Sticking It Out
Gardenia Ramos-Banos
April 04, 2006
THERE'S something about golden weddings that has always touched me. Something beyond the grand ceremony, the fabulous suits and gowns, the superb church decorations, or the excellent hotel reception afterwards. Something about staying together...for 50 years! How could they do that? I used to ask myself 20 years ago. It's almost half of a lifetime to spend with the same person over and over. But they stuck it out, no matter what. It all seemed incredible to me, then.
I have a close friend from high school who migrated to the USA months after our graduation. We were an inseparable duo (as in Mutt and Jeff, Batman and Robin, Mickey and Donald), and our separation left an empty space in me. However, a dream bonded us together...one day she would come back with a ticket and travel papers for me. But that was before Michael. Somehow, I feel a little wicked about it, especially when she asked in one of her letters recently: "Are you guys still together? Forever?" And I don't blame her. Living in the US for two decades has maybe stamped on her a lot of marriages that ended in divorce. I don t blame her either for feeling uncertain about ever getting married. For how can one be sure about staying together forever?
SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT ONE. Choosing your lifetime partner could be the most arduous task in this planet. Too many fishes in the ocean, and you can only pick one. So better get it right! But how can you tell who is the right one for you? The problem is, you can't. No matter how fast your pulse runs at the mere sight of a person, or how wonderful he/she makes you feel - there's just no guarantee, because feelings can be quite volatile at times. So how nga ba? Stop searching and it will come. Let God, or destiny, or karma (whatever), do the job for you. Sometimes we get too busy looking in the wrong direction and fail to realize that the right person is just close by. An old friend in the 'hood, classmate in grade school, fellow Sunday-schooler? Or an old flame, perhaps? Quien sabe? Life is full of twists and turns, they say.
Meanwhile, work on being the right person yourself. For how can you find Mr./ Miss Right, if you turn out to be all wrong for him/her? Remember, too, that the right person doesn't necessarily mean a PERFECT one. Nobody's perfect, my dear. (Pray, tell me, where can I meet this Nobody? A dumb girl once asked - ad lib) So don t be disheartened if you find Mr./Miss Right loaded with weaknesses and personal hang-ups. The essence of a mature relationship is accepting and loving each other - odds, evens and all.
THE OTHER SIDE OF LOVE. Is not hate, but sacrifice. If true love is to be the starting point of every relationship, then sacrifice is the bonding element that can make it last. I've seen it among couples who have kept their marriages intact through the years. Before plunging into any serious commitment, one must be willing to sacrifice something : time for barkadas, high paying jobs overseas, freedom to date others, etc. Sometimes, giving up these things seem to be a hard compromise, but only then can you tell if this relationship has any worth at all (is worth dying for?) Beware though of lust craftily disguised as love!
In a recent worldwide survey conducted in 11 countries, 30 percent of broken families cited "dissatisfaction" as the main reason for quarrels at home which eventually led to divorce. But dissatisfaction with what? Anything from small family income to spouses lack of attention and sexual response. Perhaps man really is just a dissatisfied lot. But could it be that the family bond was weak to start with, so all it took was a slight shake for the roof to fall in? While it s true that love is a strong foundation for marriage, loving without sacrifice is like eating food without nutrients...
A RECORD OF WRONGS. This is one record that we shouldn't keep. At the height of a row, some couples tend to bring up past mistakes and wrongdoings to spite the other. Just D-O-N-T Do It. It will only re-spark old grudges and resentments, which unfortunately won't end your troubles at the moment. Have you tried forgiveness instead? I know that it's never easy to forgive, and even harder to forget, especially if that naughty word PRIDE marches in. But where can a relationship go if we keep on digging up buried remains of the past? It happened-yes-so learn something from it, move on and leave it behind. Everybody commits mistakes - some trivial, some grievous. Who bears the guilt and who holds the hurt doesn't really count if saving the relationship is all that matters. But, how often should we forgive? As much as your heart can hold - and most often, a person's heart becomes bigger than he is when what he feels is real love.
NO BED OF ROSES. Ever wonder why so many marriages fail? Or why so many relationships turn sour over time? Conflicts, that's why. Every relationship involves two distinct persons with equally different views, traits and expectations. Even a match made in heaven, or by Cupid (if you say so), cannot escape life's tempests from time to time. For always there will be hard, trying times involving the family on money, sex, priorities, or even a third party. So if your marriage is a little "half-baked", the adjustments will be doubly difficult.
If only we could go into marriage with a built-in survival kit! But there is no easy way, and couples who fell short with endurance usually opted to give up the fight. Just like that? Yeah. And so it came to pass that their vow to stay together "till death do us part" was dissolved in vain because when we are confronted with the complexities of life, we forget to count on simple, basic things like respect for one another, compassion and a space to breath. And most of all, we forget how to pray.
Our world has changed with time. Sometimes, I miss my Lola's endless sermons on golden values and virtues. Maybe all of us need to be refreshed and to learn from our old folks. This, I learned, though : that marriage is an intricate maze, and couples will never find the way out if they go separate ways. Stick together, work your way through side by side-go all the way back if you must- and draw strength from each other. There lies the beauty of it all.
