. How else?
Mayette called her husband in the office one stormy afternoon because she and her school kids couldn?t get a ride, and could he just fetch them so they could all go home together? Her husband said he was in the middle of an important meeting and may take yet another hour to end. So she had no choice but to brave the heavy downpour along with her kids, bringing the heavy schoolbags and raced for the jeepney ( which arrived after 30 minutes ). Completely drenched now, they got pushed and squeezed by the other eagerly waiting passengers before they finally reached home past eight in the evening. Her husband was already in, comfortably stretched in the sofa, watching TV. The house was a mess with the lunch dishes still in the sink waiting to be washed and dinner had yet to be prepared. Yet her husband did nothing and even told her to hurry up because he was already starving.
Sad to say but true, that some husbands fail to realize that their wives are not superwomen. We feel tired and get sick, too. And in these moments, we badly need your sympathy and personal care. We want your understanding when we have our wretched monthly periods. We wish you would remember birthdates, anniversaries and other special ocassions. We need your reassuring hug and kisses on a weary day. We like to hear kind words like PLEASE, THANK YOU and I?M SORRY. Are we asking too much?
MY HUSBAND DOESN?T TRUST ME WITH HIS MONEY : This revelation startles me most. You may call it old-fashioned, but I still believe a husband?s first call in life is to provide for his family. Our pre-nuptial lecturer once joked about the meaning of wedding coins - man surrenders to wife his earnings...now it is her privilege to spend it! But what happened to a number of my friends is no joke.
Maila?s husband is engaged in a lending business. He gives her a fixed amount of money every month. Fine. But sometimes, a wife falls short because of unexpected expenses, so she goes to him for more money - and guess what? Her husband makes her sign an IOU first and this amount will be deducted outright from her next month?s allocation. No wonder Maila?s budget keeps falling shorter every time. And no wonder she succumbed to the tempting ?maintenance? offer of another guy.
Sohura?s story is even worse. They?ve been married for seven years now but she doesn?t have an inkling on how much her husband is earning. He never turns over his pay envelope, and he personally pays for the rent, monthly bills and even does the marketing himself. Sohura was forced to fend for herself because every time she goes to him for her personal needs - they quarrel. In the end, Sohura could take no more and filed for an annulment of their marriage. Can she survive alone? She answered a definite YES and maybe, she?ll be better off without him. I could never find out why these men act the way they do, but if I ever have a husband like hers, I won?t have second thoughts about feeding him to the hogs!
MY HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR : Perhaps the most common lament of wives these days, which is almost regarded as natural as the line that ? boys will be boys?. When a wife confesses this problem, she gets the sympathetic shaking of the heads that could simply mean she caught an ordinary disease ( like measles and sore eyes )...so don?t worry and let it pass. But can it ever justify the act of unfaithfulness?
Marriage is a commitment. forget the sacred part if you don?t believe in that crap, but didn?t we promise to each other that ? I will love you forever and there?ll be no one else?? Yet, some husbands instantly forget that when they?re with someone younger, prettier, or better in bed than their wife. Ask him why and most likely, you won?t get any clear answer except that, it doesn?t mean daw they no longer love the wife.
Karen is a dedicated wife and mother for five years. She surrendered her job as her husband wanted the family to come first. She devoted her time at home and gave her husband round-the-clock VIP treatment. She believed that a man would not cast his eyes somewhere if he is satisfied and happy at home. She was wrong. He met this GRO (Guest Relations Officer) and got involved. Karen?s whole world collapsed and she?s still being treated for nervous breakdown until now. Will she take him back if he asks for another chance? Yes. She can forgive him, but cannot forget the pain and anguish he has caused her. She even partly blames herself for his infidelity. And what about trust? Can it be easily repaired after it?s broken?
Cindy?s husband is also involved with another woman, but hers is the incurable one. She stopped counting the times when she had to beg one woman after the other just to break off with her husband. But why does she bear all these? Because she loves him. And because when he?s not occupied with chasing other women, he really is just a good, homely man. So she?d rather stay in this black hole where no light can pass through, than being without a husband. I wonder what kind of love it must be.
MY HUSBAND TREATS ME LIKE A RAG : I thought my head would explode when I heard these confessions. I get mad at the husbands for being so rude, but mostly, I?m madder at the wives for letting their husbands treat them this way. Gina?s husband is a well-known party-goer but she rarely goes out with him because of his nasty habit of humiliating her in front of their friends. In one inaugural dinner they attended together, she left her husband in the middle of everything when he started telling jokes about her lousy cooking and bad taste in fashion. Everyone was laughing like crazy while she slowly dissolved in shame. She expected her husband to chase her and apologize, but he remained. When he reached home, he slapped Gina because ?napahiya daw siya? (he lost face) with what she did. That was the last party Gina ever attended.
