Scottish Celebrant Part One: First Full-Time Professional Funeral Celebrant in Scotland Finds Niche Helping Families
Pam Vetter
October 06, 2008
Neil understands the importance of funerals as he's been helping families for three years in Scotland.
"I know of several funeral directors who say they know exactly what will be said at a funeral because certain officients say almost the same things at EVERY FUNERAL; the impression that is given is that this is the same funeral as the last time, only the name has changed. This is unacceptable," Neil stressed. "Everyone deserves the best funeral possible by people who want to do the best for the family and have made this their vocation in life. The funeral must be delivered by properly trained, accredited celebrants and people who have been trained in the art of public speaking. When it comes to my funeral, I hope the celebrant will speak with passion and sincerity and leave people feeling 'that was the best funeral I have ever attended.'"
Within the community that Neil serves in Fife, Pittenweem and many parts of central Scotland, families, particularly those who have little or no connection with established churches, are warmly receiving his services.
"More and more people today are willing to state exactly what they want to take place at a funeral of their loved ones. At the end of the day, the family's needs, wants and wishes come first. This is arguably the most important day in that person´s life and families want to know they are being listened to and respected. I receive hundreds of letters and emails from families telling me thanks with sentiments such as:
1. You showed great compassion and made it so easy for us to talk about our dad and remember the good times.
2. We all felt that we'd helped to contribute and were included in his final send off. Where normally we would have been somber and heavy-hearted, we felt happy to talk about him and we were finally ready to let him go.
3. All went well just the way mum wanted it to go.
4. Many thanks for your most excellent manner in which you conducted the service for our dad, you reached the same emotional level of the large audience and spoke with great sincerity and passion.
5. You made such a difficult day a whole lot easier. My Dad would have loved it. He would have loved the humour, the phone ringing and even a round of applause.
6. Just a few words to thank you for the excellent Service you afforded my son - everybody at the Service who knew him thought it was spot on. Other people who did not know him - my own personal friends etc - said they felt they knew him after the sensitive way you put his personality across. After all words on a piece of paper only have the desired impact when expressed by someone such as yourself. This is why my family prefer a Civil Ceremony - the Service is about the person we are grieving and you did us proud - we are deeply indebted to you.
"I have so many stories like this which answer the question about whether families are receptive to civil funerals or not," Neil noted. "I once got a call from a Funeral Director. 'Please Neil, can you help us out, a church officient was initially asked to do this service but the family were so appalled that the individual only spent fifteen minutes with the family, asked very few questions about their dad and left. The funeral is in 48 hours, can you help?' I am pretty sure that phone call came in about 4pm in the afternoon, I was on my way home for supper but turned back straight away to visit the family. I spent around an hour and a half with the family and simply listened to them and how they wanted their dad's life to be celebrated. That's all they wanted, someone to listen to them and to respect them. When a celebrant visits a family he or she is basically 'on their side.' They are not there to promote religious teachings or humanistic philosophy, they simply want to give the family the service they want and need. There is no hidden agenda, no preaching. The service is created 'bottom up' rather than 'top down' and that means the families wishes are respected above all else."
Neil always delivers exactly what the family requests. Once when he was called to a family home, it was clear that the family knew exactly what they wanted.
"I was informed that the service was to last no more than 3-5 minutes. Now there is within all of us a temptation to say to a family 'But wouldn't you like this? Why not do that?' I almost felt as if I was short changing the family by writing a five minute service and by having a family interview that last ten to fifteen minutes. So I gave the family the service they asked for. I did not judge, I merely served and conducted the service exactly as they had requested. Three weeks later, I received a beautiful hand written note from the family thanking me for the lovely service and substantial 'gift' inside. Need I say more about how a celebrant can make a difference?"
As each story shared is diverse, depending upon the life of the decedent, Neil offers a listening ear by allowing a family the space to talk as much or as little as they want. The result of being in tune with the family appears in the funeral service.
"I was speaking to a professional speaker at a funeral recently and he said one of the great things about Civil Funerals is that the material is different every single time. It is a true privilege to be invited into someone´s home and for them to open their hearts on such things as 'Why they deeply loved their dad?' 'What was it about their mum they were so proud of?' and 'What will always make them laugh and smile?' Sometimes the stories families share are incredibly funny and on the day of the funeral I have literally had people rolling in the aisles with laughter. Not that it is our job to 'entertain'. We are there simply to paint the best picture possible of the deceased and most importantly, by the way we deliver the message, with warmth, authenticity and passion we almost 'bring the deceased to life' if you pardon the expression. In my three years, I have covered every story imaginable from families tragically bereaved through murder to families whose dad was a natural comedian and wanted everyone to leave the funeral with a tea bag as he (the deceased) wanted the congregation to 'have a drink on him' at the funeral – boom boom!" Neil shared. "Although not at my funeral, I heard a story of woman who instead of having flowers that said 'Just married' in the back of the car said 'Just Dead.' She also had the most amazing collection of shoes and again like tin cans trailing behind a wedding car had all her shoes trailing behind her hearse – and why not? I have been asked to sing songs and tell stories with inoffensive swearing in them. That is our job to celebrate the life story of someone who was clearly loved by that family.
"A celebrant is someone who is trusted. They are entrusted with the precious life story and are asked to skilfully deliver that story as the family's advocate. A funeral is one of the few days in someone's life that cannot be repeated," Neil reminded. "I also firmly believe that celebrants should be diplomatic, calm, tactful and humble. It's not about me being a 'performer'; it's about the family, every time. Although in saying that a professional celebrant is a performer and an artist and every funeral must be his or her 'best performance'."
In serving both religious and non-religious families, Neil will honor a family's wishes. If a family asks for no religious references, he delivers exactly what they want. In turn, if a family requests prayers, scripture or for religious elements to be added to a service, he will also honor the request.
"One of the things I enjoyed about doing the Diploma in Civil Funeral Celebrancy from the International College of Celebrancy in Australia is that it gave me the opportunity to outline the social, political and legal differences between Scotland and Australia. During the course, I argued that, unlike Australia, the starting point for celebrants in Scotland is not secularism but simply where the family are at. The family may be religious, semi-religious, lapsed or non-religious. There is no starting point except the family's wishes and beliefs. It is very common to interview a family and find a variety of beliefs and faiths in the one room. I have had occasions where the deceased was a church goer, the widower was an atheist, one son was an agnostic and one daughter was 'neutral'. Whose needs come first?-well everyone's. That is the great thing about Civil Funerals you can tailor the service to meet all of these needs and everyone feels respected and listened to. I am very happy to sing hymns, say prayers or read from the scriptures. But equally I am happy to have the Monty Python song 'Always look on the bright side of life', have an eight-year-old granddaughter read a poem she wrote for her grandma and have the deceased best friend offer their own tribute. Anything and everything is possible …I think! Why make the day more difficult than it needs to be? Why come into the family home, as the officient, and make your needs more important than the family's needs. I am the servant, I am the spokesperson, I am facilitator – I am there to give the family the service they deserve."
A second article in the series about Celebrant Neil Dorward's work is available at the following link: Scottish Celebrant Part Two: Professional Celebrant Embraces "Everything Goes" Attitude in Funeral Service by Serving a Family's Needs.
For more information visit Celebrant Neil Dorward's website: www.bespokecivilceremonies.co.uk.
Pictured: Professional Celebrant Neil Dorward.
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