I learned all these values from my parents and grandparents. As a child, I saw how they overcame their problems by sticking together-especially during difficult times. The thought that I might never meet a man like my Lolo or Daddy haunted me. For I belong to another time when good men were harder to find. So it seemed safer then to dream about going to the US with my best friend and stay unmarried. Thank God life doesn't always turn out exactly how you wanted it to be.
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I have a close friend from high school who migrated to the USA months after our graduation. We were an inseparable duo (as in Mutt and Jeff, Batman and Robin, Mickey and Donald), and our separation left an empty space in me. However, a dream bonded us together...one day she would come back with a ticket and travel papers for me. But that was before Michael. Somehow, I feel a little wicked about it, especially when she asked in one of her letters recently: "Are you guys still together? Forever?" And I don't blame her. Living in the US for two decades has maybe stamped on her a lot of marriages that ended in divorce. I don t blame her either for feeling uncertain about ever getting married. For how can one be sure about staying together forever?
SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT ONE. Choosing your lifetime partner could be the most arduous task in this planet. Too many fishes in the ocean, and you can only pick one. So better get it right! But how can you tell who is the right one for you? The problem is, you can't. No matter how fast your pulse runs at the mere sight of a person, or how wonderful he/she makes you feel - there's just no guarantee, because feelings can be quite volatile at times. So how nga ba? Stop searching and it will come. Let God, or destiny, or karma (whatever), do the job for you. Sometimes we get too busy looking in the wrong direction and fail to realize that the right person is just close by. An old friend in the 'hood, classmate in grade school, fellow Sunday-schooler? Or an old flame, perhaps? Quien sabe? Life is full of twists and turns, they say.
Meanwhile, work on being the right person yourself. For how can you find Mr./ Miss Right, if you turn out to be all wrong for him/her? Remember, too, that the right person doesn't necessarily mean a PERFECT one. Nobody's perfect, my dear. (Pray, tell me, where can I meet this Nobody? A dumb girl once asked - ad lib) So don t be disheartened if you find Mr./Miss Right loaded with weaknesses and personal hang-ups. The essence of a mature relationship is accepting and loving each other - odds, evens and all.
THE OTHER SIDE OF LOVE. Is not hate, but sacrifice. If true love is to be the starting point of every relationship, then sacrifice is the bonding element that can make it last. I've seen it among couples who have kept their marriages intact through the years. Before plunging into any serious commitment, one must be willing to sacrifice something : time for barkadas, high paying jobs overseas, freedom to date others, etc. Sometimes, giving up these things seem to be a hard compromise, but only then can you tell if this relationship has any worth at all (is worth dying for?) Beware though of lust craftily disguised as love!
In a recent worldwide survey conducted in 11 countries, 30 percent of broken families cited "dissatisfaction" as the main reason for quarrels at home which eventually led to divorce. But dissatisfaction with what? Anything from small family income to spouses lack of attention and sexual response. Perhaps man really is just a dissatisfied lot. But could it be that the family bond was weak to start with, so all it took was a slight shake for the roof to fall in? While it s true that love is a strong foundation for marriage, loving without sacrifice is like eating food without nutrients...
A RECORD OF WRONGS. This is one record that we shouldn't keep. At the height of a row, some couples tend to bring up past mistakes and wrongdoings to spite the other. Just D-O-N-T Do It. It will only re-spark old grudges and resentments, which unfortunately won't end your troubles at the moment. Have you tried forgiveness instead? I know that it's never easy to forgive, and even harder to forget, especially if that naughty word PRIDE marches in. But where can a relationship go if we keep on digging up buried remains of the past? It happened-yes-so learn something from it, move on and leave it behind. Everybody commits mistakes - some trivial, some grievous. Who bears the guilt and who holds the hurt doesn't really count if saving the relationship is all that matters. But, how often should we forgive? As much as your heart can hold - and most often, a person's heart becomes bigger than he is when what he feels is real love.
NO BED OF ROSES. Ever wonder why so many marriages fail? Or why so many relationships turn sour over time? Conflicts, that's why. Every relationship involves two distinct persons with equally different views, traits and expectations. Even a match made in heaven, or by Cupid (if you say so), cannot escape life's tempests from time to time. For always there will be hard, trying times involving the family on money, sex, priorities, or even a third party. So if your marriage is a little "half-baked", the adjustments will be doubly difficult.
If only we could go into marriage with a built-in survival kit! But there is no easy way, and couples who fell short with endurance usually opted to give up the fight. Just like that? Yeah. And so it came to pass that their vow to stay together "till death do us part" was dissolved in vain because when we are confronted with the complexities of life, we forget to count on simple, basic things like respect for one another, compassion and a space to breath. And most of all, we forget how to pray.
Our world has changed with time. Sometimes, I miss my Lola's endless sermons on golden values and virtues. Maybe all of us need to be refreshed and to learn from our old folks. This, I learned, though : that marriage is an intricate maze, and couples will never find the way out if they go separate ways. Stick together, work your way through side by side-go all the way back if you must- and draw strength from each other. There lies the beauty of it all.
I learned all these values from my parents and grandparents. As a child, I saw how they overcame their problems by sticking together-especially during difficult times. The thought that I might never meet a man like my Lolo or Daddy haunted me. For I belong to another time when good men were harder to find. So it seemed safer then to dream about going to the US with my best friend and stay unmarried. Thank God life doesn't always turn out exactly how you wanted it to be.
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