Nadia?s marriage ended years ago. Although they still live together under one roof, she sleeps in a separate room with their only child. Her husband is a habitual drunk, and many times he would barge into her room and rape her, while their daughter slumbered nearby. She could not shout or fight for fear that her daughter might witness the bestiality being done to her own mother. Why do these women gulp down these abuses in silence? There are more stories of maltreatment that wives told me ...husband locking her out of their house when she got home at 9 PM; husband throwing a glass of cold water on her face during a family gathering; husband forcing her to perform filthy sexual acts; and so on and on. Stories that would make your head spin, and which you thought only happened in the movies.
MY HUSBAND IS MAMA?S BOY : Don?t laugh now, but this is a true story. Donna has been keeping this burden all their married life, hoping for things to change someday. But it?s been more than ten years already and still her husband?s attachment to his mother endures. I have no problem with men being close to their mothers, but Donna?s problem is not normal. Her husband spends more time with her mother than with his own wife and children, and follows more of her suggestions than that of his wife?s, and this often causes a rift between the couple. Donna knows her mother-in law hated her for the obvious reason that she had taken away the family?s favorite son. But she wished that her husband would grow up and be man enough to stand up for her.
Another friend who married a mama?s pet is Marian. Her husband is the youngest of three children and when their father passed away, her mother hanged on to his neck endlessly. Marian thought things would pass after the healing period, but it didn?t. Things got worse when Mother decided to move in and live with them because her husband always took his mother?s side when they had a quarrel. What would she do? Is it a sin to wish somebody dead ?
I?ve been carrying these burdens unconsciously within me. Sometimes the thought that it might happen to me makes me shudder. But these are also those who got lucky: the ones who are blessed with loving, responsible and mature partners in life; whose husbands treat them with pride and respect and will never leave them for someone else. I count myself one of them. And though my life with him isn?t exactly trouble-free, I thank God for helping me choose the right man. (and I recall the lyrics of that song from ?The Sound of Music?...for somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good....)
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Over the years, the friendships I?ve nurtured with them are more personal than spectacular ( me being confined to a home-school-church-grocery routine), but the secrets they shared are realer-than-real as they are. What do women talk about when we gather? Endless. It is kind of therapeutic for us to talk about our lives, our joys, our dreams, and of course...our husbands. May this essay (however one-sided it may be) serve as an eye-opener to WHOEVER you are, bearing in mind that in this world there are no such things as perfect husbands.
MY HUSBAND IS SO INCONSIDERATE AND THOUGHTLESS : This, I scale as the number one trouble most wives complain about. How? When Alice was sick due to over fatigue one night, she woke her snoring husband and asked him to get her some medicine or boil some hot water for her chill. He went out grumbling and disappeared. Two hours later, Alice managed (barely!) to get up at dawn and found her dear hubby peacefully sleeping on their couch.. How else?
Mayette called her husband in the office one stormy afternoon because she and her school kids couldn?t get a ride, and could he just fetch them so they could all go home together? Her husband said he was in the middle of an important meeting and may take yet another hour to end. So she had no choice but to brave the heavy downpour along with her kids, bringing the heavy schoolbags and raced for the jeepney ( which arrived after 30 minutes ). Completely drenched now, they got pushed and squeezed by the other eagerly waiting passengers before they finally reached home past eight in the evening. Her husband was already in, comfortably stretched in the sofa, watching TV. The house was a mess with the lunch dishes still in the sink waiting to be washed and dinner had yet to be prepared. Yet her husband did nothing and even told her to hurry up because he was already starving.
Sad to say but true, that some husbands fail to realize that their wives are not superwomen. We feel tired and get sick, too. And in these moments, we badly need your sympathy and personal care. We want your understanding when we have our wretched monthly periods. We wish you would remember birthdates, anniversaries and other special ocassions. We need your reassuring hug and kisses on a weary day. We like to hear kind words like PLEASE, THANK YOU and I?M SORRY. Are we asking too much?
MY HUSBAND DOESN?T TRUST ME WITH HIS MONEY : This revelation startles me most. You may call it old-fashioned, but I still believe a husband?s first call in life is to provide for his family. Our pre-nuptial lecturer once joked about the meaning of wedding coins - man surrenders to wife his earnings...now it is her privilege to spend it! But what happened to a number of my friends is no joke.
Maila?s husband is engaged in a lending business. He gives her a fixed amount of money every month. Fine. But sometimes, a wife falls short because of unexpected expenses, so she goes to him for more money - and guess what? Her husband makes her sign an IOU first and this amount will be deducted outright from her next month?s allocation. No wonder Maila?s budget keeps falling shorter every time. And no wonder she succumbed to the tempting ?maintenance? offer of another guy.
