Purposes – Pillars of the Oromo Marriage: Humanity and Morality, Peace and Harmony
Dr. Muhammad Shamsaddin Megalommatis
June 22, 2008
As I promised to gradually publish online this original research that has been supervised by the leading Oromo philologist Asafa Tefera Dibaba (editor of Ms. Moreda´s dissertation), in the present article I publish the rest of the Chapter 4 (Interpretation of the findings) in which Ms. Opsan Moreda interprets the collected, classified and presented material of her fascinating study. In a forthcoming article, I will publish the conclusions of Ms. Opsan Moreda, and then comment extensively on the affinities between marriage ceremonies and marriage counseling among the Ancient Egyptians and Kushitic Ethiopians and the Modern Oromos.
In this part, Ms. Moreda´s demonstrates her ability to correctly interpret her topic, and make a comprehensive synthesis of the analyzed data only to conclude that "the major aim of counseling is to sustain morality and humanity through ensuring peace and harmony in the society starting at family level, and prolong marriage relation as a strong social institution".
4.2 Interpretation of the findings
As presented in the first section of this chapter, the repertoire of the themes and patterns of traditional Oromo marriage counseling is carried in those traditions, sub-cultures, customary laws, ethical and social values, in short, the oral culture of the society. To collect those relevant data, which are of anthropological and literary nature, as elsewhere argued, necessitates a wider coverage in both scope and time. This section discusses those relevant data presented under the section of this chapter, following the logical steps a traditional marriage counselor would follow.
4.2.1 Pre-marriage counseling
The techniques and strategies traditional counselors put to practice are transmitted orally and practically to the succeeding generation, i.e., mother to daughter, father to son, under a close supervision. The goal and content of traditional pre-marriage counseling are similar with most of the findings of previous studies. The finding of the present study shows that the goal of Oromo pre-marriage counseling is not merely advising and counseling. It also involves teaching children feminine and masculine roles at early ages, ritual activities, socialization and family life. Once they become mature and engaged, they resort to specific issues which they are going to experience in married life in the near future. The orientation here according to Rutledge (1967) is to tradition of family life education than to marriage counseling. Everything from the wedding and honeymoon through love, sex, and children, relations with parental families, finances, religion, and attitudes toward divorce and remarriage are covered at the pre-marriage counseling stage.
According to the Oromo tradition, which is also the case to the Salale, boys learn about the fundamental unit of human society, namely, family. In pre-marriage education, girls learn no sex before marriage. Chastity, i.e. sexual cleanness or virginity is of a paramount importance to value the girl´s moral and dispositional quality in the tradition. Lack of virginity, the informants unanimously maintain in the findings, has a very serious repercussion. It leads to a serious conflict resulting in physical violence, beating, insulting, and immediate expulsion of the bride on that nuptial day. The girl is advised closely at this pre-marriage stage to stay virgin to avoid such a humiliation not to slur her name and the name of her parents.
The girl acquires feminine roles, how to live with her husband, parent-in-laws, and neighbors. The boy is initiated to have own property and be self-dependent and understands what a mature person can do as an individual and as a responsible member of the community. Likewise, according to the findings of the present study, the major contents for girls earlier orientation before marriage include: home management and self-care, bearing and rearing children, and matters related to sexual life. As she approaches to marry, she learns and practices being and becoming good wife to her husband, good mother to her children, and good mix to the society. She goes through various initiation ceremonies and passage rites.
Like girls, boys are prepared for life from all perspectives to be a full man. At early age, boys take up tasks considered as men´s role in the community. A young boy assists his father through building basic life skills. Besides, it is on such practical occasions, like in the farm field, where the father teaches to and counsels his son about every demand of life, merits of a strong farmer, and good personality. In line with boy´s training, mate- selection, self-dependence, self-sufficiency, and sense of social and moral responsibility are highly emphasized. In addition, respect, tolerance and perseverance are taught as key elements of the Golden Rules of a ´full-human´ in such a serious human relationship as marriage for both boys and girls.
