How Can You Empower Your Child to Be Self-Directed?
Tara Paterson
July 21, 2008
One complaint I often hear from parents is how their tween or teen lacks responsibility with such things as picking up after themselves; managing their homework; or taking care of other household or personal responsibilities. I have to admit, this is a challenge I face with my husband, let alone my kids. So how can we encourage our children to develop self-direction — which ultimately impacts the choices they´ll make when it comes to drugs, alcohol, and sex?
To begin with, parents need to set boundaries — not as their kids approach their teen years, but when they are young. Define parameters for your child that he or she can feel comfortable with but which also allows room to grow. Explain these boundaries so your child understands the reason for them. Children have a very strong need to express themselves in independent and creative ways and, like adults, don´t like to feel restricted from natural growth and expression. Oftentimes parents set stringent boundaries out of their own personal fear. One example of this I see often with clients and friends is the fear of allowing a toddler to climb the stairs. News flash: kids need to learn how to do it and if you stand back and give them room to figure out how to manage such a feat, not only are you building their confidence, but you are giving them the space they need to grow.
Freedom within limits is a very powerful tool in teaching children to self-direct. Some children will have the natural ability to do this while others will need more parental guidance. The key is for you, the parent, to tune in intuitively to the needs of your child. As a child matures into each new stage of development, expand the boundaries so your child can continue to have room to grow. When they are old enough to do certain things, let them do it.
Homework is a great example. If your child doesn´t do his work, allow the natural consequences to take effect. If your child is the type who doesn´t like to disappoint a teacher and they fail to do their homework which results in missing recess or having to do it in the principal´s office, the natural consequence will have a great enough impact which will remind them to get it done next time. If you add to the shame by getting angry or showing your disappointment, they will be less willing to make sure it´s done the next time. Another way to handle grades is to let your child know you care if their grade drops and you would like them to do better, but refrain from getting mad and making a big deal about it. Empower your child to work harder for themselves, not for you. It is human nature to rebel against what someone else wants; show them how they benefit and I guarantee you will see a shift in the way they approach things.
By setting reasonable limits and expanding boundaries you show you respect your child, trust her abilities and you build her confidence. Allowing natural consequences to occur, your child will feel safe enough to come to you if he makes the wrong choice and he will understand he has to take accountability. As parents it is not our job to prevent our children from going through their experiences in life. In order to teach children to take responsibility for their actions, they need to be allowed to make choices and self-direct their decisions. This will prepare them for the bigger challenges they will face like drugs, alcohol, tobacco and sex so they will feel confident in making better, healthier choices.
2008 by Tara Paterson, ACPI™ Certified Coach for Parents of Intuitives,
All Rights Reserved
(co-author Parenting Intuitive Children, New Page Books, spring ´09)
To begin with, parents need to set boundaries — not as their kids approach their teen years, but when they are young. Define parameters for your child that he or she can feel comfortable with but which also allows room to grow. Explain these boundaries so your child understands the reason for them. Children have a very strong need to express themselves in independent and creative ways and, like adults, don´t like to feel restricted from natural growth and expression. Oftentimes parents set stringent boundaries out of their own personal fear. One example of this I see often with clients and friends is the fear of allowing a toddler to climb the stairs. News flash: kids need to learn how to do it and if you stand back and give them room to figure out how to manage such a feat, not only are you building their confidence, but you are giving them the space they need to grow.
Freedom within limits is a very powerful tool in teaching children to self-direct. Some children will have the natural ability to do this while others will need more parental guidance. The key is for you, the parent, to tune in intuitively to the needs of your child. As a child matures into each new stage of development, expand the boundaries so your child can continue to have room to grow. When they are old enough to do certain things, let them do it.
Homework is a great example. If your child doesn´t do his work, allow the natural consequences to take effect. If your child is the type who doesn´t like to disappoint a teacher and they fail to do their homework which results in missing recess or having to do it in the principal´s office, the natural consequence will have a great enough impact which will remind them to get it done next time. If you add to the shame by getting angry or showing your disappointment, they will be less willing to make sure it´s done the next time. Another way to handle grades is to let your child know you care if their grade drops and you would like them to do better, but refrain from getting mad and making a big deal about it. Empower your child to work harder for themselves, not for you. It is human nature to rebel against what someone else wants; show them how they benefit and I guarantee you will see a shift in the way they approach things.
By setting reasonable limits and expanding boundaries you show you respect your child, trust her abilities and you build her confidence. Allowing natural consequences to occur, your child will feel safe enough to come to you if he makes the wrong choice and he will understand he has to take accountability. As parents it is not our job to prevent our children from going through their experiences in life. In order to teach children to take responsibility for their actions, they need to be allowed to make choices and self-direct their decisions. This will prepare them for the bigger challenges they will face like drugs, alcohol, tobacco and sex so they will feel confident in making better, healthier choices.
2008 by Tara Paterson, ACPI™ Certified Coach for Parents of Intuitives,
All Rights Reserved
(co-author Parenting Intuitive Children, New Page Books, spring ´09)