Why you should date soon after being dumped
Elaine Sihera
July 14, 2008
People have to date after being dumped because that is a natural part of life: dealing with both pain and pleasure. Our life does not consist of single events or just the nice, enjoyable moments. We are on a journey of self-development, self growth, self-knowledge and self-realisation from the day we are born until the day we die. Pleasure and pain are thus two sides of the same coin of life which help us towards that ultimate development. We cannot have one without the other.
Not having another relationship might keep you from getting hurt, but it won't give you a life. You will then be stuck in negativity, with the past trashing inside your head forever, while you cower cowardly in a corner, shying away from the setbacks in life which actually make you more resilient, more experienced, more confident in yourself and far more attractive as a person. Worst of all, it makes you unloving too. You cannot deny love then claim to love others. The two are incompatible. That's like trying to give away what you haven't got. The only way through life is to face everything it throws at us which helps us to develop survival and coping skills.
Every relationship teaches us something. Often, when we don't want to learn, we go inside ourselves and ignore the message. But relationships break and cause hurt mainly because of the expectations we burden them with. People come into our lives for any of four main reasons, of which only one is permanent. However, as we expect every person we like to be permanently with us, our expectations are soon dashed when it does not work out that way. Yet, when we allow a relationship to unfold without trying to control it, or having too many expectations of it, we make room for the unexpected and are likely to be surprised.
Why break-ups really hurt
Most important, break-ups really hurt when we don't love ourselves and expect others to love us instead. Once we love ourselves first, it doesn't; matter who doesn't love us, because we are already of value - to our relatives, parents, family, friends, to name a few. When we merely expect love from others to compensate, once they reject us, the pain is harder to bear because that rejection merely confirms what we already believe - how unlovable and unwanted we are. Furthermore, relationships do not just consist of hurt alone, though that is all we focus on when we get hurt. Relationships consist of PLEASURE first. To get to that hurt, we have to experience pleasure and when we deny ourself the opportunity to be hurt, we also deny access to that pleasure too which keeps us stuck, unloved and unloving.
Our character is built on dealing with setbacks in life, no matter what they are. If we deny ourselves the opportunity to deal with those setbacks, to pick ourselves up and carry on in life along our journey, we become stunted in our growth, and also boring, one-dimensional people who simply want to control everything without adding to the store of rich knowledge and experience that makes us appealing and empathetic to others. The only way we learn in our life is through mistakes and pain. We cannot deny that aspect of our evolution.
Finally, the main reason for dating as soon as possible after being dumped is because you cannot afford to use the judgement and actions of ONE person to dictate your life forever. Are you so low in value that just one person out of the millions in this world can dictate how you feel about yourself and who you are? You would actually allow one single person in this world to affect your esteem and progress? What happens to all the other men or women out there waiting to meet you, admire you and love you? Don't their opinion count for anything?
When we stop dating because of being dumped we allow ourselves to be judged by a single human being, placing them as chief arbiter in our lives and reducing our value to nothing. That is no way to live the precious life we are given or to appreciate the fine people we are.
Not having another relationship might keep you from getting hurt, but it won't give you a life. You will then be stuck in negativity, with the past trashing inside your head forever, while you cower cowardly in a corner, shying away from the setbacks in life which actually make you more resilient, more experienced, more confident in yourself and far more attractive as a person. Worst of all, it makes you unloving too. You cannot deny love then claim to love others. The two are incompatible. That's like trying to give away what you haven't got. The only way through life is to face everything it throws at us which helps us to develop survival and coping skills.
Every relationship teaches us something. Often, when we don't want to learn, we go inside ourselves and ignore the message. But relationships break and cause hurt mainly because of the expectations we burden them with. People come into our lives for any of four main reasons, of which only one is permanent. However, as we expect every person we like to be permanently with us, our expectations are soon dashed when it does not work out that way. Yet, when we allow a relationship to unfold without trying to control it, or having too many expectations of it, we make room for the unexpected and are likely to be surprised.
Why break-ups really hurt
Most important, break-ups really hurt when we don't love ourselves and expect others to love us instead. Once we love ourselves first, it doesn't; matter who doesn't love us, because we are already of value - to our relatives, parents, family, friends, to name a few. When we merely expect love from others to compensate, once they reject us, the pain is harder to bear because that rejection merely confirms what we already believe - how unlovable and unwanted we are. Furthermore, relationships do not just consist of hurt alone, though that is all we focus on when we get hurt. Relationships consist of PLEASURE first. To get to that hurt, we have to experience pleasure and when we deny ourself the opportunity to be hurt, we also deny access to that pleasure too which keeps us stuck, unloved and unloving.
Our character is built on dealing with setbacks in life, no matter what they are. If we deny ourselves the opportunity to deal with those setbacks, to pick ourselves up and carry on in life along our journey, we become stunted in our growth, and also boring, one-dimensional people who simply want to control everything without adding to the store of rich knowledge and experience that makes us appealing and empathetic to others. The only way we learn in our life is through mistakes and pain. We cannot deny that aspect of our evolution.
Finally, the main reason for dating as soon as possible after being dumped is because you cannot afford to use the judgement and actions of ONE person to dictate your life forever. Are you so low in value that just one person out of the millions in this world can dictate how you feel about yourself and who you are? You would actually allow one single person in this world to affect your esteem and progress? What happens to all the other men or women out there waiting to meet you, admire you and love you? Don't their opinion count for anything?
When we stop dating because of being dumped we allow ourselves to be judged by a single human being, placing them as chief arbiter in our lives and reducing our value to nothing. That is no way to live the precious life we are given or to appreciate the fine people we are.