Agents of the orientations and counseling are parents, cloth kinships, peers and elders of the clan, traditional religious/ritual leaders. Boys acquire the service from males. Whereas, girls get it from females. There are also opportunities where they obtain the same service from both sex even though it is not common. The findings of the present study are compatible with Lemessa´s (2007) who states that agents of pre-marriage education are family, close relatives, uncles, elders, and all members of the community.
To practice such activities at the pre-marital stage, there is no such planned and scheduled time and place. Every time is informally a learning time at this stage. Informants unanimously agree that oral culture and oral narratives offer a valuable / practical educational experience contributing to the total growth, development, and self-fulfillment of the person exposed to it. Proverbs, riddles, parables and fables impart to the child useful cognitive, affective and performative skills. Proverbs, for instance, are not merely said for the sake of it but that they are vehicles of the society´s precepts through indirect instructions such as warning, cautioning, satire, advise, counsel, invective, encouragement, or any of the similar roles. The major aim of dependence on the oral culture is that the society needs the succeeding generation to maintain those standards that it cherishes and wishes to perpetuate. Proverbs and other oral verbal genres facilitate the achievement of that goal.
Informants believe that skills thus obtained through observation and indirect instruction enable the child to live a rewarding life and to be a useful member of the society. Above all, oral culture makes the young people more keenly observant, more sensitively and sensibly responsive towards themselves, fellow human beings and the environment.
In general, the findings showed that pre-marriage counseling is highly concerned with teaching, informing, training, and advising youngsters starting form early age to wedding day. On the wedding ceremony, community elders bless the couple and forward parental and communal expectations to the would-be husband and wife, and pray to Waaqa to help them in all adversities and endeavors in marriage. The content of the blessing, ebba, is good will of the parents and relatives, and, in a way, promises the two need to make for peace and harmony and success in life. Agents are all practitioners including, elder sisters and brothers, mother and father, grand parents, peers, uncles and the community at large.
4.2.2 In-marriage/post marriage counseling
a) Common causes of conflicts in marriage
In Oromo tradition, there is the safuu moral and social divine order that makes check and balance to every human/natural and divine/supernatural entity including marital relations. Conflict can occur, however, not to the extent that it shakes the base of the contractual agreement and bring home to demolish. What matters are its degree, intensity and regularity. There are various means of tackling such instabilities and maintaining married life. Among the Oromo, the safuu concept of ethical and social order is one binding force, as already discussed. The tradition by itself is strongly restrictive than permissive. Hence, an individual autonomy is at its limit in such a communal society. Regular conflicts and violence on daily base are abandoned and strictly criticized. Such is frowned at and considered to be deviant behaviour, violating the existing norm, safuu, and disgraceful to the individual(s). However, conflict in marriage, as in other aspect of human relation is expected.
The findings show that the common causes of marital conflict are adultery, extramarital relationship, laziness, jealousy, infertility, family interference, children, poor communication, lack of love, and respect, similar with those described by previous studies (e.g., Habtamu 1998). The study reports that the major causes of conflicts and divorce in Ethiopia in general include: misuse of family income, inability to support the family, committing adultery, being sterile (being barren), not getting along, jealousy, sexual incompatibility, interference of in-laws and relatives, rumors and gossips, and lack of love between the partners. Informants in the present study and the traditional counselors have the same view as the above-mentioned report.
b) In marriage counseling: goal and agents
The findings shows that both females and males have roles in dealing with marital cases and conflicts in traditional Oromo marriage counseling. To give information, advice, and settle minor disputes, men and women elders have almost equal social responsibility to save marriage. However, when the case becomes serious and growing more and more divisive, the role of men and women mediators differs.
Men elders give help both counseling and solving the problem based on customary laws.
Whereas women prepare, inform and advise the wife counselee to conform to elders´ advice and to live by seera biyyaa, i.e., the customary laws, to know her rights and responsibilities, but not to take action in haste, such as break the marriage. There is the view that elder females have great contribution working as consultants for male elders while mediating the marital conflict.
