I am 19 Years Old But Parents Are Not Allowing my Girlfriend To Sleep Over
Elaine Sihera
July 18, 2008
Q. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years, we are both 19 now and we clearly love each other. We are unable to move out right now as her parents dont want her to and we really need to progress on the career ladder. My parents and her parents will not let either of us sleep with each other. I have explained to my parents that it is nothing to do with sexual thing, it is clearly to love her, cuddle. I personally see nothing wrong with what I want to do. What are your views as a parent to actually explain the reason they wont let me?
A. Many parents have hang-ups about sex, especially the more conservative ones. All they can see is sex, even when the couple involved might not care about sex. They fear it for a variety of reasons, not least the consequences of it in STDs, unwanted pregnancies or having a succession of sleeping parties, none of whom might turn out to be 'Mr/Ms Right'. Parents feel they have to protect their childrn at all costs from such consequences, while shielding themselves from the embarrassment of having to deal with the sexual activities of their children. That has always been the case for many parents the world over.
Most of all, parents tend to keep their children as young as possible, refusing to acknowledge their maturity or to let them go. So when sex rears its ugly head in their home, that is an unwelcome reminder of the fact that their kids are grown up now and is likely to be leaving home soon. That realisation is often difficult to deal with so they try to delay it as long as possible by imposing unreasonable rules. Obviously, feeling uncomfortable about sex, and remembering their own furtive early days, some parents are not good at coping with the intimate needs of their own children. The answer for them is to deny it, ignore it and pretend it isn't there while keeping the couple apart from each other.
Unfortunately, you have to respect their wishes. It is their house and they have to feel comfortable within it. However, there are two answers to this. The first is to discuss a compromise by explaining that neither of you wants to leave home as you love your parents very much and prefer to stay until your career is sorted. They would want that too. However, impress upon them that you are adults with natural needs and, to prevent you having to find somewhere before you are both ready, you would welcome being treated like adults because it helps you both to make better decisions about your life. Ask if they would consider you sleeping together just one night each in both houses, then one night elsewhere. That would give three nights together while you can sleep apart on other nights. That would show the parents that you are considering their needs too, you are being mature about it and it might sound more acceptable to them.
The other answer could be to spend the odd weekend together somewhere and spend as much time together during the day at home. Then all parties might feel more comfortable. But, if you are both 19, you are adults and the mark of a real adult is sensitivity to how others feel, understanding of their predicament, especially when they are paying the bills, and working out compromise solutions which could then benefit everyone.
As liberal as I am, I did not accept my daughter sleeping with a boyfriend in my home until she had clearly settled with someone in her early 20s. So I can understand how your parents feel. I think once there is clear commitment, like a marriage, parents tend to feel better about it. They can then commit themselves to that relationship too. But without that kind of clear situation, many parents are often wary of encouraging it in any way and hedge on the side of caution.
A. Many parents have hang-ups about sex, especially the more conservative ones. All they can see is sex, even when the couple involved might not care about sex. They fear it for a variety of reasons, not least the consequences of it in STDs, unwanted pregnancies or having a succession of sleeping parties, none of whom might turn out to be 'Mr/Ms Right'. Parents feel they have to protect their childrn at all costs from such consequences, while shielding themselves from the embarrassment of having to deal with the sexual activities of their children. That has always been the case for many parents the world over.
Most of all, parents tend to keep their children as young as possible, refusing to acknowledge their maturity or to let them go. So when sex rears its ugly head in their home, that is an unwelcome reminder of the fact that their kids are grown up now and is likely to be leaving home soon. That realisation is often difficult to deal with so they try to delay it as long as possible by imposing unreasonable rules. Obviously, feeling uncomfortable about sex, and remembering their own furtive early days, some parents are not good at coping with the intimate needs of their own children. The answer for them is to deny it, ignore it and pretend it isn't there while keeping the couple apart from each other.
Unfortunately, you have to respect their wishes. It is their house and they have to feel comfortable within it. However, there are two answers to this. The first is to discuss a compromise by explaining that neither of you wants to leave home as you love your parents very much and prefer to stay until your career is sorted. They would want that too. However, impress upon them that you are adults with natural needs and, to prevent you having to find somewhere before you are both ready, you would welcome being treated like adults because it helps you both to make better decisions about your life. Ask if they would consider you sleeping together just one night each in both houses, then one night elsewhere. That would give three nights together while you can sleep apart on other nights. That would show the parents that you are considering their needs too, you are being mature about it and it might sound more acceptable to them.
The other answer could be to spend the odd weekend together somewhere and spend as much time together during the day at home. Then all parties might feel more comfortable. But, if you are both 19, you are adults and the mark of a real adult is sensitivity to how others feel, understanding of their predicament, especially when they are paying the bills, and working out compromise solutions which could then benefit everyone.
As liberal as I am, I did not accept my daughter sleeping with a boyfriend in my home until she had clearly settled with someone in her early 20s. So I can understand how your parents feel. I think once there is clear commitment, like a marriage, parents tend to feel better about it. They can then commit themselves to that relationship too. But without that kind of clear situation, many parents are often wary of encouraging it in any way and hedge on the side of caution.