Sohura?s story is even worse. They?ve been married for seven years now but she doesn?t have an inkling on how much her husband is earning. He never turns over his pay envelope, and he personally pays for the rent, monthly bills and even does the marketing himself. Sohura was forced to fend for herself because every time she goes to him for her personal needs - they quarrel. In the end, Sohura could take no more and filed for an annulment of their marriage. Can she survive alone? She answered a definite YES and maybe, she?ll be better off without him. I could never find out why these men act the way they do, but if I ever have a husband like hers, I won?t have second thoughts about feeding him to the hogs!
MY HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR : Perhaps the most common lament of wives these days, which is almost regarded as natural as the line that ? boys will be boys?. When a wife confesses this problem, she gets the sympathetic shaking of the heads that could simply mean she caught an ordinary disease ( like measles and sore eyes )...so don?t worry and let it pass. But can it ever justify the act of unfaithfulness?
Marriage is a commitment. forget the sacred part if you don?t believe in that crap, but didn?t we promise to each other that ? I will love you forever and there?ll be no one else?? Yet, some husbands instantly forget that when they?re with someone younger, prettier, or better in bed than their wife. Ask him why and most likely, you won?t get any clear answer except that, it doesn?t mean daw they no longer love the wife.
Karen is a dedicated wife and mother for five years. She surrendered her job as her husband wanted the family to come first. She devoted her time at home and gave her husband round-the-clock VIP treatment. She believed that a man would not cast his eyes somewhere if he is satisfied and happy at home. She was wrong. He met this GRO (Guest Relations Officer) and got involved. Karen?s whole world collapsed and she?s still being treated for nervous breakdown until now. Will she take him back if he asks for another chance? Yes. She can forgive him, but cannot forget the pain and anguish he has caused her. She even partly blames herself for his infidelity. And what about trust? Can it be easily repaired after it?s broken?
Cindy?s husband is also involved with another woman, but hers is the incurable one. She stopped counting the times when she had to beg one woman after the other just to break off with her husband. But why does she bear all these? Because she loves him. And because when he?s not occupied with chasing other women, he really is just a good, homely man. So she?d rather stay in this black hole where no light can pass through, than being without a husband. I wonder what kind of love it must be.
MY HUSBAND TREATS ME LIKE A RAG : I thought my head would explode when I heard these confessions. I get mad at the husbands for being so rude, but mostly, I?m madder at the wives for letting their husbands treat them this way. Gina?s husband is a well-known party-goer but she rarely goes out with him because of his nasty habit of humiliating her in front of their friends. In one inaugural dinner they attended together, she left her husband in the middle of everything when he started telling jokes about her lousy cooking and bad taste in fashion. Everyone was laughing like crazy while she slowly dissolved in shame. She expected her husband to chase her and apologize, but he remained. When he reached home, he slapped Gina because ?napahiya daw siya? (he lost face) with what she did. That was the last party Gina ever attended.
Nadia?s marriage ended years ago. Although they still live together under one roof, she sleeps in a separate room with their only child. Her husband is a habitual drunk, and many times he would barge into her room and rape her, while their daughter slumbered nearby. She could not shout or fight for fear that her daughter might witness the bestiality being done to her own mother. Why do these women gulp down these abuses in silence? There are more stories of maltreatment that wives told me ...husband locking her out of their house when she got home at 9 PM; husband throwing a glass of cold water on her face during a family gathering; husband forcing her to perform filthy sexual acts; and so on and on. Stories that would make your head spin, and which you thought only happened in the movies.
MY HUSBAND IS MAMA?S BOY : Don?t laugh now, but this is a true story. Donna has been keeping this burden all their married life, hoping for things to change someday. But it?s been more than ten years already and still her husband?s attachment to his mother endures. I have no problem with men being close to their mothers, but Donna?s problem is not normal. Her husband spends more time with her mother than with his own wife and children, and follows more of her suggestions than that of his wife?s, and this often causes a rift between the couple. Donna knows her mother-in law hated her for the obvious reason that she had taken away the family?s favorite son. But she wished that her husband would grow up and be man enough to stand up for her.
Another friend who married a mama?s pet is Marian. Her husband is the youngest of three children and when their father passed away, her mother hanged on to his neck endlessly. Marian thought things would pass after the healing period, but it didn?t. Things got worse when Mother decided to move in and live with them because her husband always took his mother?s side when they had a quarrel. What would she do? Is it a sin to wish somebody dead ?
I?ve been carrying these burdens unconsciously within me. Sometimes the thought that it might happen to me makes me shudder. But these are also those who got lucky: the ones who are blessed with loving, responsible and mature partners in life; whose husbands treat them with pride and respect and will never leave them for someone else. I count myself one of them. And though my life with him isn?t exactly trouble-free, I thank God for helping me choose the right man. (and I recall the lyrics of that song from ?The Sound of Music?...for somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good....)
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