Female elders work as counselors while men work as both counselors and lawmakers and adjudicators or judges in resolving marital disputes. There are influential women elders who can make change in the community, actively participate in all aspects social and cultural life of the community. There are women more enlightened than men counterparts, assertive and well informed about the customary laws and can assume every role of the community elder. Nowadays the government is facilitating females´ involvement and it seems fruitful.
c) Patterns of in-marriage counseling
Among the Salale Oromo, the data obtained show, in-marriage counseling has two patterns:
Pattern 1: the couple are not in conflict but either one of them or both have confusion, adjustment problems, need information or clarification, experience stress or any problem which they think need consulting others.
Pattern 2: the couple have disagreements or quarrel and not able to come to terms and solve problems themselves. Such is the case when the wife leaves her home and flees.
Whatever the case, since it is to maintain marital relationship, elders prefer defining the problem in a relationship context, not as personal problem attributed to one partner. Here elders emphasize on matters that are domestic and communal, social and moral, and of some significance to the couple, the children, and the society. Issue of child rearing and living for children by subordinating personal affairs is also emphasized. This finding agrees with the view of sociologically oriented marriage counselors where personality factors are seen in the context of the marital relationship and situation in which the family finds itself (Stroup et al 1959). Sociologically oriented counselors emphasize on behavior or the problem and situation. They tend towards levels that are more inclusive. Marriage counseling emphasizes the sociological or socio-psychological (Stroup). Similarly, Jaffe & Segal (2007) share the inclusive view. That is, Marriage and Family Therapists are trained to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples and family systems, as well as assist clients in achieving more adequate, satisfying and productive marriage, family, and social adjustment. Hence, the themes and patterns obtained from the study area show that marriage counseling among the study community is more inclusive.
Counseling Pattern II, as described earlier, is when the couple have conflict and not able to come to terms and solve problems themselves. Let us discuss the major sessions conveyed at this stage.
As already argued in Chapter II, it is important that the counselor possesses sufficient emotional maturity to promote warmth and empathy in the counseling relationship (Jaffe & Segal 2007).
Session 1. According the present findings, in traditional marriage counseling, the first session starts when the husband contacts the traditional counselor. The traditional counselor welcomes the person with greeting and good gesture of solidarity and asks about everything to help the client present purpose of his visit. The findings of present study agree with such an interpersonal therapy model, which utilize such tools as active listening, clarification, and encouragement of expression of feelings and effects. The findings further prove that some effective techniques employed by traditional counselors to encourage expression of problems and feelings include presenting relevant cases, saying proverbs and telling stories.
Session 2. At this stage, the traditional counselor speaks to the client´s wife at her temporary residence. The counselor does this to create opportunity for conjoint counseling. Even though conjoint type of counseling also found in modern counseling (e.g., Cookerly, 1973), inviting/initiating the counselee and contacting her at her residence is not usual. In western model of counseling, the counselor waits for the counselee in her/his office. Hence, one new approach in the traditional counseling is reaching the counselee at his/her residence. The therapist, by the modern counseling standard, is usually someone trained to listen deeply, reflect empathically, offer insight, provide feedback, and help the person explore alternatives (Jaffe &Segal, 2007). The findings of the present study show that, at this stage, traditional counselors use different techniques to care for the client´s feeling and morale. Some present similar, and even, serious cases from their experience, tell stories, say parables and proverbs. This is to stress that it is not the past that matters much, but what corrective measures and alternatives to take at present. Similarly, Behavioral therapy helps a client to recognize certain harmful or inappropriate behaviors that may be operating automatically, without awareness, and to substitute behaviors that are more helpful.
Session 3. On the third session, when the traditional counselor and the husband meet once again, the problem is clearly defined by the counselor by focusing on issues that are relevant: what are the wife´s complaints, what are the roots of the problem, what behavioral changes are expected from the husband. This agrees with techniques employed in modern counseling models even though the steps undertaken differ. Therapists oriented by social learning approaches stress intervention is the most effective if it focuses on increasing positive acts and decreasing negative ones (Olson et.al.,1980).
Session 4. The fourth session is where the counselor discusses with the counselees conjointly. The major purpose here is, to discuss on issues like: demand of marriage life, responsibilities and roles etc. Discussion at this step is highly future-oriented. This agree with existential family therapy approach which looks at rules and roles played by family, how family members struggle if those rules and roles are either poorly defined or inflexible, emphasis on communication patterns. The findings of the study illustrate that, unlike the modern counseling, in addition to advising, informing, etc warning and cautioning—gorsaatis lolaatis—is also used as one technique to deal with the problem. This is levying social and moral obligations on the clients to abide by the safuu biyyaa, i.e. norms and conventions.
