DEAR WITBONES: Sex On A Harley-Davidson?

WITBONES – "Ask A Humorist!" is a new advice column for the laughlorn by humorist B. Elwin Sherman. This time out, he tackles a driving question on motorcycling.

DEAR WITBONES:

I have a sex question, and please don´t think I´m crazy: My wife and I have an active sex life, and we love to experiment with different ways and places to get it on. Recently, she suggested having sex on our Harley-Davidson. I like the idea, but I´m worried that we could crack up (and it´s a new bike!). Any helpful hints on how to keep it safe without giving up the thrills? Signed: HOGGIN´ IT IN HERMOSA BEACH

Dear HOGGIN´:

To avoid serious injury and/or divorce, your question deserves an entire WITBONES column, so I´m devoting this one to you. You wouldn´t be the first couple to do the deed on a motorcycle, but if you´re not careful, you could be the last (in your lives, anyway). Yes, there certainly are a few cautions to consider:

First, congrats on the new bike! I´d start out with the breaking-in advice my Harley dealer gave me when we got our new Road King: "Baby it for the first 600 miles, then ride it like you stole it."

Same principle applies here, and I´d begin as you would normally in foreplay with only some soft kissing (no tongues) and light upper body caresses with the bike on the kickstand. Wear all your leathers. Engine can be on or off, but if it´s on, that will limit you, time-wise. It´s okay for YOU to overheat, but not your air-cooled engine! Either way, your hog should be stationary and both of you must remain in traditional riding postures during these initial phases of lovemaking.

If you want to preface this activity with a visit to a biker bar, a day-long ride with your H.O.G. buddies, or a shopping spree in your Harley-Davidson dealer's clothes & accessories department, it will only serve to later heighten your pleasure.

From there, work your way into short jaunts around town (out of town would be better. WAY out.). Now, you must master what sex therapists call "the art of distraction," i.e. how to keep your bodies always in synch with the machine. Erotic pleasures can rapidly evaporate when you suddenly encounter an off-road stationary object. You might find that it didn´t lessen your libido, but, trust me; your wife will never ride with you again.

Take your stimulating cues from Harley´s new six-speed transmissions. This gives you an extra level of arousal, and an opportunity to include another plateau of delight. For example, you can add heavy petting to light smacking, or playful biting to firm nibbling, but don´t lose sight of your RPM´s. Also, if you just think of the mechanics of operating a motorcycle as a general guide to sensual techniques, you´ll find yourselves naturally making the right moves: Throttling-up, releasing, clutching, shifting, re-engaging – and all the while increasing your overall speed and distance as everything else passes by you, and you go faster and deeper into the countryside.

Don´t forget the brakes! (See: objects, stationary). How you apply them, either front or rear, should be instinctive and in harmony with your environment. And, remember to always accelerate coming out of a curve.

Positions? Once you´ve reduced your outer garments to a maximum of chaps, (clothes made specifically for what we´ll call "ease of facilitation") how you then set yourselves on your new hog is purely elective. You should, however, consider your body types, weight, height and breadth as they relate to your bike´s frame and engine size. Use common sense, along with personal preferences. Don´t try for the same high-end peak performance you´d get on a Sportster if you have a Fat Boy.

If you´re blessed with an Electra-Glide … well … half your learning curve is already built-in.

Pay the same attention to your sexual bodies as you do to both the rules of the road and motorcycle operation, e.g. know and utilize your turning radiuses, optimum seat heights, lean angles and best foot placements. It doesn´t hurt to bone-up on lane changing, uphill shifting, regular maintenance, and operating on slippery surfaces.

Use SIPDE, the Motorcycle Safety Foundation´s acronym for "Scan, Identify, Predict, Decide & Execute," and apply it to your erogenous zones for a full and complete ride. You might adopt "NBD," the slang motorcycle acronym for "Never Been Dropped," as a personal credo when pursuing your new exhilarations. Remember: Good for your bike? Good for your partner (and vice-versa). Especially at high speeds.

Lastly, just have fun, and experiment all you like, once you´ve perfected commingling body mechanics and the mechanical body. If you´d care to see one of the initial trial runs my partner and I conducted as we took the Road King on a North Country foliage tour, click HERE. It´s an amateur video, a bit jerky, and much of the action is just underhand and off-camera, but it might provide a few visual pointers.

We did go off the road at the end, but it wasn´t unintentional . . . .

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

Copyright 2008 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Want to risk having your questions answered on WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!"? Please submit to: WITBONES, c/o B. Elwin Sherman, P.O. Box 360, Bethlehem, NH, 03574. Or, you may e-mail Elwin via the WITBONES website.

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