Session 5. The last step after the problem is solved and the couple agreed accordingly, is follow up. In modern counseling, follow up is difficult, because the probability for the counselee to come for follow up is less. This is one challenge in modern counseling.
In traditional counseling too, follow up has equal weight and importance at every step. The follow up is an informal session, unlike the previous sessions. Here, follow up is not necessarily by schedule and appointment for additional sessions like in the modern counseling. The counselor can elicit from the client whether or not there are improvements, if no, to take some remedial actions. Wherever the traditional counselor meets the client at a marketplace, on the daboo cooperative work, on religious ceremonies and other social gatherings such as weddings, funeral ceremonies etc, he/she asks the client if there is improvement or not. Based on the information gained from the client, the counselor decides if something should be done by way of taking some remedial action.
Generally, the data presented confirm that conjoint marriage counseling is employed in almost all cases. This agrees with what Oslon (1980) states that conjoint marital therapy appears more useful than individual therapy for improving marital relationships. Cookerly (1973) is of the view that different marriage counseling tend to produce different outcomes and some forms, specially the conjoint ones, as superior to others.
Traditional marriage counseling is eclectic and pervasive in its approach in that it shares techniques with different modern counseling models and other related fields as sociology or social anthropology as discussed above, and highly relevant with the society´s worldview. Olson argued that no one "school´ of marital or family therapy has been demonstrated to be effective with wide range of presenting problems (Olson et.al, 1980).
d) Qualities of a good traditional counselor
Success or failure of traditional marriage counselor depends on the counseling experience of the counselor. The following are qualities of traditional counselor that informants proposed and the researcher observed during the fieldwork: respect, impartiality, sharing relevant personal experiences, commitment-free service, and flexibility.
Every body is welcomed and given opportunity for counseling irrespective of kind of problem. Differences are tolerable if they do not violate the set standards and deviate from the common factor, i.e., the shared value. In modern counseling respect is one crucial quality of the counselor. According to Olson, a successful counselor is someone who has a mature and balanced state of mind and disposition, who can place him/herself in the shoes of those s/he is counseling and the ability to respect their opinions, thoughts, feeling, and, more importantly, emotion (Olson et al., 1980). The finding of the study agrees with what Oslon said. The difference is the idea of the counselee is respected and counseling is offered as long as it is not against group right, culture and moral or social wellbeing of others.
Siding with either counselee is violating safuu, and, therefore, is committing cubbuu, that is, sin. It is considered as transgression against the will of Waaqaa. Traditional counselors, unlike the modern ones, do not charge for services s/he offers. Elders are masters of the indigenous knowledge and sources of coping mechanisms during such hard times and in the face of adversities. The priceless value is the peace and harmony at family level, village, and community at large.
The community elders have waadaa, i,e., a covenant, not to ask any fee in charge. Of their own accord, peoples help traditional counselors in farm in daboo cooperative work. There may be moderate invitations to acknowledge the public support.
While scrutinizing the patterns and themes of the traditional counseling, the researcher has come to learn that community leaders are ready for change; they are not change resistant. For example, butii/buttaa or abduction / forced marriage and marriage by kallacha, i.e., insisting on marrying by unfailingly forcing the parents under some religious enactments as carrying kallacha, a ceremonious staff not to be carried out casually in public is nowadays frowned at. It is widely accepted as violating females´ human right, and commonly perceived as immoral, as against the rule of law. Elders do not cooperate in unlawful deeds though previously functional. This shows that tradition is not change resistant.
Traditional marriage counselors employ plenty of techniques to deal effectively with various marriages related cases. Clients may have fear, lack of confidence and other related problems to present why they visited the counselor. To probe problems, the counselor uses techniques, e.g., saying proverbs, telling relevant stories. Presenting options is also another technique: even though the client persists to keep the matter secrete, there are possible problems presumed by traditional counselor, and to one set problems.
There is one widely known principle among the elders and traditional counselors, namely, sobanii araarsuu, meaning to use falsity, no mere logic, to resolve conflicts and avoid further disagreement Furthermore, traditional counselors believe that decision-making is imperative and it is not easy. In addition, indecision is a severe problem when it comes to such a serious matter as to make or break marriage. Hence, they use different techniques to facilitate decision making for their counselee.
4.2.3 Divorce counseling
4.2.3.1 Community attitudes towards divorce
Finding of the study reveal that the community in the study area have their own understanding and viewpoint regarding divorce. Divorce is not an accepted and acknowledged practice unless causes are forcing to. The finding agrees with what Fisher (1973) has to say. According to Fisher, divorce is not a universally approved or accepted institution in America but is viewed as a solution for unbearable marital conflict. Hence, couples exhaust every possible solution either themselves or by the help of others to save marriage from breaking.
Tolerance and endurance are key precepts in the life philosophy of the Oromo people, not only in marriage. The Oromo believe that opsaan aannan goromsaa dhuga. This is to mean, only a tolerant can drink a heifer´s milk, i.e., better later than never. It shows the positive outcomes of tolerance. This does not mean every problem should be tolerated. If it is thought it can have negative consequences, other means´s are looked for, like divorce, in the case of marriage, as one last resort.
That is, if it is apparent and evident that living together damages either partner or both, divorce is the right decision and considered as agreement. At least one has to agree to disagree. If the divorce case is processed in the right way, the couple sees each other as brother and sister after divorce.
In the case of divorce, the couple seeks advice and relevant information about customary laws, and other important issues from family, friends and community elders. However, the decision to divorce or not to divorce is that of the couple. The informants unanimously agree as saying, bultii namaatti murteessuun cubbuu dha, daabas namatti ta´a. That is, no one can push the couple for divorce as the only alternative. To do so, it is cubbuu, daaba, sin, and sin-to-inherit to one´s children.
4.2.3.2 Steps in divorce counseling
Step 1. When individuals consult traditional counselors regarding divorce, first, the counselor informs the counselee to exhaust every possible solution, not to decide quickly. Lama bulaa, sadii bulaa, irratti ilaalaa-take time, think about the benefit and consequences of divorce. Fisher (ibid) strengthens the present finding that time and timing play an important role in the divorce process, in the process of divorce counseling. At this stage, if the clients are at old age they are informed the negative consequences of divorce at old age. Proverbs that imply the following message are provided for the counselee. So much so, lived together for a long age, now a grand parent, to say the partner is weak is itself deficient. This stage is similar with what Fisher labels as pre-divorce counseling.
Step 2. Once the couple decides to divorce, community elders continue advising. The issues stressed are briefing what customary laws say about divorce, the worth of peaceful divorce, how to ask their right in peaceful way and ways of emotion regulation.
The couples are advised to agree according to the customary law, to forgive each other and promise to see each other as brother and sister. Not to hold a grudge and think of a revenge. If the couples agree, community elders will write a letter to the court stating that the couple have a serious case that the two persisted to resolve by divorce.
Step 3. After divorce, the traditional counselor helps the divorcee for future adjustment, to overcome the emotional disturbances which result from divorce and, generally, in any aspect they thought the client need help. This is done only if the person is not violating norms and values of the community (see Case III). This finding disagree with the western perception that Fisher (ibid) holds as saying, divorce counseling is an answer to the personal and cultural needs of the divorcing and divorced population. Tradition holds it that after divorce the divorcees are emotionally and morally committed to having concerns and attentions towards one another till death.
In sum, themes and patterns of traditional Oromo marriage counseling is examined set inside the socio-cultural milieu of the society. In this section, an attempt has been made to discuss the data in line with the underlying ethical and social codes issued to be enacted and modified by the community and tribal elders, religious leaders and counselors and abided by the whole community. It has been observed that the major aim of counseling is to sustain morality and humanity through ensuring peace and harmony in the society starting at family level, and prolong marriage relation as a strong social institution.
Note
Picture: Young Borana Oromo girl, a future bride for Humanity and Morality, Peace and Harmony